Modern toilets cannot cope

[Wildcat45]

AppleJuice said:

What was the conclusion of your discussion?

It remains unconcluded. He is taking indecisive to a new level but as he has contributed to this thread, he should read this and pitch in.

[Lazermilk]

FN2TypeR said:

miniman said:

colin_p said:

especially ones who do teeny weeny fairy dust sized plops and you will end up with crappers that simply cannot cope.

They don't, though, do they? They'd like you to think they do, but the truth is they leave behind cables that could have cheerfully come from a Canadian logging camp.

A friend of mine works as a cleaner in a large office block and claims that the female toilets are far, far worse than the gents; she says that they're a pack of dirty bds.

At my old place of work there was one woman who would piss all over the seats and not clean it up, everyone knew who it was as the other women had worked it out after some time, since it was always a mess after the phantom pisser had been in, they would just try to avoid it after she had been in there.

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

However, the mens outdoor large portaloo also received some decorating one day, nobody knew who did this one as it was outside our warehouse and could have been someone from the site using it rather than our staff, although we had some suspects. It was basically like a dirty protest, the walls etc were smeared in it and looked like hands were used! I thankfully didn't see it but a workmate told me about it in some detail as he had to help clean it up! Dirty bds!

[zbc]

colin_p said:

Cyder said:

They’re telescopic, think headlamp cleaner nozzle, water pressure forces it outward until it’s eye to eye with your ring then like a Karcher it blasts the debris away from in a localised area.
Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.

Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.

How does telescoping bit know when to stop and not actually go up your bum?

It reaches out into the centre of the bowl rather than up towards you. More about getting the angle right rather than getting super close

[anonymous-user]

The toilets in our office are through a door off the reception. I let loose this morning with some force, resulting in a godawful noise. When I walked back through reception, the nice Italian lady on the desk shook her head at me

[Usget]

This is my new favourite thread on PH. I particularly liked the misunderstanding of the axis of the bum gun - imagine if it just telescoped towards you! Sort of like an inverse version of the scream from Kevin and Perry Go Large.

[captain_cynic]

Grahamdub said:

The toilets in our office are through a door off the reception. I let loose this morning with some force, resulting in a godawful noise. When I walked back through reception, the nice Italian lady on the desk shook her head at me

A few years back when I worked for an Oz govt department (I was a contractor, not a full Public Servant) on my first day when being shown around I was shown the toilets on the mainly empty 7th floor where you could take a giant st without disturbing anyone.

Such knowledge is important when you work in Govt.

7th floor also had the media unit, so it was already full of giant turds.

[lufbramatt]

devnull said:

Bum guns are a revelation.

I do want to fit a proper jap auto bidet anus spa in my house. Can we get them in the UK? I remember when I got married 2 years ago the bridal suite bathroom had one fitted - far more interesting to play with than chat with half of the relatives I didn't want to invite in the first place.

Have a look at Geberit Aquaclean.

I used to work for Geberit, I went out to the HQ in Switzerland and the loos all had them in. IR taps, IR soap dispensers, auto doors, auto bum cleaning. You could literally do your business and clean up without touching anything with your hands. Apart from dropping trou.

[colin_p]

zbc said:

It reaches out into the centre of the bowl rather than up towards you. More about getting the angle right rather than getting super close

Gotcha. Like a right angled pressure washer attachment for doing under the wheelarches.

However, how does it know what to aim for? There is a fine line between the target area and the back of your dangling ball bag or fanny if you are a girl. I assume you have to wiggle about until it hits the spot.

It sounds like a great idea but could be tricky to try before you buy.

[lufbramatt]

The ones I had experience with at Geberit could be programmed with a remote control for nozzle extension, water temp, run time etc. I think they even had settings for different users like memory seats on expensive cars.

[devnull]

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

[LeadFarmer]

Anyone here ever submitted one of their photos to ratemypooh.com?

[devnull]

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

[Lazermilk]

devnull said:

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

Yes sure, I don't doubt it, it was more the fact she just sprayed everywhere like some cat marking its territory and didn't bother cleaning it up that everyone thought was most weird... She must have realised this was weird but assumed nobody would know who it was!

[motco]

devnull said:

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

Female urination can be a messy business at the best of times. They have no nozzle as such, and the flaps tend to perturb the stream randomly. The higher the outlet is above the catchment area, the more over-spray will occur, obviously. All in theory, of course. I've never actually watched...

[Europa1]

Wildcat45 said:

That's the last time I drink Black Sheep.

Edited by Wildcat45 on Saturday 18th August 10:29

Edited by Wildcat45 on Saturday 18th August 10:33

I'm sorry to hear that; it's one of the finest beers known to man.

[Jayzee]

motco said:

Female urination can be a messy business at the best of times. They have no nozzle as such, and the flaps tend to perturb the stream randomly. The higher the outlet is above the catchment area, the more over-spray will occur, obviously. All in theory, of course. I've never actually watched...

Aha! So that explains the bloody pee stains under the seat that have mystified me for nearly 30 years!

[Captain Smerc]

LeadFarmer said:

Anyone here ever submitted one of their photos to ratemypooh.com?

You are a very sick man

[StanleyT]

lufbramatt said:

devnull said:

Bum guns are a revelation.

I do want to fit a proper jap auto bidet anus spa in my house. Can we get them in the UK? I remember when I got married 2 years ago the bridal suite bathroom had one fitted - far more interesting to play with than chat with half of the relatives I didn't want to invite in the first place.

Have a look at Geberit Aquaclean.

I used to work for Geberit, I went out to the HQ in Switzerland and the loos all had them in. IR taps, IR soap dispensers, auto doors, auto bum cleaning. You could literally do your business and clean up without touching anything with your hands. Apart from dropping trou.

I've used one of them, once........some posh hotel in Kuntsford.

Unfortunately my bowel movement was in two parts (like all great symphonies) and the "probe" started to come out just as the second discharge occurred. As second discharge ended they spray was reaching it's maximum and I was "enema'd" by the probe.

However, it was quite a pleasant feeling in itself and the closing of my recently straining sphincter added to the pleasure/pain feeling.

Little did I know some water had gone up my back canal and after being suitably dried, feeling cleansed I left the trap, washed my hands, dried them and returned towards the bar where a little fart was brewing, at which point I did a very wet watery fart (fortunately black trousers) and some moisture began to appear at my feet. "Ha, ha, Stan's pissed himself" was the general comment, I didn't let on that it was dilute bum gravy and promptly disappeared from said night out.

I later found out that a couple of my work colleagues had had exactly the same experiences before and the approach to having a dump on those toilets was feet on the rim of bowl, hands on the wall above the cistern and trousers and crackers fully off "reverse cowboy style". That way when the spray came you could wash the Johnston if so desired then jump off and back and use the loo roll with no anal soup created to cause problems later.

With regards to toilet fiends, I worked at a place about ten years ago where on a Friday morning someone removed all the loo roll from the traps, then used to shut themselves in one. Then when post Thursday night out / Friday company bought breakfast barms were being dispatched from the bomb-bay doors, said fiend would pipe up "You got no loo roll, got some here for a quid, you roll the money to me, I'll roll the roll to you". I don't know what was more disgusting, picking up a stty quid or a damp loo roll just rolled across the trap floors. Of course, the voice gave away whom it was and after a few too many occasions his car exhaust was filled with loo roll tubes and damp loo roll paper that had been in the bogs. That ceased said stwittery.

For phantom pissers, look at about 0:58 seconds onwards, appears the jet goes over the front rim.

https://www.geberit-aquaclean.co.uk/en_uk/produkte...

Edited by StanleyT on Monday 20th August 19:45

[RammyMP]

This is my new favourite thread!

I’ve tried one of those ring squirters at that restaurant up the Shard, it didn’t work to be honest but I did have the sts at the time and my arse was like the Japanese flag to start with.

[Mr2Mike]

devnull said:

Lazermilk said:

Their theory was she didn't sit down and just hovered over the seat/in the general direction of the toilet and just let loose!

This is not theory - this is actually a thing. Many women I know admit to hovering for fear of getting ass / thing rabies should they ever dream of actually sitting on a bog.

We had a spate of broken toilet seats and "dirty protest" style decoration around the remnants of the seat and floor. Turned out to be some visitors from the companies Chinese factory were attempting to use the bogs as "squat" type toilets...

In the companies previous building one of the wall mounted bogs was a bit loose on it mountings, so was usually avoided by any regulars. However a colleague decided to risk it as the other stall was out of wiping material, and number two duties were proceeding well when the mountings finally gave way causing both driver and bowl to perform a less than graceful dive onto the floor. He desperately scrabbled to avoid the contents of the pan which were sliding towards him propelled by a small tsunami of bog water, cleaned himself up and then reduced us all to tears by regaling his tail of woe. Just to top it off, by the time he'd gone off to report it someone else had discovered his handiwork and got to facilities first, so the toilet now sported a "Closed due to vandalism" sign on the door.