Experience with extra marital affairs!

Experience with extra marital affairs!

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Discussion

Otispunkmeyer

9,524 posts

94 months

Friday 18th January
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Sorry no help, but as I was reading that I was going to ask if I know you because I have a friend who has had the exact same thing happen to him. Though they didn't have kids.

But married for ages, she was off here there and everywhere with work and now shacks up with the guy she was travelling with (who might have been her boss I think).

Petrus1983

1,746 posts

101 months

Friday 18th January
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enzozidanedragan said:
Petrus1983 said:
It’s over. Keep it civil but also appreciate that women often play mean over these things - even when they’re in the wrong.
I am the woman, it’s my husband who’s been having the affair
Just seen this - apologies for naughty assumptions!

Sa Calobra

28,076 posts

150 months

Saturday 19th January
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Emmapuma said:
Speaking from experience, you will never EVER trust him again. You would only be lying to yourself if you said you could.

My ex husband had an affair with a work colleague of his - began in a very similar way, bit of flirting, inflating his ego, coming onto him etc. One thing led to another and the started a relationship behind my back. I only found out because he wanted to be with her and his guilty conscious and cowardice meant that he text me to tell me.

Anyway, I so desperately wanted it to work - I loved the man and took my wedding vows seriously and ultimately we gave it another go. The feeling of not trusting him whilst I knew he was at work with her was incredibly unbearable and I ended up ending our relationship in order to save my sanity.

The emotional scars he has given me still lie deep, I have had insecurity issues ever since. I am very lucky that I have since met a wonderful man who was in a similar situation to myself so he has been extremely patient when I have my 'moments' (which are becoming quite rare now thankfully!)
Just to muddy the waters: I had an affair and ended it. I married my long-term partner three years ago. I haven't strayed since and there is massive opportunity at work but I'm not interested.

I'm allowed to go where I want whenever with no checks.

There are many reasons why someone strays.

eltawater

1,641 posts

118 months

Saturday 19th January
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Otispunkmeyer said:
Sorry no help, but as I was reading that I was going to ask if I know you because I have a friend who has had the exact same thing happen to him. Though they didn't have kids.

But married for ages, she was off here there and everywhere with work and now shacks up with the guy she was travelling with (who might have been her boss I think).
Unlikely given that the OP is a She and it's her hubby who has been doing the travelling smile

theboss

4,187 posts

158 months

Saturday 19th January
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Sa Calobra said:
Just to muddy the waters: I had an affair and ended it. I married my long-term partner three years ago. I haven't strayed since and there is massive opportunity at work but I'm not interested.

I'm allowed to go where I want whenever with no checks.

There are many reasons why someone strays.
Does your partner know about the affair?
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ApOrbital

5,676 posts

57 months

Saturday 19th January
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And how old was he?

Thesprucegoose

17,243 posts

134 months

Saturday 19th January
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Trust has gone, if he had fessed up you could at leat trust a bit of what he said. It's clear he wants his cake and eat it, is this the first affiar maybe not. I would leave him and move on, it really is a waste of time staying together now.

Sa Calobra

28,076 posts

150 months

Saturday 19th January
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theboss said:
Does your partner know about the affair?
Well yes. 40 at the time.

There was only one.

Sa Calobra

28,076 posts

150 months

Saturday 19th January
quotequote all
Sometimes trust is something that the person cheated holds and decides if they can give it again.

Would I? Difficult to answer unless I was in that situation.

Not all of life is black and white.

Howitzer

2,667 posts

155 months

Saturday 19th January
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I travel for 6 months of the year in some good places but mainly pretty rubbish places.

Africa, Europe, asia, I'm currently sat in Asuganj in Bangladesh.

I've had women sent to my room asking if I want a massage, I've been told of cheap rates, one time in Nigeria working on Snake Island the security team have a folder with known safe prostitutes that are allowed in by boat at the weekend laugh . I even had to buy a prostitute to sit at the same table as me and a colleague at a hotel bar as otherwise every 5 minutes you were pestered by ladies of the night.

There is huge temptation when travelling but knowing you shouldn't get caught surely can't be a reason to do it? I've never succumb and never will, I have what I want at home.

If you can genuinely forgive then go for it, but I know if when I was away my wife cheated on me, I'd never be able to not wonder if the same was happening again.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I hope it works out as well as possible but don't be naïve and do voice any issues you have or this will just go on and on.

Good luck!

Dave!

theboss

4,187 posts

158 months

Saturday 19th January
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Sa Calobra said:
Sometimes trust is something that the person cheated holds and decides if they can give it again.

Would I? Difficult to answer unless I was in that situation.

Not all of life is black and white.
For me it would all come down to how much was at stake e.g. family/kids, and the sincerity of the person who breached trust in terms of whether they truly wanted to recommit to the relationship.

I made the “mistake” of trying to repair my first marriage after an indescretion - my intentions were sound because I genuinely wanted to hold our family unit together and repair the relationship - but I effectively allowed her to continue maintaining secrecy. If it’s obvious she’s on her phone texting 24/7 in the aftermath of an affair, and she refuses to reveal what’s going on, there has to be zero tolerance whereas I think I just buried my head in the sand because I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. (All whilst being cast as “controlling”, “paranoid” etc)

A partner who was truly contrite and dedicated to repairing the relationship would understand the need for a little more transparency than might have been the previous norm.

Edited by theboss on Saturday 19th January 12:48

Sa Calobra

28,076 posts

150 months

Saturday 19th January
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That's the thing. I was through, done. It all started with a newborn bickering non stop and didn't stop.

No texting, no calls, no swipe right(?) etc.