How Solid Really is Your Marriage

How Solid Really is Your Marriage

Author
Discussion

FocusRS3

Original Poster:

3,411 posts

90 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
GT03ROB said:
Funky are these verbal or physical attacks?
I was wondering the same Rob. I didn't know if you could log verbal attacks with the police ?

I'd hate getting up each day never knowing if you're dealing with jeckle or Hyde

Rick101

6,959 posts

149 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Thought I'd go back and read page 1 of this thread.
Not really a surprise to me.

Amazes me in this day and age people consider marriage as a rite of passage and an expectation.
Not being married doesn't solve relationships going sour, but it does make things a damn sight easier if or when they do.
The issue I sere time and time again is of people being 'stuck' and unable to get out of the situation.
Must be horrible.

jamesv81

15 posts

82 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
FocusRS3 said:
I'd hate getting up each day never knowing if you're dealing with jeckle or Hyde
Its horrible but I do think its a mental illness. I have researched it quite a bit and I suspect its a form of Aspergers.

My mrs will say truly horrible things some days. Over Christmas she said she would not tell anyone if I died and get my body cremated and not have a service. I just laughed it off and said the funeral will be cheap then, but in reality it was a really hurtful comment that my last day would be on my own but she says stuff like that all the time. She has no sympathy mechanism in her brain, very much just says things she considers normal but its really not ok to say. For example she might see an old person struggling up some stairs and she will just push past them when a normal person would either help or at least wait. People will look on in horror but she does not see them struggling. Similar situation in traffic jams she gets really anxious and starts thinking people are holding her up or going to try and push in. Its like being in a washing machine. If we have to go anywhere on the motorway I will always try and drive! I am not allowed to let anyone in though if I flash someone and let them out she goes mental.

FocusRS3

Original Poster:

3,411 posts

90 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
jamesv81 said:
Its horrible but I do think its a mental illness. I have researched it quite a bit and I suspect its a form of Aspergers.

My mrs will say truly horrible things some days. Over Christmas she said she would not tell anyone if I died and get my body cremated and not have a service. I just laughed it off and said the funeral will be cheap then, but in reality it was a really hurtful comment that my last day would be on my own but she says stuff like that all the time. She has no sympathy mechanism in her brain, very much just says things she considers normal but its really not ok to say. For example she might see an old person struggling up some stairs and she will just push past them when a normal person would either help or at least wait. People will look on in horror but she does not see them struggling. Similar situation in traffic jams she gets really anxious and starts thinking people are holding her up or going to try and push in. Its like being in a washing machine. If we have to go anywhere on the motorway I will always try and drive! I am not allowed to let anyone in though if I flash someone and let them out she goes mental.
Sounds very much like a mental illness and not one most would put up with in a marriage to be honest with you .

Feel for you mate

mikefacel

610 posts

187 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
jamesv81 said:
Its horrible but I do think its a mental illness. I have researched it quite a bit and I suspect its a form of Aspergers.
It's Borderline Personality Disorder. I really wish this condition was more widely understood amongst men as it would save huge amounts of pain. A lot of men in this thread are suffering because of a BPD partner and are struggling to explain such appalling, unempathetic, cruel and erratic behaviour, which itself drives you nuts. Once you identify it, research it and understand it, it becomes a lot easier to resolve. BPD is much more widespread than you think for something you've never heard of.

funkyrobot

18,789 posts

227 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
FocusRS3 said:
GT03ROB said:
Funky are these verbal or physical attacks?
I was wondering the same Rob. I didn't know if you could log verbal attacks with the police ?

I'd hate getting up each day never knowing if you're dealing with jeckle or Hyde
Verbal. But I was on the receiving end of physical attacks last year. Not had one yet this year. smile

Sa Calobra

37,007 posts

210 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Symptomless Coma said:
Sa Calobra said:
Symptomless Coma I hope everything works out and look after your kids.

Are there any other signs, I.e on the run up to this, the way she's acted, used her phone etc?

Seems odd that a mum of two would leave the home to stay at her dad's. I don't want to insuate anything but is she at her dad's all the time? Or says she's there.
She’s always on her phone/iPad, she started a new job and did mention that a younger guy paid her compliments. I wasn’t fazed as we had a strong, trusting relationship and I tell her she’s lovely. But.... she started getting the odd lift with him in December. I don’t believe that she cheated but maybe her head was turned, which has thrown confusion for her (maybe). Either way it’s st for me
It's odd that she decided to move out. Her dad won't be keeping track of her movements so I assume she'll come and go as she pleases. A male paying compliments and giving lifts with a married woman isn't usually usually done with saintly intent.

Have you sat down with her yet and had a conversation around everything?


Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
jamesv81 said:
Its horrible but I do think its a mental illness. I have researched it quite a bit and I suspect its a form of Aspergers.

My mrs will say truly horrible things some days. Over Christmas she said she would not tell anyone if I died and get my body cremated and not have a service. I just laughed it off and said the funeral will be cheap then, but in reality it was a really hurtful comment that my last day would be on my own but she says stuff like that all the time. She has no sympathy mechanism in her brain, very much just says things she considers normal but its really not ok to say. For example she might see an old person struggling up some stairs and she will just push past them when a normal person would either help or at least wait. People will look on in horror but she does not see them struggling. Similar situation in traffic jams she gets really anxious and starts thinking people are holding her up or going to try and push in. Its like being in a washing machine. If we have to go anywhere on the motorway I will always try and drive! I am not allowed to let anyone in though if I flash someone and let them out she goes mental.
Is this a recent thing or has she always been like it?

I just don't understand why someone would get with somebody like this?

anonymous-user

53 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Symptomless Coma said:
She’s always on her phone/iPad, she started a new job and did mention that a younger guy paid her compliments. I wasn’t fazed as we had a strong, trusting relationship and I tell her she’s lovely. But.... she started getting the odd lift with him in December. I don’t believe that she cheated but maybe her head was turned, which has thrown confusion for her (maybe). Either way it’s st for me
So basically female midlife crisis, worried about her fading looks and wondering if this is really it in life. Goes looking for attention, gets it from a new guy and all the butterflies, tingles and feelings come back. She is addicted to the buzz and thinks it will never end.

From experience the fact that she says she doesn't love you means she has checked out of the marriage. Don't waste your time going to marriage counselling of begging her to come back.

The constantly on her phone is the first warning sign, has she joined a gym, lost weight or bought lots new clothes/lingerie? This is for the new guy not you, intact I suspect sex stopped a while ago as she sees it as cheating on the new guy.

At the moment she is keeping you as a backup incase it doesn't work out with the new guy. Obviously it is not going to work out with the new guy once reality kicks in and the excitement wears off.

Been there myself, unfortunately it takes years to get over. Looking back I wish I told her to sling her hook straight away instead of hanging by a thread for months in case she changed her mind.

And trust me, nothing gets to them more than getting a younger, hotter woman as it makes them question if they made a mistake and adds to the losing their looks fear.

fouronthefloor

457 posts

83 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
I've been on the receiving end of much of what some of the posters are going through, for quite some years now.
Both mental and physical abuse.
People I speak to about it are astounded that I haven't left yet and all I can say is that when kids are involved it's not that easy.
Most of the time we get along, mainly because I refuse to get dragged into anything which is likely to cause an argument.
I fear that the kids would suffer the same fate if they were left in her care.

Nik da Greek

2,503 posts

149 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Thirty years.

Jesus. Thirty fking years. How do you put that into just one post? It's a lifetime

We met when we were teenagers. We read the same poems. We learned to knit together. She waited while I lived a life of wanton drug-crazed hedonism. I waited while she went to university and lived in a houseful of lesbians. Somehow at the end of it we still liked each other. We've been so many different people it's hard to remember who she was when we first met.

We've seen the sun come up together in forests and over mountains and in canyon city streets and misty harbours in far-away lands. We've lived in poverty and in ease. We like the same music. She also likes st music. I don't. When I broke more bones than Evel Knieval riding upside down motorbikes, though with markedly less panache, she didn't tut too much and waited in the hospital for me. We sat through her father dying of a brain tumour and mine dying of being taken by the Devil for crimes against humanity. We laugh at the cats. We laugh at the kids. We laugh at The Last Leg. Laugh at almost anything, truth be told. We didn't laugh about the dead children. We didn't laugh about MS and her nervous system disintegrating. But then, life's funny like that. We've both been so far down and broken we couldn't even see the sky. We've both been so far up we couldn't see the ground

And I'll be there. When I have to feed her soup and wipe her arse for her, I'll still be there. In the same way that she never stinted from picking me up out of the st or overlooking my idiocy and my faults. When my too-often broken legs and ligaments finally give up then I guess I'll have to crawl. She'll wait. She'll have to because she'll be in a wheelchair. Life will never beat us, but we'll never get out alive. I don't obviously annoy her any more now than when we first met.



Still fancy her, too. Because boobs

Sa Calobra

37,007 posts

210 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Joey Deacon said:
Symptomless Coma said:
She’s always on her phone/iPad, she started a new job and did mention that a younger guy paid her compliments. I wasn’t fazed as we had a strong, trusting relationship and I tell her she’s lovely. But.... she started getting the odd lift with him in December. I don’t believe that she cheated but maybe her head was turned, which has thrown confusion for her (maybe). Either way it’s st for me
So basically female midlife crisis, worried about her fading looks and wondering if this is really it in life. Goes looking for attention, gets it from a new guy and all the butterflies, tingles and feelings come back. She is addicted to the buzz and thinks it will never end.

From experience the fact that she says she doesn't love you means she has checked out of the marriage. Don't waste your time going to marriage counselling of begging her to come back.

The constantly on her phone is the first warning sign, has she joined a gym, lost weight or bought lots new clothes/lingerie? This is for the new guy not you, intact I suspect sex stopped a while ago as she sees it as cheating on the new guy.

At the moment she is keeping you as a backup incase it doesn't work out with the new guy. Obviously it is not going to work out with the new guy once reality kicks in and the excitement wears off.

Been there myself, unfortunately it takes years to get over. Looking back I wish I told her to sling her hook straight away instead of hanging by a thread for months in case she changed her mind.

And trust me, nothing gets to them more than getting a younger, hotter woman as it makes them question if they made a mistake and adds to the losing their looks fear.
From the info it does seem she's trying out someone else.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Nik da Greek said:
We met when we were teenagers. We read the same poems. We learned to knit together. She waited while I lived a life of wanton drug-crazed hedonism. I waited while she went to university and lived in a houseful of lesbians. Somehow at the end of it we still liked each other. We've been so many different people it's hard to remember who she was when we first met.

We've seen the sun come up together in forests and over mountains and in canyon city streets and misty harbours in far-away lands. We've lived in poverty and in ease. We like the same music. She also likes st music. I don't. When I broke more bones than Evel Knieval riding upside down motorbikes, though with markedly less panache, she didn't tut too much and waited in the hospital for me. We sat through her father dying of a brain tumour and mine dying of being taken by the Devil for crimes against humanity. We laugh at the cats. We laugh at the kids. We laugh at The Last Leg. Laugh at almost anything, truth be told. We didn't laugh about the dead children. We didn't laugh about MS and her nervous system disintegrating. But then, life's funny like that. We've both been so far down and broken we couldn't even see the sky. We've both been so far up we couldn't see the ground

And I'll be there. When I have to feed her soup and wipe her arse for her, I'll still be there. In the same way that she never stinted from picking me up out of the st or overlooking my idiocy and my faults. When my too-often broken legs and ligaments finally give up then I guess I'll have to crawl. She'll wait. She'll have to because she'll be in a wheelchair. Life will never beat us, but we'll never get out alive. I don't obviously annoy her any more now than when we first met.
Pah...it'll never last. hehe

anonymous-user

53 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
jamesv81 said:
FocusRS3 said:
I'd hate getting up each day never knowing if you're dealing with jeckle or Hyde
Its horrible but I do think its a mental illness. I have researched it quite a bit and I suspect its a form of Aspergers.

My mrs will say truly horrible things some days. Over Christmas she said she would not tell anyone if I died and get my body cremated and not have a service. I just laughed it off and said the funeral will be cheap then, but in reality it was a really hurtful comment that my last day would be on my own but she says stuff like that all the time. She has no sympathy mechanism in her brain, very much just says things she considers normal but its really not ok to say. For example she might see an old person struggling up some stairs and she will just push past them when a normal person would either help or at least wait. People will look on in horror but she does not see them struggling. Similar situation in traffic jams she gets really anxious and starts thinking people are holding her up or going to try and push in. Its like being in a washing machine. If we have to go anywhere on the motorway I will always try and drive! I am not allowed to let anyone in though if I flash someone and let them out she goes mental.
She sounds like a real fking joy to be around

Symptomless Coma

188 posts

181 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Sa Calobra said:
From the info it does seem she's trying out someone else.
No I don’t think it’s actually happened, but she might have thought about it and thus our relationship is questionable. I tried talking last night when she dropped the kids back. No joy there, just wants/needs space. It turned out that it was her dad who cooked for them.

Yipper

5,964 posts

89 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
All women are a bit mental. But when you're getting the ride, all the bad stuff goes out the window and you soon forget it.

GT03ROB

13,207 posts

220 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
techiedave said:
She sounds like a real fking joy to be around
The trouble is they can be .... you know how the nursery rhyme goes "when she was good she was very very good, when she was bad she was horrid" ......

anonymous-user

53 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Symptomless Coma said:
No I don’t think it’s actually happened, but she might have thought about it and thus our relationship is questionable. I tried talking last night when she dropped the kids back. No joy there, just wants/needs space. It turned out that it was her dad who cooked for them.
Stop being so naieve, needing space is women speak for there is a new guy on the scene. Every thread like this always starts with the man saying he doesn't think she is cheating. Come on, this has been going on for weeks, she is using the excuse of being at her dads to have sex with him.

Drive over to her dads at midnight, guarantee her car will not be there.

Sa Calobra

37,007 posts

210 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Just thought about it?

At some point during my relationship I've thought about it. I've thought about how long we've been together etc.

To actually say I don't love her and move out even if temporarily is more than just had the thought.

Sorry I must agree with the above poster. The more in control of your Destiny and making the decisions rather than waiting the lesser the pain and time wasted.

Women don't like those who act the victim or sit and wait.

Just have it out with her. Ask for honesty.

Always on phone, getting compliments and lifts , moves out of house leaving two children ...

Has she bought any new clothes, makeup effort or weight conscious recently?

Edited by Sa Calobra on Sunday 14th January 17:02

Symptomless Coma

188 posts

181 months

Sunday 14th January 2018
quotequote all
Sa Calobra said:
Has she bought any new clothes, makeup effort or weight conscious recently?

Edited by Sa Calobra on Sunday 14th January 17:02
Yes... I’m planning on the worst outcome so seeing a solicitor tomorrow. Tho that’s been chosen off google so probably not the best. Still it’s a 20 min free session