End of tether with our son
Discussion
croyde said:
RadoVR6 said:
Is he playing on call of duty by any chance?
Minecraft when younger but now it's an online game called Fortnight. Another shoot em up by the look of it. Up at all hours shouting and swearing into his headset with all his 'mates'.
Only way we could sort it was to time the internet to go off at 10.30 p.m.
He wasn't happy but at least we could get some sleep.
Blown2CV said:
could he be being bullied at school and being with you in "the country" help? Also might explain why you moving to London has meant he now responds to you less.
I wondered this too. Change of environment, change of scene, possibly a less pressured school life (as in peer pressure, rather than performance pressure).Being told his mum can't cope with his behaviour and that he is being moved a hundred miles away might be enough for him to consider how his behaviour affects others and how that can impact his life.
I am going to say something differently, as a parent of a moody teenager. It sounds like he is crying out for your help OP.
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
I feel for you OP. Been through an 18 month rollercoaster with my now 14 yo daughter. Her Mother and I aren't together either. CAMHS referrals, Ed Welfare involved you name it and was getting nowhere for a long time. Although the situation was somewhat manageable until she started refusing to go to school. Probably missed about 6 months in the last 12. However, she is now slowly improving and as I type she went in this morning without too much fuss.
Some things I (we) learnt over this time:
Set some boundaries and house rules and ensure these are enforced at both houses. For example; no phone time after X O'clock.
Kids need sleep. They dont think they do but they do..!! Set a time they have to be in their room on a school night and agree to relax this on a weekend.
Start punishing bad behaviour. Remove phone or PS4 privileges. They will kick off but let them. They are testing the boundaries but stick to your guns. Conversely reward good behaviour within reason.
Try and remain calm (easier said than done). You are the adult. If it gets too much just walk away. I'm sure they get some perverse delight in seeing the parents kick off...
It's good if you and the ex are on the same side as they will play one off against the other. Myself and my ex have sat down and agreed what the boundaries are and shared this with our daughter. She didn't like it at first but has since improved greatly. She will now voluntarily surrender her phone on an eve for example. Although she's still horrible to us most of the time at least she's going to school and engaging with friends unlike a few months ago.
Just to conclude but also give them some time there will not be an overnight improvement.
Most of all though the very best of luck....
Some things I (we) learnt over this time:
Set some boundaries and house rules and ensure these are enforced at both houses. For example; no phone time after X O'clock.
Kids need sleep. They dont think they do but they do..!! Set a time they have to be in their room on a school night and agree to relax this on a weekend.
Start punishing bad behaviour. Remove phone or PS4 privileges. They will kick off but let them. They are testing the boundaries but stick to your guns. Conversely reward good behaviour within reason.
Try and remain calm (easier said than done). You are the adult. If it gets too much just walk away. I'm sure they get some perverse delight in seeing the parents kick off...
It's good if you and the ex are on the same side as they will play one off against the other. Myself and my ex have sat down and agreed what the boundaries are and shared this with our daughter. She didn't like it at first but has since improved greatly. She will now voluntarily surrender her phone on an eve for example. Although she's still horrible to us most of the time at least she's going to school and engaging with friends unlike a few months ago.
Just to conclude but also give them some time there will not be an overnight improvement.
Most of all though the very best of luck....
AndStilliRise said:
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
Because nothing says 'well done for trashing the house' like a holiday in Dubai! If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
We've had similar issues, albeit at a slightly younger age, been through the CAMHS/Mast/Social Services network to varying degrees, before finally being placed on a Triple P parenting course. It's made a huge difference, and by changing our mindset, it has helped us deal a lot better with him, which in turn has improved his behaviour. - http://www.triplep.net/glo-en/home/
It's still not perfect, and it takes a lot of self control and joint effort from both parents, and is particular hard if there is an estranged parent who refuses to engage, but I would recommend it to anyone struggling with teens.
It's still not perfect, and it takes a lot of self control and joint effort from both parents, and is particular hard if there is an estranged parent who refuses to engage, but I would recommend it to anyone struggling with teens.
AndStilliRise said:
I am going to say something differently, as a parent of a moody teenager. It sounds like he is crying out for your help OP.
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
For me, and speaking as a parent of 13 and 14 year old boys, this is nail on the head. I don't really feel able to comment without knowing the OP's son, but I would personally take my kid well out of his comfort zone, away from games consoles, where his phone won't work, and other family members... Away on a travelling holiday for some son and Dad time, also with a little bit of 'look what you take for granted' thrown in, such as hiking in India, tents in Wales etc. I genuinely believe it would do the world of good, and would be what I would do should I experience similar problems with either of my offspring.It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
ShyTallKnight said:
Some things I (we) learnt over this time:
Set some boundaries and house rules and ensure these are enforced at both houses. For example; no phone time after X O'clock.
Kids need sleep. They dont think they do but they do..!! Set a time they have to be in their room on a school night and agree to relax this on a weekend.
Start punishing bad behaviour. Remove phone or PS4 privileges. They will kick off but let them. They are testing the boundaries but stick to your guns. Conversely reward good behaviour within reason.
Try and remain calm (easier said than done). You are the adult. If it gets too much just walk away. I'm sure they get some perverse delight in seeing the parents kick off...
It's good if you and the ex are on the same side as they will play one off against the other. Myself and my ex have sat down and agreed what the boundaries are and shared this with our daughter. She didn't like it at first but has since improved greatly. She will now voluntarily surrender her phone on an eve for example. Although she's still horrible to us most of the time at least she's going to school and engaging with friends unlike a few months ago.
Just to conclude but also give them some time there will not be an overnight improvement.
Most of all though the very best of luck....
This sounds very familiar, and what we learned on the PPP course. Sleep is still an issue, and our router will block all his devices from 9pm. There was the usal kick off and tantrums when this first happened, but rather than rise to it simply proved his attitude didn't reward any movement or negotiation on the subject.Set some boundaries and house rules and ensure these are enforced at both houses. For example; no phone time after X O'clock.
Kids need sleep. They dont think they do but they do..!! Set a time they have to be in their room on a school night and agree to relax this on a weekend.
Start punishing bad behaviour. Remove phone or PS4 privileges. They will kick off but let them. They are testing the boundaries but stick to your guns. Conversely reward good behaviour within reason.
Try and remain calm (easier said than done). You are the adult. If it gets too much just walk away. I'm sure they get some perverse delight in seeing the parents kick off...
It's good if you and the ex are on the same side as they will play one off against the other. Myself and my ex have sat down and agreed what the boundaries are and shared this with our daughter. She didn't like it at first but has since improved greatly. She will now voluntarily surrender her phone on an eve for example. Although she's still horrible to us most of the time at least she's going to school and engaging with friends unlike a few months ago.
Just to conclude but also give them some time there will not be an overnight improvement.
Most of all though the very best of luck....
A united front is paramount - as soon as they realise that one parent isn't a soft touch over the other, the change in attitude is noticeable.
80quattro said:
AndStilliRise said:
I am going to say something differently, as a parent of a moody teenager. It sounds like he is crying out for your help OP.
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
For me, and speaking as a parent of 13 and 14 year old boys, this is nail on the head. I don't really feel able to comment without knowing the OP's son, but I would personally take my kid well out of his comfort zone, away from games consoles, where his phone won't work, and other family members... Away on a travelling holiday for some son and Dad time, also with a little bit of 'look what you take for granted' thrown in, such as hiking in India, tents in Wales etc. I genuinely believe it would do the world of good, and would be what I would do should I experience similar problems with either of my offspring.It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
We have previously taken my son's phone away from him for over a few weeks for which he then responds in kind by not eating and so therefore compounding problems further by destroying his health and falling into a 'don't care' circle.
We are still in a position were we can remove his phone from him and he knows we will should his behavior reach a stage which is not comfortable for us his parents. We limit the removal as will become tedious.
OP do you have any activities or similar interests that you and your son can share? An engagement on your part is required before calling the police or moving him out, i feel.
AndStilliRise said:
I am going to say something differently, as a parent of a moody teenager. It sounds like he is crying out for your help OP.
It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
Have to say this makes a lot of sense to me, the stick works for some and the carrot for others. If he's a sensitive kid then being hard on him may just make him hate the world all the more. He's crying out for help, I'd be looking at counselling and spending some time with him away from both of your normal environments(doesn't need to be Dubai). It does not seem like it but the fact he is trashing the house, he is trying to show you how he feels inside. There is nothing wrong with him. He needs some support, love and care. Now regardless of his behavior, he is your son, so in many respects he is representing you in situations including family and friends.
If it was me, I would be looking for a way to bond with him, i.e. Perhaps you can give him something a parent can, go-karting or a holiday (Dubai) something were both you and him are involved.
I hope this helps in some way.
croyde said:
Minecraft when younger but now it's an online game called Fortnight.
Another shoot em up by the look of it. Up at all hours shouting and swearing into his headset with all his 'mates'.
I'm 20 next week and on the odd occasion I get on the xbox for an hour I've lost the rag a couple of times playing this. 100 player elimination style game so can be very frustrating being eliminated towards the end of the match - can last a good while. Another shoot em up by the look of it. Up at all hours shouting and swearing into his headset with all his 'mates'.
Is he friends with the guys he plays on the PS4 with in real life?
In my opinion exclusion from other kids in school starts when he prefers socializing with random players online than with people he actually knows.
It always seemed to be the kids that nobody heard from outside of school hours that struggled with people skills, didn't get on with parents/teachers etc. If you are familiar with any of his friends' parents I'd maybe see about getting a few days out arranged.
Is there anyone that he looks up to or relates to? My brother in law went through something similar except all he cared about was his latest GF. To the point that he bombed his GCSEs, we are talking Oxbridge candidate to will he get to Uni at all candidate.
My wife asked me to talk to him as I seemed to be the only person he would actually talk to in a civil way. Probably because I'm only 10 years older and get most of his interests like PS4. So I took him out and had a chat with him explained in a very relaxed way that all the nice things and privileges that he has are because his father earns a shed load of money and most don't have what he has. Also pointed out no degree no good job much harder to impress his GF.
Turned out he just had no work ethic because everyone around him seemed to have everything they wanted without achieving academic success like his father and myself. Once I explained that it was much harder than it looks he agreed with me.
So far distinctions all the way through his first year at college and off his own back got a job.
Does he have any goals to speak of?
Sometimes I think no matter how good the advice if it is coming from a parent it just isn't going to get through. Hope you can sort him out some how.
My wife asked me to talk to him as I seemed to be the only person he would actually talk to in a civil way. Probably because I'm only 10 years older and get most of his interests like PS4. So I took him out and had a chat with him explained in a very relaxed way that all the nice things and privileges that he has are because his father earns a shed load of money and most don't have what he has. Also pointed out no degree no good job much harder to impress his GF.
Turned out he just had no work ethic because everyone around him seemed to have everything they wanted without achieving academic success like his father and myself. Once I explained that it was much harder than it looks he agreed with me.
So far distinctions all the way through his first year at college and off his own back got a job.
Does he have any goals to speak of?
Sometimes I think no matter how good the advice if it is coming from a parent it just isn't going to get through. Hope you can sort him out some how.
My nephew was very similar, he was never very academic, his interest only piqued if a playstation was involved, he was aggressive and uncooperative treating his mother like something he trod in, the family were worried about him and his future.
Somehow he landed a apprenticeship as a plasterer and he has made us all proud, he has developed an envious work ethic, has a massive appetite for learning new skills and has developed both physically and in confidence, he can now look at you when you talk to him. Which in itself is a revelation.
From Kevin to a young man the family can be proud of in the space of two years, and he did it all himself, any advice or help from family fell on deaf ears.
Somehow he landed a apprenticeship as a plasterer and he has made us all proud, he has developed an envious work ethic, has a massive appetite for learning new skills and has developed both physically and in confidence, he can now look at you when you talk to him. Which in itself is a revelation.
From Kevin to a young man the family can be proud of in the space of two years, and he did it all himself, any advice or help from family fell on deaf ears.
Dinoboy said:
I honestly think a lot of people are too Blasé about the effect on children of parents break up. Possibly because it's so commonplace but for a lot of kids it's something that can take a long time to get over and some never do.
It can cause a lot of issues.I do wonder what I'd be like if I had a better family unit.
OO Beckton said:
I wouldn't have thought a 6"2 lad in an independent school was being bullied
Why? There is endless opportunity for bullying these days, it can occur around the clock and it can be visible to hundreds of peers. It can come from somebody he’s never met, even completely anonymous.
Plus years of constant psychological torment and manipulation which is devastating to self worth and self esteem is difficult to talk about or articulate while physically snapping and lashing out once will immediately make him the aggressor.
croyde said:
RadoVR6 said:
Is he playing on call of duty by any chance?
Minecraft when younger but now it's an online game called Fortnight. Another shoot em up by the look of it. Up at all hours shouting and swearing into his headset with all his 'mates'.
Have recently been through the same with my Stepson now 17.5 and similarly tall.
It all kicked off when his mother jumped ship from the marriage and family when he was 15 turning 16 and about to sit his GCSEs.
It had a profound effect on him i’m sure. He stayed with me for the most part and had a strained relationship with his mother although that is better now.
Anyway I did the whole “fly him first class to Vegas and spend two weeks male bonding” thing and it didn’t help one bit, if anything I ended up resentful that I’d wasted it on him when his younger sister would have regarded it the trip of a lifetime.
I did also smash the PS4 in a moment of utter frustration on my part. It was extremely satisfying for a few seconds then it just felt disappointing that it had come to that.
He ended up missing a year of college after failing to do even the bare minum to stay enrolled, but just started again today having been given a chance of a fresh start and I have to say he seems to have suddenly realised that he can’t afford to f
k this one up. I’m hoping it has been a 15-17 year old thing and he’s on the cusp of growing out of it.
It all kicked off when his mother jumped ship from the marriage and family when he was 15 turning 16 and about to sit his GCSEs.
It had a profound effect on him i’m sure. He stayed with me for the most part and had a strained relationship with his mother although that is better now.
Anyway I did the whole “fly him first class to Vegas and spend two weeks male bonding” thing and it didn’t help one bit, if anything I ended up resentful that I’d wasted it on him when his younger sister would have regarded it the trip of a lifetime.
I did also smash the PS4 in a moment of utter frustration on my part. It was extremely satisfying for a few seconds then it just felt disappointing that it had come to that.
He ended up missing a year of college after failing to do even the bare minum to stay enrolled, but just started again today having been given a chance of a fresh start and I have to say he seems to have suddenly realised that he can’t afford to f
k this one up. I’m hoping it has been a 15-17 year old thing and he’s on the cusp of growing out of it.I’m going to say the thing nobody else seems to, and I hope you take this in the spirit it’s intended.
It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
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