Who is right, ex or new partner?
Discussion
My opinion, based on what you have written is similar to many others really.
She is your daughter, she deserves the best opportunities in life that both you and your ex can provide for her, especially at this young age. If the money is going to be for her benefit, then give whatever is required and available. If it were me, it wouldn't even be up for discussion. Give time too.
The fact your new missus can't understand what you are wanting to do and why would have alarm bells ringing - it sounds like many arguments are on the horizon there.
Hope it all works out for you all in the best way possible - it sounds like its going to be a pretty stressful situation with another baby on the way to manage as well.
She is your daughter, she deserves the best opportunities in life that both you and your ex can provide for her, especially at this young age. If the money is going to be for her benefit, then give whatever is required and available. If it were me, it wouldn't even be up for discussion. Give time too.
The fact your new missus can't understand what you are wanting to do and why would have alarm bells ringing - it sounds like many arguments are on the horizon there.
Hope it all works out for you all in the best way possible - it sounds like its going to be a pretty stressful situation with another baby on the way to manage as well.
My 2p:
I pay double what the CSA recommend, not because i have to or have even been asked to, but because I appreciate the level of effort and extra costs it takes to raise a child as a lone parent. So good on you for realising this and paying extra on top of the CSA.
I also pay around 1200 a month in Nursery fees for my step children, their dad seems to think paying the minimum (and doing the minimum is acceptable) Children are very aware of levels of effort put in by parents....which brings me on to....
Your new partner. I would be very concerned that she is causing an issue over such a small amount of money, even more so that she is pregnant. I would be wary that when the new child arrives, she will try to exclude your 4 year old and 'guilt' you into not seeing her, spending time with her etc etc.
I speak from experience...an ex of mine showed a few warning signs like your new partner, i ignored them because i thought she was just a bit jealous and would get over it. She then tried getting me to choose between her and my son. It didn't go well for her.
Hopefully I am wrong and you have a wonderful life together
I pay double what the CSA recommend, not because i have to or have even been asked to, but because I appreciate the level of effort and extra costs it takes to raise a child as a lone parent. So good on you for realising this and paying extra on top of the CSA.
I also pay around 1200 a month in Nursery fees for my step children, their dad seems to think paying the minimum (and doing the minimum is acceptable) Children are very aware of levels of effort put in by parents....which brings me on to....
Your new partner. I would be very concerned that she is causing an issue over such a small amount of money, even more so that she is pregnant. I would be wary that when the new child arrives, she will try to exclude your 4 year old and 'guilt' you into not seeing her, spending time with her etc etc.
I speak from experience...an ex of mine showed a few warning signs like your new partner, i ignored them because i thought she was just a bit jealous and would get over it. She then tried getting me to choose between her and my son. It didn't go well for her.
Hopefully I am wrong and you have a wonderful life together
Edited by Christmassss on Thursday 19th July 16:47
Richard-390a0 said:
StuVT said:
At least the new partner is just happy you can be together......
Oh wait money is her first concern.....
You may have cocked your life up for nothing old chap.
^^^^ ThisOh wait money is her first concern.....
You may have cocked your life up for nothing old chap.
Pay the extra £100 a month, it is for your daughter not your ex wife.
I don't envy your situation.
OP, I think it's true to say you seemed to have f
ked up big time. Whatever you do now you have two children to support and it will be one long continuous battle with your current partner over whose child should get what, and you are going to regret getting yourself into this situation.
Having said that it seems like you already have. That's the trouble when us men let our willies rule our heads.
Seems to me like you are facing a life of misery and slavery, you will end up a broken man
ked up big time. Whatever you do now you have two children to support and it will be one long continuous battle with your current partner over whose child should get what, and you are going to regret getting yourself into this situation.Having said that it seems like you already have. That's the trouble when us men let our willies rule our heads.
Seems to me like you are facing a life of misery and slavery, you will end up a broken man
Grant12 said:
Thanks again for all your replies. I am expecting a child with new partner.
New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
You'll soon be paying 2 X child maintenance and rent for a bedsit. Good luck.New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
I will be swimming against the tide here somewhat and I'd like to make it clear that in my opinion none of us know enough to be casting opinions about any of the people in your life.
It might be seen as an honourable decision to offer additional monies such as the additional nursery payments but at the same time you have to be extremely careful that it is not interpreted as weakness - in my experience of these situations (personal and anecdotal) it is often not long before you are being courted for additional monies on a very regular basis and at some point you will have to take stock and make a decision which straw causes the camel to say "enough".
As well as the actual financial angle of constantly paying out "extra" you'll also find the never ending stream of texts requesting these payments to be very wearing psychologically - it becomes difficult to balance your new life with an ex who continually bombards you and allowing her to "win" is a dangerous thing to do. Bear in mind that no matter how much money you give her or your daughter and no matter how hard you try you will always be a total loser in her eyes and the sooner you realise that and make your own decisions (independent of your new partner) the better.
It will be a very, very long time before you will be able to analyse everything that is happening to you right now in an objective way. And the same goes for your ex wife.
It might be seen as an honourable decision to offer additional monies such as the additional nursery payments but at the same time you have to be extremely careful that it is not interpreted as weakness - in my experience of these situations (personal and anecdotal) it is often not long before you are being courted for additional monies on a very regular basis and at some point you will have to take stock and make a decision which straw causes the camel to say "enough".
As well as the actual financial angle of constantly paying out "extra" you'll also find the never ending stream of texts requesting these payments to be very wearing psychologically - it becomes difficult to balance your new life with an ex who continually bombards you and allowing her to "win" is a dangerous thing to do. Bear in mind that no matter how much money you give her or your daughter and no matter how hard you try you will always be a total loser in her eyes and the sooner you realise that and make your own decisions (independent of your new partner) the better.
It will be a very, very long time before you will be able to analyse everything that is happening to you right now in an objective way. And the same goes for your ex wife.
I don't normally comment on this type of thread but I really couldn't help myself with this one.
Bit of background, I have an 11 year old daughter with ex partner. Been with my o/h six years now and my daughter has live with us for 3 of those years.
So, I have a bit of experience in the area to have an opinion on this.
With regards to your situation, I'm going to have to mirror what others have said in that, from what you have told us, new partner sounds like a dick. I'm sure that isn't the case, but she really is going to need to change that attitude. She's not just taking you into her life, she is taking you and your child into her life, and as much as she may not like it, your ex into her life to a certain extent. You still have at least 14 years of your ex having to be part of your life whether you like it or not – if new partner cannot accept that, then you're soon to be put into a position where you are having to choose between your partner and your child, more than you already are.
In the grand scheme of things, shes won. You've left your wife, family and 4 year old child to be with this woman, what right does she have to start telling you what you can and cannot do with your money. And if she can't see that the money will be a direct positive impact on your childs happiness through what will already be a disturbing and turbulent time then I take back my previous statement and she most certainly is a dick.
Please do the right thing. I don't consider you a horrible person for leaving your wife and child (not that I know the way in which you did it), no one deserves to live a life miserable and I think staying together for children's sake is even worse. However if you don't set your new partner straight and pay that extra money then you most certainly are a horrible person. This is just the start, there will be lots of compromises along the line but they will all be for the good of your child and thats the most important factor in this equation.
Bit of background, I have an 11 year old daughter with ex partner. Been with my o/h six years now and my daughter has live with us for 3 of those years.
So, I have a bit of experience in the area to have an opinion on this.
With regards to your situation, I'm going to have to mirror what others have said in that, from what you have told us, new partner sounds like a dick. I'm sure that isn't the case, but she really is going to need to change that attitude. She's not just taking you into her life, she is taking you and your child into her life, and as much as she may not like it, your ex into her life to a certain extent. You still have at least 14 years of your ex having to be part of your life whether you like it or not – if new partner cannot accept that, then you're soon to be put into a position where you are having to choose between your partner and your child, more than you already are.
In the grand scheme of things, shes won. You've left your wife, family and 4 year old child to be with this woman, what right does she have to start telling you what you can and cannot do with your money. And if she can't see that the money will be a direct positive impact on your childs happiness through what will already be a disturbing and turbulent time then I take back my previous statement and she most certainly is a dick.
Please do the right thing. I don't consider you a horrible person for leaving your wife and child (not that I know the way in which you did it), no one deserves to live a life miserable and I think staying together for children's sake is even worse. However if you don't set your new partner straight and pay that extra money then you most certainly are a horrible person. This is just the start, there will be lots of compromises along the line but they will all be for the good of your child and thats the most important factor in this equation.
Grant12 said:
Apologies if this is in the wrong place, I just need some impartial advice...
Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.
My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.
Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance
I guess the biggest question is does this £100 genuinely leave you short. If it does your new woman has a point, if not she's out of order IMO.Ok, before I start I’ll add that I left my wife for another woman. I don’t need to be told if I’m a rubbish person because if that, it’s done. What I do need is impartial advice.
So in the separation proceedings I have agreed to give my soon to be ex wife the house. In return, she has borrowed money from her parents and paid off all matrimonial debt. The equity in house and the debt was roughly similar. Neither of us wanted to sell because we have a happy, settled 4yr old. In return I have agreed to pay maintenance in accordance with CSA guidelines, and added I would pay a bit more for daughter’s nursery fees for another 13/14 months until she starts school. It isn’t a great amount, but my daughter is very happy in her nursery and I want to keep her there, especially while all this is going on.
My new partner sees this as me funding my ex’s lifestyle, stating if she can’t afford the fees with my CSA guideline based contributions then she should make sacrifices herself. She views my ex wife as taking the proverbial out of me, and feels I am putting my ex before her needs. She’s asks how will we have a life or be able to afford things if I give more money to ex. But she also states it’s the principle and I shouldn’t pay £1 more than what I legally should.
Again, impartially , what are people’s thoughts on this? It’s leading me down a dark path as I feel I’m trapped and I really need some advice. Thank you in advance
stuthe said:
said: Initial reaction was new GF out of order, not a good omen the way you presented it.
That said, given she's currently pregnant, I presume with her first, you can cut her some slack for wanting to 'protect her & new kids future'. It's not a good vibe, IMO, but I can understand where the thought came from if she's been looking at houses, imagining nurseries etc... and thinks ex could spoil the 'nest' she's imagined.
As has been said, kids first. Balancing two women and two kids is an art you'll have to learn
Best of luck.
Oh FWIW and the avoidance of doubt, the ex sounds to have her head really well screwed on, maintain that relationship as it is it's new GF that needs recalibration, hard as that may be!
So much THIS. As hard as it is at times. But the more reasonable and civil that relationship can be, the less stress you will put yourself through over the following years.That said, given she's currently pregnant, I presume with her first, you can cut her some slack for wanting to 'protect her & new kids future'. It's not a good vibe, IMO, but I can understand where the thought came from if she's been looking at houses, imagining nurseries etc... and thinks ex could spoil the 'nest' she's imagined.
As has been said, kids first. Balancing two women and two kids is an art you'll have to learn
Best of luck.
Oh FWIW and the avoidance of doubt, the ex sounds to have her head really well screwed on, maintain that relationship as it is it's new GF that needs recalibration, hard as that may be!
My ex stopped me seeing my daughter for over a year when she was 2 years old, such an important part of her life. I'll never forgive her for that, but I paid my CSA throughout regardless and never go out my way to make her life difficult. Life is just too short for all that.
Grant12 said:
Thanks again for all your replies. I am expecting a child with new partner.
New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
I hope you can find a way through your impasse.New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
Your partner's response is a flawed argument. The choice equivocates two options of "the nursery fees for 14 months" and "the bare minimum and the occasional holiday and present". If I borrowed £100 from you, and you were miffed because I only paid you back £10, would it really make things OK if I promised to pay you back £11? I doubt it.
Don't kid yourself that "bare minimum plus the odd trinket" is OK. Don't be that guy.
Dads tell themselves that they'll be there when their child needs them to step in to protect them from an event that may harm their future. In my opinion, it's now your turn to step in- not just for this time, but to draw a line for all the other times over the next two decades when this issue will rear its ugly head.
I genuinely wish that you and your new partner can resolve this- you will have two families to be dad for now, after all- and that resolution isn't at the expense of your daughter's wellbeing.
Grant12 said:
Thanks again for all your replies. I am expecting a child with new partner.
New partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
Suggest you make plain to new partner that, unless she fancies experiencing the sharp end of single parenthood, she recalibrate her attitude sharpishNew partner says I won’t be paying bare minimum for daughter because I’ll still be buying her things and taking her on holidays etc
One question.....................
Was the current pregnancy planned? If so, who initiated that conversation? If it was a "surprise pregnancy" you have all the info you need to make decisions going forward.
As other have said though, leave room in the budget to be as generous to child #2 as you are to #1 post separation.
Was the current pregnancy planned? If so, who initiated that conversation? If it was a "surprise pregnancy" you have all the info you need to make decisions going forward.
As other have said though, leave room in the budget to be as generous to child #2 as you are to #1 post separation.
[quote=Sten.]
. They've contributed to the break-up of a marriage
Absolute crap. These things don't happen in happy marriages. My new partner didn't contribute to the break up of my marriage. My wife m,anaged that all on her own. If it hadn't been my new partner, it would have been someone else.
. They've contributed to the break-up of a marriage
Absolute crap. These things don't happen in happy marriages. My new partner didn't contribute to the break up of my marriage. My wife m,anaged that all on her own. If it hadn't been my new partner, it would have been someone else.
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