Who is right, ex or new partner?

Who is right, ex or new partner?

Author
Discussion

MC Bodge

21,552 posts

174 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
Grant12 said:
It’s all about choices.

Hopefully some people will have read this who might have considered doing what I did, and they might think again now.
That sounds like regret to me....

Grant12

Original Poster:

24 posts

68 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
It’s all about choices.

Hopefully some people will have read this who might have considered doing what I did, and they might think again now.

sjc

13,883 posts

269 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
OP, genuine question, what feels right to you ?

Grant12

Original Poster:

24 posts

68 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
sjc said:
OP, genuine question, what feels right to you ?
Paying, of course. Doing whatever I can for my daughter.

To take the blinkers off and see that I’m not being hoodwinked by my ex because she knows I’ll do pretty much anything for my daughter, and that if there’s any manipulation going on it’s coming from somewhere else.

sjc

13,883 posts

269 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
Grant12 said:
sjc said:
OP, genuine question, what feels right to you ?
Paying, of course. Doing whatever I can for my daughter.

To take the blinkers off and see that I’m not being hoodwinked by my ex because she knows I’ll do pretty much anything for my daughter, and that if there’s any manipulation going on it’s coming from somewhere else.
Then your answer is in your first line I’d suggest.
Your ex may be manipulating, your current lady maybe hormonal or potentially controlling.
Either way, if you take all the emotion out of it on both sides it’s still the right answer.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
Black can man said:
Reading this makes me feel lucky that i have been happily married for 35 years come September.
The sad thing is you've actually been married 60 years!!!!

80sMatchbox

3,891 posts

175 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Black can man said:
Reading this makes me feel lucky that i have been happily married for 35 years come September.
The sad thing is you've actually been married 60 years!!!!
laughlaughlaugh

Reading this thread, I'm happy being single.

OP, all the best, I mean it.

MissChief

7,095 posts

167 months

Friday 20th July 2018
quotequote all
I'm sorry to hear of your predicament and expecting with the new Missus does make things difficult. However, if the shoe were on the other foot and your current was your ex, I'm sure the tune would be VERY different.

What about instead of paying directly to the ex, pay the nursery instead? That way there can be no suspicion or suggestion that ex is using the money for anything but the child's nursery?


And, sorry to say it, your new partner sounds lovely, I'm sure you'll be very happy together. laugh

blearyeyedboy

6,252 posts

178 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
Grant12 said:
this was just to try and get her to see how unreasonable she is being.
Grant12 said:
To take the blinkers off and see that I’m not being hoodwinked by my ex...
Grant12 said:
and that if there’s any manipulation going on it’s coming from somewhere else.
Hold fire OP. Stop and think very carefully before making your next move. What are you trying to achieve here with this thread? Making the wrong move inspired by the wrong motivation could cause you and those you care for further harm.

Are you faced with a difference of opinion, find your resolve needed some calibration from a bunch of internet strangers? That's OK, if you then go in to the discussion and calmly try to persuade your new partner. Maybe, as the above poster says, pay the nursery directly? Remember that being right and persuading people to change their minds are two different things. There are many articles on the subject but this is an easily digestible, simple one. Calm discussion while addressing what she might be concerned about is important. Maybe negotiate some other compromise? (eg, "OK, I pay her the £100 but it gets paid to the nursery directly and I cancel my Sky Sports subscription and gym membership so we're no worse off")

Are you hoping to show your partner what other people say in this thread? While it may show that a lot of people are in favour of paying £100/month for your daughter's nursery, there are many vitriolic comments that would be damaging to anyone's self esteem to read and nothing to do with the nursery fee issue. (e.g., "SWT", "nasty bh" and "got pregnant deliberately" are going to hurt, and when they do then no other logical argument will get in there.) This will have the opposite effect to that of the first option; it will result in a right argument at best and is unlikely to further your daughter's welfare. In the discussion, tackle the issue; insults will only get her back up.

Are you regretting where you are now and wanting your old life back? (Hence the third quote above.) I don't judge you for what's happened because I don't know what led up to it and I haven't walked in your shoes. But you don't get to go back a turn in the chess game of life; you've lost some important pieces and now you must play on from where you are now. Don't burn up relationship number 2 just because of regret about relationship number 1; ascribing judgemental emotions such as her "manipulating" might be true, or they might be jumbled emotions relating to pangs of regret about what you've lost. Don't rashly proceed while mistaking one for the other; a potentially happy current relationship could be at risk if you blame her for all your feelings. One issue doesn't mean you don't agree on many more besides.

However you navigate this, seek to be a proper dad to both children. Genuinely, I wish you well and hope you find a way through.

Grant12

Original Poster:

24 posts

68 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
blearyeyedboy said:
Hold fire OP. Stop and think very carefully before making your next move. What are you trying to achieve here with this thread? Making the wrong move inspired by the wrong motivation could cause you and those you care for further harm.

Are you faced with a difference of opinion, find your resolve needed some calibration from a bunch of internet strangers? That's OK, if you then go in to the discussion and calmly try to persuade your new partner. Maybe, as the above poster says, pay the nursery directly? Remember that being right and persuading people to change their minds are two different things. There are many articles on the subject but this is an easily digestible, simple one. Calm discussion while addressing what she might be concerned about is important. Maybe negotiate some other compromise? (eg, "OK, I pay her the £100 but it gets paid to the nursery directly and I cancel my Sky Sports subscription and gym membership so we're no worse off")

Are you hoping to show your partner what other people say in this thread? While it may show that a lot of people are in favour of paying £100/month for your daughter's nursery, there are many vitriolic comments that would be damaging to anyone's self esteem to read and nothing to do with the nursery fee issue. (e.g., "SWT", "nasty bh" and "got pregnant deliberately" are going to hurt, and when they do then no other logical argument will get in there.) This will have the opposite effect to that of the first option; it will result in a right argument at best and is unlikely to further your daughter's welfare. In the discussion, tackle the issue; insults will only get her back up.

Are you regretting where you are now and wanting your old life back? (Hence the third quote above.) I don't judge you for what's happened because I don't know what led up to it and I haven't walked in your shoes. But you don't get to go back a turn in the chess game of life; you've lost some important pieces and now you must play on from where you are now. Don't burn up relationship number 2 just because of regret about relationship number 1; ascribing judgemental emotions such as her "manipulating" might be true, or they might be jumbled emotions relating to pangs of regret about what you've lost. Don't rashly proceed while mistaking one for the other; a potentially happy current relationship could be at risk if you blame her for all your feelings. One issue doesn't mean you don't agree on many more besides.

However you navigate this, seek to be a proper dad to both children. Genuinely, I wish you well and hope you find a way through.
Thank you for that. Very perceptive and able to cut to the main issue but in a way which is less black or white. I have taken your comments on board and they will help a lot, particularly with regards to the latter part.

7795

1,070 posts

180 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
OP, taking what you have said at face value, you seem to be doing the right thing by your children/ex.

My alarm bells would be ringing off the hook concerning your new girlfriend though. I'd be thinking, "Jesus, and now I've got a baby coming with this woman who has shown her true colours". Her behaviour is akin to a new matriarch moving in and wants the old one gone with all of its baggage. It's all for her, in her mind.

Sorry OP, but good luck and continue to do the right thing by your current children...

Bobberoo99

38,367 posts

97 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
I probably shouldn't comment as I have no children and am happily married to a wonderful woman (23 years in September), my parents divorced when I was a baby, and my mum has another failed marriage behind her, the only constant in my life was my dad and my nan, just a bit of useless background on me.
OP only you know the reasons for the breakup of your relationship and marriage, and whether or not your new relationship is right and will work, the fact that your new GF has fallen pregnant so quickly is a concern, my cousin went through the same thing and I'm sorry to say it's a rare thing for it to happen "accidently", the prime thing I think is the fact you want to do what's right for your daughter, you must find a way to explain to your new GF that it won't effect your position and is something you need to do and will do. I truly hope you can make this work, best of luck.

Monkeylegend

26,226 posts

230 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
Bobberoo99 said:
OP only you know the reasons for the breakup of your relationship and marriage,
You can imagine a scenario though, man and woman get married, have baby, baby requires lots of attention, man feels unwanted, unloved,, want's his twice weekly, woman doesn't.

Man finds bit on side for his twice weekly with new woman, new woman magically gets pregnant, first woman finds out man is being naughty and kicks man out of matrimonial home, man reluctantly moves in with second woman knowing it's a rinse and repeat of first situation and still loves first woman, it was only sex after all with second woman.

Man still in love with first woman feels trapped and asks for advice on the internet.

So what we have is a loving mother, a snake with tits, a man with snake, a broken marriage, a broken down trodden man, a pregnant control freak and stuck in the middle a poor innocent baby.

Sounds like a good story line for a book.

ClaphamGT3

11,269 posts

242 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
anonymous said:
[redacted]
She'll also take over managing the family finances so she can tell you what you can and can't afford to pay to your first family.

An epically f*cked up acquaintance of Mrs Clapham who met her husband when she occupied the desk outside his office door boasts to her girlfriends that this is how she minimises what his first wife and kids get.


FN2TypeR

7,091 posts

92 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
Monkeylegend said:
Bobberoo99 said:
OP only you know the reasons for the breakup of your relationship and marriage,
Sounds like a good story line for a book.
Nah, it's a tale as old as time; no need to write it down.

Oakey

27,523 posts

215 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
OP, how long have you known the new woman, how long have you been together and how long into the relationship when she became pregnant?


Driver101

14,376 posts

120 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
What is the CSA's guidelines these days? Is it still 15% of take home pay?

For most people 15% of their take home pay wouldn't begin to cover 50% of the cost of raising a child.

Are you willing to tell us how much you are actually paying?

If your current partner is getting touchy about £100 per month for nursery fees, how is she about contact and spending more on expensive activities?

What about buying things for your child? Will the new partner insist that all things like clothes and additional living expenses come from the CSA equivalent budget?

Unless you're a massive earner the gap between what the CSA deem as the minimum and what is actually the minimum required for a decent upbringing could be significant.




Sa Calobra

37,010 posts

210 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
OP won't reply. He's got his answer and has left the topic

80sMatchbox

3,891 posts

175 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
Sa Calobra said:
OP won't reply. He's got his answer and has left the topic
He knew all along, just wanted confirmation on here.

theboss

6,878 posts

218 months

Saturday 21st July 2018
quotequote all
There's nothing wrong with paying as calculated by the CSA/CMS. There are a lot of sanctimonious types here all falling over themselves to say how much more than that they voluntarily pay. Good for them and their offspring, but it's a bit nauseating to be shamed for paying the 'bare minumum'. Some of us are working ourselves into the ground, having our kids as often as possible, all whilst paying the mother the 'bare minimum' and watching her swan around in a very entitled manner enjoying the trappings of a benefits and maintenance funded non-working, loads-of-holidays, new clothes every day lifestyle.

Edited by theboss on Saturday 21st July 15:00