Separated Parents Question
Discussion
I'm hoping this is ok to post in here and would appreciate advice from anyone with experience of this situation.
So, my ex and I have a 4 year old daughter. Everything has been civil in the main part, I pay child support arranged between us which goes out by direct debit without fail. Unfortunately my ex chose to move back to her home town with our daughter so moved 130 miles away from where we lived as a couple.
Everything has gone surprisingly well, with me picking up my daughter every other weekend and her mum collecting from me, I paid her fuel cost in addition to child support. Then I'm asked if we can change that arrangement and meet halfway on both days and I agree. It's not ideal but I'm not going to be difficult for the sake of it.
In the mean time my ex has moved into her partners place with my daughter (albeit not admitting as such) and my partner and I have recently had a baby.
Cue things becoming more and more tricky and something I strongly suspect is that my ex aiming for me to start picking up and dropping off each time. Just noticing that she has me doing longer and longer runs, where I've picked up the whole way, then met midway the following day etc.
So here's my question, finally! Is there any obligation on my ex's part to do the driving she does to enable my daughter to spend time with me? If it went to court (not my intention at all) would there ever be a ruling that would say she had to do half the driving as well? Would our home circumstances be considered at all, such as my other child, work etc. along with hers?
So, my ex and I have a 4 year old daughter. Everything has been civil in the main part, I pay child support arranged between us which goes out by direct debit without fail. Unfortunately my ex chose to move back to her home town with our daughter so moved 130 miles away from where we lived as a couple.
Everything has gone surprisingly well, with me picking up my daughter every other weekend and her mum collecting from me, I paid her fuel cost in addition to child support. Then I'm asked if we can change that arrangement and meet halfway on both days and I agree. It's not ideal but I'm not going to be difficult for the sake of it.
In the mean time my ex has moved into her partners place with my daughter (albeit not admitting as such) and my partner and I have recently had a baby.
Cue things becoming more and more tricky and something I strongly suspect is that my ex aiming for me to start picking up and dropping off each time. Just noticing that she has me doing longer and longer runs, where I've picked up the whole way, then met midway the following day etc.
So here's my question, finally! Is there any obligation on my ex's part to do the driving she does to enable my daughter to spend time with me? If it went to court (not my intention at all) would there ever be a ruling that would say she had to do half the driving as well? Would our home circumstances be considered at all, such as my other child, work etc. along with hers?
Usually the parent given guardianship wouldn't be expected to help at all and the other one (you) do all the fetching and returning (though a court, as mentioned, can order anything), up to now you've had it easy and I'd suggest a court would probably stick at that, so in your case I'd be tempted to not rock the boat all the time you are getting some leeway out of it. If it goes to court, even if you win something you could well end up losing out (and alienating your daughter) so I'd try and keep it amicable.
If she is cohabiting then there is a good chance the amount of child support you HAVE to pay will have reduced, so you could casually mention that as a lever but I wouldn't make a big deal of it for the same reasons I gave above.
A mate at work went through similar (80 miles in his case) and he certainly found sorting it amicably to be much more fruitful.
If she is cohabiting then there is a good chance the amount of child support you HAVE to pay will have reduced, so you could casually mention that as a lever but I wouldn't make a big deal of it for the same reasons I gave above.
A mate at work went through similar (80 miles in his case) and he certainly found sorting it amicably to be much more fruitful.
Grey v Grey?
http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed52974
Perhaps 'good chance' was unclear, 'possible', 'may' etc would certainly be true.
http://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed52974
Perhaps 'good chance' was unclear, 'possible', 'may' etc would certainly be true.
Last para
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/...
It happened to (worked for) a friend of mine.
https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/...
It happened to (worked for) a friend of mine.
To be fair I'm not looking to reduce any money that her mother receives, I'm used to paying that out and it's piece of mind for me knowing that my daughter has a roof over her head (it pays my ex's monthly mortgage payments). I don't know what the situation would be with her effectively moving in with her partner but she has another house that's partly in her name and I assume bills as well. From what I understand due to that she'd not be considered as living with her partner as she's got another house she's running.
She is extremely cagey about telling me that they live with him though so I don't know if she has a worry it could upset either what I give her or what benefits she may claim. Either way, I'm not out to change that as that's her prerogative. I'm also aware I can reduce payments due the birth of my second child but again, I don't need to do that so I won't do it for the sake of it.
I was just intrigued as to whether where was any obligation on her part with regards to travel and it sounds like there isn't. Although as stated in one respect I have had that fairly easy, there are other sides to the situation which haven't been such as any additional time, holidays and keeping me in the dark about important things.
From my side I don't understand where the difficulty has come from as it was fine for a long time but that's not relevant here.
Thanks for the advice so far.
She is extremely cagey about telling me that they live with him though so I don't know if she has a worry it could upset either what I give her or what benefits she may claim. Either way, I'm not out to change that as that's her prerogative. I'm also aware I can reduce payments due the birth of my second child but again, I don't need to do that so I won't do it for the sake of it.
I was just intrigued as to whether where was any obligation on her part with regards to travel and it sounds like there isn't. Although as stated in one respect I have had that fairly easy, there are other sides to the situation which haven't been such as any additional time, holidays and keeping me in the dark about important things.
From my side I don't understand where the difficulty has come from as it was fine for a long time but that's not relevant here.
Thanks for the advice so far.
Alex_225 said:
To be fair I'm not looking to reduce any money that her mother receives, I'm used to paying that out and it's piece of mind for me knowing that my daughter has a roof over her head (it pays my ex's monthly mortgage payments). I don't know what the situation would be with her effectively moving in with her partner but she has another house that's partly in her name and I assume bills as well. From what I understand due to that she'd not be considered as living with her partner as she's got another house she's running.
She is extremely cagey about telling me that they live with him though so I don't know if she has a worry it could upset either what I give her or what benefits she may claim. Either way, I'm not out to change that as that's her prerogative. I'm also aware I can reduce payments due the birth of my second child but again, I don't need to do that so I won't do it for the sake of it.
I was just intrigued as to whether where was any obligation on her part with regards to travel and it sounds like there isn't. Although as stated in one respect I have had that fairly easy, there are other sides to the situation which haven't been such as any additional time, holidays and keeping me in the dark about important things.
From my side I don't understand where the difficulty has come from as it was fine for a long time but that's not relevant here.
Thanks for the advice so far.
OP i've done the whole court thing, i strongly advise against it (it's expensive & stressful)She is extremely cagey about telling me that they live with him though so I don't know if she has a worry it could upset either what I give her or what benefits she may claim. Either way, I'm not out to change that as that's her prerogative. I'm also aware I can reduce payments due the birth of my second child but again, I don't need to do that so I won't do it for the sake of it.
I was just intrigued as to whether where was any obligation on her part with regards to travel and it sounds like there isn't. Although as stated in one respect I have had that fairly easy, there are other sides to the situation which haven't been such as any additional time, holidays and keeping me in the dark about important things.
From my side I don't understand where the difficulty has come from as it was fine for a long time but that's not relevant here.
Thanks for the advice so far.
However, my childs mum wouldn't play ball, so every penny was worth it!
As has been said, the court can order anything.
If you can afford to pay her the extra then by all means do it, court will cost more (probably).
You may find she's being cagey as she's claiming some form of benefits or something along those lines, or (i don't want to put ideas in your head), but there maybe another reason, (her new partner may have a criminal history or something along those lines).
OR there is the entirely innocent reason of she just doesn't want you knowing that much about them and cant be arsed to meet you half way!
Alex_225 said:
Thanks for the advice so far.
I have a couple of friends who have been though this recently.One of them saw his ex and children move a 4 hour car journey (8 hours round trip) away. He ended up doing this for every visit.
Courts can order anything. The other friend had to go to court because his ex (partner not wife) was being very difficult. He got the access he needed and she has to pick up from his (its only 20 minutes) but the bill was £15k plus.
Can sympathise OP - my daughter lives 130 miles away and over the years I’ve asked several times for the travelling to be shared but each time it falls on deaf ears so I just suck it up. Still, she’s almost at the age where she can travel in the train on her own which will be an adventure for her and mean I don’t have to get up at 6am on a weekend 
Chris
Chris
theguvernor15 said:
OP i've done the whole court thing, i strongly advise against it (it's expensive & stressful)
However, my childs mum wouldn't play ball, so every penny was worth it!
As has been said, the court can order anything.
If you can afford to pay her the extra then by all means do it, court will cost more (probably).
You may find she's being cagey as she's claiming some form of benefits or something along those lines, or (i don't want to put ideas in your head), but there maybe another reason, (her new partner may have a criminal history or something along those lines).
OR there is the entirely innocent reason of she just doesn't want you knowing that much about them and cant be arsed to meet you half way!
I must admit court would be the absolutely last thing I would want to go for. As you say expensive and a huge cause of stress, I'm sorry to hear that was your only route. However, my childs mum wouldn't play ball, so every penny was worth it!
As has been said, the court can order anything.
If you can afford to pay her the extra then by all means do it, court will cost more (probably).
You may find she's being cagey as she's claiming some form of benefits or something along those lines, or (i don't want to put ideas in your head), but there maybe another reason, (her new partner may have a criminal history or something along those lines).
OR there is the entirely innocent reason of she just doesn't want you knowing that much about them and cant be arsed to meet you half way!
I don't have an issue with regards to paying my ex for the support for my little girl. In a strange way it makes me feel that tiny bit better that I can at least make sure she has the things she needs considering I can't see her as much as I'd like.
I had thought the exact same thing about the whole benefits situation. I don't know what she claims, it's entirely up to her and if she's doing it fraudulently I'm not out to grass her up. Thing is she's got my daughter into a school that's five minutes walk from his house, I never pick up from her actual house (when I used to) and any suggestion of me picking up from his even though it's ten miles further on gets refused quite quickly. Take Christmas for example, she made it difficult so I said I'd do both journeys, the moment I mentioned collecting from her partners place it was meeting half way.
Bizarrely he was actually always alright. Conversations were once sided with me asking how he was etc, but normal enough that it didn't phase me. Now the guy pretty much ignores me and has been just plain rude when I took my daughter to her first day of school, went to her nativity play etc.
Mrr T said:
I have a couple of friends who have been though this recently.
One of them saw his ex and children move a 4 hour car journey (8 hours round trip) away. He ended up doing this for every visit.
Courts can order anything. The other friend had to go to court because his ex (partner not wife) was being very difficult. He got the access he needed and she has to pick up from his (its only 20 minutes) but the bill was £15k plus.
That is an absolute killer for your friend. I'm slightly staggered that, that can be seen as fair at all but I suppose I'm seeing it from a fathers perspective. I suppose I just see it as important for the child that they see both sides of their family and that there's an obligation for both parents to enable that. I admire your friend for managing an 8 hour round trip as that's double the distance I would have to go. One of them saw his ex and children move a 4 hour car journey (8 hours round trip) away. He ended up doing this for every visit.
Courts can order anything. The other friend had to go to court because his ex (partner not wife) was being very difficult. He got the access he needed and she has to pick up from his (its only 20 minutes) but the bill was £15k plus.
The one thing my ex doesn't factor in when she's being difficult is that I rarely push for more time. It's not that I don't want it but she makes it so awkward, like I have to justify why I want my daughter to come and stay. Also there are things I try my best to accommodate for example keeping my daughter awake in the car. Sounds daft but if she nods off on the way home, she's up until midnight which is no good for anyone. So my mum usually comes along to keep her awake. The times we pick up and drop off are all detemined by her mum etc. I don't feel the need or see the point in arguing these things.
I just don't understand the need to make things difficult when originally we got on as parents just fine. Does make me wonder what outside influences get put on here to make her change significantly.
ScoobyChris said:
Can sympathise OP - my daughter lives 130 miles away and over the years I’ve asked several times for the travelling to be shared but each time it falls on deaf ears so I just suck it up. Still, she’s almost at the age where she can travel in the train on her own which will be an adventure for her and mean I don’t have to get up at 6am on a weekend
Chris
Thanks Chris, sounds like a very similar to my situation albeit you've been doing a lot more driving. Fair play to you mate as there's so many dads that don't bother when their kids are 20 minutes away let alone that. Chris
I used to do the early start. On the M25 at 5.30am on a Saturday then home by 10.30am! Worked quite well for the first few years.
ScoobyChris said:
Can sympathise OP - my daughter lives 130 miles away and over the years I’ve asked several times for the travelling to be shared but each time it falls on deaf ears so I just suck it up. Still, she’s almost at the age where she can travel in the train on her own which will be an adventure for her and mean I don’t have to get up at 6am on a weekend
Chris
Same here - I make a similar journey every other weekend. However I usually take my kids back on the train and enjoy the time together (providing the trains run on time!!!)Chris
The Rookie said:
A mate at work went through similar (80 miles in his case) and he certainly found sorting it amicably to be much more fruitful.
I do a 150 miles round trip every other Friday & Sunday to have my daughter for the weekend. Have done for nearly 8 years now. Never asked her to make any real effort, the 2 or 3 occasions I have she has turned up so late (no spite, just whatever...) I might as well not bother, so I don't.Good pod casts, some favourite songs, gritting your teeth and forcing a smile & pleasentries in the short term (even if it doesn't feel like it...) is GURANTEED a better option then court & the forcing of issues. Do it for your daughter, and if needs be drop it down to once a month, but take a day leave and spend it with your whole family. You will benefit in the long term.
Alternatively every other trip only go for the day or weekend? Just show face, show willing, remind her who you are and head back in the afternoon? I did this for a few years when I lost my job and relocated.
You MUST keep it civil, if you go to to court... it. Won't. End. Well.
Edited by Andehh on Monday 15th January 17:51
If it's relatively civil at the moment then the fact you're doing more of the fetching and carrying is a small price to pay.
The instant it goes to court that civility is likely to disappear, you'll both get poorer and speaking from experience being 'interviewed' by the courts as an under 10 is not fun and stays with you.
The instant it goes to court that civility is likely to disappear, you'll both get poorer and speaking from experience being 'interviewed' by the courts as an under 10 is not fun and stays with you.
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