Who is right, ex or new partner?

[Grant12]

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I just need some impartial advice...

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

[Brainpox]

The money is for your kid, not your ex. Don't see what new partners problem is.

[TooMany2cvs]

Grant12 said:

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar.

This seems not only the utterly civilised thing to do, but basically financially fair.

Grant12 said:

Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

What sort of amount are we talking about here, compared with your income and your ex's income, roughly speaking?

[Integroo]

Grant12 said:

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I just need some impartial advice...

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

Your new partner is wrong, you should contribute towards your child's nursery fees.

Your new partner also sounds like a bit of a gold-digging pillock and I would watch my back if I were you. No offence.

[Funk]

You're not supporting your ex, you're supporting your kid. Sounds like you're being sensible, pragmatic and fair with your ex and your new partner is being unreasonable in my view.

Take my opinion with a pinch of salt though as I've never been in your position.

Edited by Funk on Thursday 19th July 16:27

[Gruber]

Brainpox said:

The money is for your kid, not your ex. Don't see what new partners problem is.

Quite. If new partner can't understand that you want to continue to look after your daughter as best you can in the circumstances, then might I humbly suggest you're probably with the wrong partner.

[s1962a]

Won't the CSA come after you anyway for their pound of flesh to give to your ex, regardless of what you or your current partner think? My point is that you are doing what you need to legally, and I presume morally to look after your child.

Incidentally, how does the split between child maintenance and spousal maintenance work? I guess you are paying both?

[Hashtaggggg]

Integroo said:

Grant12 said:

Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I just need some impartial advice...

Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.

So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.

My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

Your new partner is wrong, you should contribute towards your child's nursery fees.

Your new partner also sounds like a bit of a gold-digging pillock and I would watch my back if I were you. No offence.

This

[Zetec-S]

If your new partner has issues with you spending a bit more money on your daughter's wellbeing... ...

[irocfan]

Funk said:

You're not supporting your ex, you're supporting your kids. Sounds like you're being sensible, pragmatic and fair with your ex and your new partner is being unreasonable in my view.

Take my opinion with a pinch of salt though as I've never been in your position.

this ^^^

[Grant12]

TooMany2cvs said:

What sort of amount are we talking about here, compared with your income and your ex's income, roughly speaking?

I’d be paying an extra £100 a month. Which I can afford. New partner says that’s £100 less for us and means we won’t be able to borrow as much when we get a mortgage together and house etc

[Sten.]

Grant12 said:

what are people’s thoughts on this?

The new partner should keep their nose out. They've contributed to the break-up of a marriage and a child growing up without both parents together, they really shouldn't be commenting on what you do with your money to support your child.

[Dixy]

You may wish to review the parameters by which you chose a partner as they seem to be letting you down.

[Grant12]

TooMany2cvs said:

What sort of amount are we talking about here, compared with your income and your ex's income, roughly speaking?

I’d be paying an extra £100 a month. Which I can afford. New partner says that’s £100 less for us and means we won’t be able to borrow as much when we get a mortgage together and house etc

[Vocal Minority]

Afraid whilst its the awkward conversation - don't be that Dad that does the bare minimum.

[sonnenschein3000]

OP I think you're being decent and fair about the situation.

£100 a month isn't that much in the bigger scheme of things, surely?


I've never been in such a situation btw

[LordGrover]

£1,400 against a twenty year mortgage is small beer, especially when it may mean so much to your daughter.

[carguy45]

Grant12 said:

. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.

Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance

This money is for your child. Would you like said child coming to you in 20 years saying she missed out on school trips or had a rubbish time at a lesser school? Would your response be ........ "I'm sorry, but I just didn't want to pay £1 more than I legally should!"

I'm not having a go here - what's done is done- but you have to understand and accept that there will be a lot of upheaval for your child, a lot of emotion, and possibly a lot of pain and angst for them down the line as a result of the actions of you and your new partner. Taking an extremely strict financial stance will only compound that damage. Your new partner needs to be a bit more understanding.

With regards to your own thoughts and feelings, I would also advise you be wary of any new partner who is already trying to control your dealings - financial or otherwise - with your ex and your child. She has an emotional attachment with you, but beyond that this is essentially none of her business and I don't think she should have any say whatsoever (at least not yet) in your dealings with your child. That is completely between you and your ex.

[JuniorD]

New partner sounds like a right good one, NOT!

She must be wild in bed though, otherwise why would you?

[Cotty]

Grant12 said:

I’d be paying an extra £100 a month. Which I can afford. New partner says that’s £100 less for us and means we won’t be able to borrow as much when we get a mortgage together and house etc

Unless you have married the new partner it is you money to spend how you like. Sounds like she is getting upset the money is not being spent on her.