How Solid Really is Your Marriage

[C0ffin D0dger]

Tough one really, married 8 years just and together for 12 years, at times when she's got one on her I wonder to myself as to why I put up with this sh*t and how it would be if I just left?

I often find myself thinking back to simpler times when the only person that needed looking after was me, how easy that was, how easy it was to spend time doing stuff I wanted to do, and wonder why I gave that up. But then we have two wonderful children (4&6) and I know if Mum and Dad weren't together it would be so bad for them. Realistically the good times massively outweigh the bad and I'm sure we'll still be together long after the kids have flown the nest but who knows. There is always the niggle and I sometimes fantasise about her committing some sort of infidelity which would without a doubt end our marriage but at least I'd come away from it smelling of roses. Very unlikely to happen though as she has pretty strong morals around these sorts of issues.

Sensible head on the thought of splitting horrifies me because what if it was a massive mistake on my part and that actually I wanted to be back together but she didn't. The financial side of it doesn't bear thinking about either, e.g. giving away half the pension that I've worked long and hard for.

[FocusRS3]

C0ffin D0dger said:

Tough one really, married 8 years just and together for 12 years, at times when she's got one on her I wonder to myself as to why I put up with this sh*t and how it would be if I just left?

I often find myself thinking back to simpler times when the only person that needed looking after was me, how easy that was, how easy it was to spend time doing stuff I wanted to do, and wonder why I gave that up. But then we have two wonderful children (4&6) and I know if Mum and Dad weren't together it would be so bad for them. Realistically the good times massively outweigh the bad and I'm sure we'll still be together long after the kids have flown the nest but who knows. There is always the niggle and I sometimes fantasise about her committing some sort of infidelity which would without a doubt end our marriage but at least I'd come away from it smelling of roses. Very unlikely to happen though as she has pretty strong morals around these sorts of issues.

Sensible head on the thought of splitting horrifies me because what if it was a massive mistake on my part and that actually I wanted to be back together but she didn't. The financial side of it doesn't bear thinking about either, e.g. giving away half the pension that I've worked long and hard for.

Lots to consider there!

[TwigtheWonderkid]

hyphen said:

As old fashioned and unpolitical correct as it is, most marriage happiness often comes down to the husband being fed a good meal fairly regularly, and getting bedroom activity fairly regularly - as guys will tolerate the weird ways of women if they are kept happy, and when happy, it brings the best out of them too.

I think it's equally easy to keep a woman relatively happy. In my experience, all they are really looking for in a bloke is honesty and sincerity, and if you can fake those two, you're laughing.

[mcbook]

Sheepshanks said:

hyphen said:

As old fashioned and unpolitical correct as it is, most marriage happiness often comes down to the husband being fed a good meal fairly regularly, and getting bedroom activity fairly regularly - as guys will tolerate the weird ways of women if they are kept happy.....

I think that is an old fashioned thing. My missus knows what needs to be done, and she learned that off her mother. Younger women seem to want to be married and have kids, but also want to be independent.

I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?

Younger women want to be married, have kids and be independent... are these things mutually exclusive?

[geeks]

7 years married, 8 together (maybe 9, I dunno) we just work, it's just the ways it's been and hopefully; will be, don't get me wrong, she has her moments (and I certain she would say the same about me) but beyond that its all good!

Communicate and piss take, that's my mantra and she seems to appreciate it!

Oh and don't forget to chuck in the odd "yes dear.." to shut her up when she just wont quit on something

Edited by geeks on Thursday 7th December 12:05

[FocusRS3]

mcbook said:

I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?

Think you make a good point.

My wife and i where possible share everything when im not working although she does the cooking as im horrendous.

I dread to think of what would happen if i told her it was my right for her to cook and clean for me and to be able to swing my leg wherever i dictate

[SpeckledJim]

FocusRS3 said:

mcbook said:

I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?

Think you make a good point.

My wife and i where possible share everything when im not working although she does the cooking as im horrendous.

I dread to think of what would happen if i told her it was my right for her to cook and clean for me and to be able to swing my leg wherever i dictate

It's not a black and white issue, of course.

But I'm sure that ladies with low sex drives withholding all action from their gentlemen for months or years on end is the cause of a lot of marriage breakdowns.

Because from the man's perspective with sex comes intimacy (and from the woman's perspective with intimacy comes sex, or not) so without sex, a bloke can start thinking along the lines of 'my housemate isn't much fun'... and if the wife becomes the housemate, then there's a problem.

[vixen1700]

It'll be 20 years next year, so pretty solid.

[hyphen]

mcbook said:

I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?

Younger women want to be married, have kids and be independent... are these things mutually exclusive?

I deliberately didn't say every night, that would not be realistic in todays both parties working reality, I said fairly regularly.

Define independent? Do you mean it in a different way, as many young women have been married, having kids and being independent for quite a while now.

FocusRS3 said:

Think you make a good point.

My wife and i where possible share everything when im not working although she does the cooking as im horrendous.

I dread to think of what would happen if i told her it was my right for her to cook and clean for me and to be able to swing my leg wherever i dictate

Different relationships are different.

But your typical relationship is still and probably will always be to some degree with the female doing traditional female jobs and the man doing traditional mens jobs in the household.

Take my OH, independent, successful, a mother.

She has no interest at all in anything such as putting the bins out, changing light bulbs and so on. Nothing to do with being oppressed by societal expectations, being given a barbie doll when she was young or anything like that, just not of interest to her and the same for many other gender related stereotypes that exist because they are in reality the norm.

She also knows that if she went up several dress sizes it wouldn't go down well, and if I developed a middle aged gut that wouldn't be appreciated by her neither.

We can pretend things are how The Guardian portrays, or we can look around and see the truth.

Edited by hyphen on Thursday 7th December 12:11

[D1bram]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

So much in common with this... especially the last paragraph. Though no kids involved.

My ex is not a bad woman at all.. just... as you so well describe. I'm sorry my marriage failed, but she just buried her head and buggered off to ride her horse whenever the subject of our failing relationship was raised.

I miss her, as a person, but I know we had no future together.

[Sheepshanks]

FocusRS3 said:

I dread to think of what would happen if i told her it was my right for her to cook and clean for me and to be able to swing my leg wherever i dictate

She shouldn't need to be told.

[Yipper]

The stats typically show 40-50% of Western marriages end in divorce, around 10-20% at any one time are in the pre-divorce phase of uncertainty, 10-20% are in the golden honeymoon early period, while the remaining 5-10% are the rock-solid love-forever marriages.

In short, everyone's marriage has a roughly 50-50 chance of some success, and around 1 in 10 chance of complete "fairytale" success.

[hyphen]

md4776 said:

It's nice to read the stories. I feel my relationship is straining and stretching the other way, getting thinner and thinner. Ironically like my hair line, still there, just not as full as it used to be.

Double digit years together with a young kid. We seem to co exist more than anything else these days. I can see if it remains this way then the writings on the wall but I'm not sure how to prevent it. I've tried to talk to her on it but nothing seems to be met with much of a response. It's always been the way that there's a bit of a role reversal with us; shes much less likely to tell me how she feels or instigate any affectionate gestures. A few months ago I stopped as well and she doesnt appear to have even noticed.

Actually feels slightly better to have written it out as the words have been trapped in my head until now.

Keep trying to talk to her, hopefully eventually she will let you in and tell you what is wrong so can be addressed.

[FocusRS3]

SpeckledJim said:

It's not a black and white issue, of course.

But I'm sure that ladies with low sex drives withholding all action from their gentlemen for months or years on end is the cause of a lot of marriage breakdowns.

Because from the man's perspective with sex comes intimacy (and from the woman's perspective with intimacy comes sex, or not) so without sex, a bloke can start thinking along the lines of 'my housemate isn't much fun'... and if the wife becomes the housemate, then there's a problem.

Yes this is very true. Intimacy has to be a part of a relationship IMO

[Alex]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

I think it's equally easy to keep a woman relatively happy. In my experience, all they are really looking for in a bloke is honesty and sincerity, and if you can fake those two, you're laughing.

They like it if you can do a bit of tiling too.

[FocusRS3]

Sheepshanks said:

She shouldn't need to be told.

Hmmmm , horses for courses i guess

[Ari]

mcbook said:

I'm quite shocked by these posts. The man should expect to get his dinner made every night and the woman should provide bedroom activity, as if it's some kind of duty. What does the woman get out of these relationships? Housekeeping money and exclusive use of the hoover?

Younger women want to be married, have kids and be independent... are these things mutually exclusive?

I think that's a very good question. Looking at many of my friends, it seems to me that a lot (not all!) of women seem to view marriage very much as a career path. It's quite focussed, ruthless almost. Find a man that has good earning potential, get engaged, get married, buy house, have children.

And I think that's why you often hear men complain that the closeness and passion dies quickly once married because once they've ticked marriage off the career path, they maybe don't feel obligated to carry on the methods that got them there, particularly if, actually, they don't really fancy the bloke very much.

I've a couple of friends who have got together with women who very clearly saw them as a good financial prospect and who were sadly disappointed, and they made it very plain. And a lot of the divorce posts on PH have the ring of attractive woman unhappily married to wealthy but unappealing (physically and/or emotionally) spouse about them.

Before I get accused of being a misogamist, I'll counter it by saying I know plenty of smart happy driven women who have carved out their own career paths and have very equal relationships.

But what I call the career relationship ladder for women does seem quite prevalent.

[lukefreeman]

This thread is so homo.

[iphonedyou]

hyphen said:

As old fashioned and unpolitical correct as it is...

And wrong. Don't forget wrong.

[James P]

Rude-boy said:

Having been married for 2 weeks i'll have to get back to you on that...

That said we have been together for 12 years, living together for 11 and a half of those and we've had our fair share of life's little joys and curve balls. Honestly as each year passes we seem to grow together as a couple more and more and whilst we have the odd up and down we are very much a team and work as one, and will do so even more in the years to come now that we are no longer subject to the inequality of opportunity for unmarried couples.

I reckon you’ll both see it through

Seriously though you’re about the best matched couple I can think of