Caught GF on POF.
Discussion
Me and my OH have been together for 7 years next month we live together and have a four year old daughter and a six month year old daughter.
The past six months since the birth of our second child things have been very rocky between us up until that point it was just like a normal relationship I didn't get my dick wet as often as I would have liked but I did occasionally and I was happy.
Anyway about six weeks ago we had a huge argument she said that was it yada yada and told me to do one but instead I bought a card from the shop put all my thoughts and feelings into said card and left it on the table before I went to work the next day I thought that was that and we could move on and grow closer again like we used to be so I made the extra effort with her but got nothing back. Tried to initiate sex but was repeatedly rejected which cut deep.
About two weeks later she went out with friends on a belated birthday get together she was being flirtatious and sent me pics I said 'wait till I get my hands on you'. She looked at the message and never replied I waited up until about 1 in the morning and finally broke text her asking where she was and if she's alright she replied saying she was in town I said 'right ok' she immediately replied saying 'f
ked off' well considering you ignored me and went clubbing yes I was. Anyway she got a taxi home shortly after me texting her and I thought we were going to have make up sex but again as usual she rejected me and said tomorrow night we can do it.
Tomorrow came around again I was rejected tried a couple of times after that again rejected so I stopped bothering and went back to basics with her to try and get to the root cause of her issue still didn't get anything back so we just carried on as always. I was seriously starting to think it was just me she didn't want anymore because she would flip out at me over the smallest things I asked numerous times if she is happy and does she want to carry on with the relationship she said yes every time.
Fast forward to this week on Monday she seems happy and joyful texting me throughout the day at work which I thought was odd.
That evening when she was in the bath (I know I shouldn't have) went on her phone and to my horror she had created a POF profile and was in conversation with other men. I immediately went into the bathroom to confront her and she denied it even though I had seen it with my own eyes I went back in the front and when she came in I told her I want to see the messages which weren't explicit flirting and to her defence she did say she was in a relationship but it was 'complicated' she then deleted her profile.
She then told me how sorry she is her reason for joining was just for some attention and to be understood which I can sort of understand as we have drifted apart due to stresses of life in recent months but I have tried my best after the big argument we had and just kept getting it thrown in my face.
That night we talked a lot about everything and she said she is 100% committed to me and doesnt want anyone else me finding out only made her realise how much she does love me etc. I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive to Whitby as I was still in shock.
Yesterday I didn't go to work and we talked some more and both agreed it was a massive mistake and to start a fresh.
She has hurt a lot of feelings.
Thoughts?
The past six months since the birth of our second child things have been very rocky between us up until that point it was just like a normal relationship I didn't get my dick wet as often as I would have liked but I did occasionally and I was happy.
Anyway about six weeks ago we had a huge argument she said that was it yada yada and told me to do one but instead I bought a card from the shop put all my thoughts and feelings into said card and left it on the table before I went to work the next day I thought that was that and we could move on and grow closer again like we used to be so I made the extra effort with her but got nothing back. Tried to initiate sex but was repeatedly rejected which cut deep.
About two weeks later she went out with friends on a belated birthday get together she was being flirtatious and sent me pics I said 'wait till I get my hands on you'. She looked at the message and never replied I waited up until about 1 in the morning and finally broke text her asking where she was and if she's alright she replied saying she was in town I said 'right ok' she immediately replied saying 'f
ked off' well considering you ignored me and went clubbing yes I was. Anyway she got a taxi home shortly after me texting her and I thought we were going to have make up sex but again as usual she rejected me and said tomorrow night we can do it.Tomorrow came around again I was rejected tried a couple of times after that again rejected so I stopped bothering and went back to basics with her to try and get to the root cause of her issue still didn't get anything back so we just carried on as always. I was seriously starting to think it was just me she didn't want anymore because she would flip out at me over the smallest things I asked numerous times if she is happy and does she want to carry on with the relationship she said yes every time.
Fast forward to this week on Monday she seems happy and joyful texting me throughout the day at work which I thought was odd.
That evening when she was in the bath (I know I shouldn't have) went on her phone and to my horror she had created a POF profile and was in conversation with other men. I immediately went into the bathroom to confront her and she denied it even though I had seen it with my own eyes I went back in the front and when she came in I told her I want to see the messages which weren't explicit flirting and to her defence she did say she was in a relationship but it was 'complicated' she then deleted her profile.
She then told me how sorry she is her reason for joining was just for some attention and to be understood which I can sort of understand as we have drifted apart due to stresses of life in recent months but I have tried my best after the big argument we had and just kept getting it thrown in my face.
That night we talked a lot about everything and she said she is 100% committed to me and doesnt want anyone else me finding out only made her realise how much she does love me etc. I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive to Whitby as I was still in shock.
Yesterday I didn't go to work and we talked some more and both agreed it was a massive mistake and to start a fresh.
She has hurt a lot of feelings.
Thoughts?
IMHO - If you're both committed to making it work then get some professional couples counselling rather than the help of us nutters.
It's normal for relationships to hit a rocky patch and getting some professional advice should give you the tools you need to recognise the things that are not right and make them good.
It's normal for relationships to hit a rocky patch and getting some professional advice should give you the tools you need to recognise the things that are not right and make them good.
Complicated one on both sides, and I have been on both sides of this in relationships in the past.
Only you really know when enough is enough, or when things are too far gone. You've both talked about it which is a start, and the fact she at least indicated herself as in a relationship on POF is a sign that she hasn't completely given up, so I think there is ample room here to try and rebuild things.
Only you really know when enough is enough, or when things are too far gone. You've both talked about it which is a start, and the fact she at least indicated herself as in a relationship on POF is a sign that she hasn't completely given up, so I think there is ample room here to try and rebuild things.
Ask her why she doesn't feel she is getting the attention from you. You say you've made an effort, how many times have you arranged a babysitter and taken her out for a meal since then? How many times have you bought her flowers? How many times have you filled and emptied the washing machine?
What exactly have you done to make an effort? She might be totally oblivious to any effort if you have effectively just carried on as before.
Sounds like you are only now talking. Something you should have done weeks ago.
And childcare, are you pulling your fair share?
Just asking, not having a go.
What exactly have you done to make an effort? She might be totally oblivious to any effort if you have effectively just carried on as before.
Sounds like you are only now talking. Something you should have done weeks ago.
And childcare, are you pulling your fair share?
Just asking, not having a go.
I admit I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world and I have taken her for granted.
Average day goes like this I go to work from 7 until (she is currently on maternity) she stays home all day looks after the kids cooks my tea for when I get in I eat go in the kitchen wash all the pots get the kids to bed and we both chill out then usually in separate rooms.
I asked if she was glad she had been caught out she said yes and is extremely apologetic she knows how much it has hurt me and has told me it was just to talk not for sex etc but I have no doubt that is where it would have ended if I hadn't had caught it so early or am I being paranoid?
I just think she joined seeing if she could get someone better than me?
I tried and tried to with her and kept asking as soon as I knew there was a problem after tha first big argument but she just kept on telling me everything is fine and then goes and joins plenty of fish behind my back.
Average day goes like this I go to work from 7 until (she is currently on maternity) she stays home all day looks after the kids cooks my tea for when I get in I eat go in the kitchen wash all the pots get the kids to bed and we both chill out then usually in separate rooms.
I asked if she was glad she had been caught out she said yes and is extremely apologetic she knows how much it has hurt me and has told me it was just to talk not for sex etc but I have no doubt that is where it would have ended if I hadn't had caught it so early or am I being paranoid?
I just think she joined seeing if she could get someone better than me?
I tried and tried to with her and kept asking as soon as I knew there was a problem after tha first big argument but she just kept on telling me everything is fine and then goes and joins plenty of fish behind my back.
Be warned, this being PH & full of divorced powerfully built directors everyone will say "move on, its done, can't be recovered" etc etc. I think it can be, if you're talking that's a very good start. A lot of couples drift apart due to their inability to communicate, if you can communicate then you're halfway there, it stops issues bubbling under the surface.
Once upon a time I'd been with my girlfriend for 5yrs, I did something silly, she did something silly, and we broke up. We were apart for a few months, and both did more silly things. But the relationship did recover, and did work, to the point we're now married with a 6yr & 2yr. Arguments like this don't mean its the end, it just means things need working on, and communication is key to that.
Once upon a time I'd been with my girlfriend for 5yrs, I did something silly, she did something silly, and we broke up. We were apart for a few months, and both did more silly things. But the relationship did recover, and did work, to the point we're now married with a 6yr & 2yr. Arguments like this don't mean its the end, it just means things need working on, and communication is key to that.
She feels like you just see her as a mum.
Spend time with her in the evenings.
Organise nights/days out, just the two of you.
Cook the dinners at weekends
etc etc.
POF would have given her the opportunity to feel wanted again as a woman, not as a mum.
However, if you are unable to get past the fact she did it and will want to keep checking her phone....then it wont work
Spend time with her in the evenings.
Organise nights/days out, just the two of you.
Cook the dinners at weekends
etc etc.
POF would have given her the opportunity to feel wanted again as a woman, not as a mum.
However, if you are unable to get past the fact she did it and will want to keep checking her phone....then it wont work
Total Drivin said:
I admit I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world and I have taken her for granted.
Average day goes like this I go to work from 7 until (she is currently on maternity) she stays home all day looks after the kids cooks my tea for when I get in I eat go in the kitchen wash all the pots get the kids to bed and we both chill out then usually in separate rooms.
So basically: Average day goes like this I go to work from 7 until (she is currently on maternity) she stays home all day looks after the kids cooks my tea for when I get in I eat go in the kitchen wash all the pots get the kids to bed and we both chill out then usually in separate rooms.
You go to work
She looks after the kids and cooks for you
you eat, wash up and then don't spend any time with each other
and then try it on in the evening when you are both finally together
sounds recoverable but you have both got to commit some time to each other!
Playing devils advocate here, but do you think your mrs would be happy if she checked your phone whilst you were having a show and found that you'd posted the whole ordeal on a car forum?
Not a nice position to be in, but I'd say that posting it on the internet isn't moving towards a solution. Talk, make changes, try and understand each other. I'd say 'chilling out in separate rooms' isn't really a great start!
Not a nice position to be in, but I'd say that posting it on the internet isn't moving towards a solution. Talk, make changes, try and understand each other. I'd say 'chilling out in separate rooms' isn't really a great start!
Thanks for the replies. I do feel it was a genuine mistake on her side she should have never done it but on the other hand I could of been a better partner.
I know she is remorseful and I am willing to forgive like I said we have stated a fresh and are trying to get that spark back we lost.
I do believe her when she says she loves me. This is a real wake up call for us both I think.
I hope things work out breaking up the family is the last thing in the world we both want.
I know she is remorseful and I am willing to forgive like I said we have stated a fresh and are trying to get that spark back we lost.
I do believe her when she says she loves me. This is a real wake up call for us both I think.
I hope things work out breaking up the family is the last thing in the world we both want.
Sounds like she's fed up with you not spending any time with her, and that you are only interested in her to have sex.
Yeah, its recoverable, but both of you are going to have to make some deep-rooted changes to your attitudes towards each other and your roles within the relationship. Only you can decide whether you want or can put the considerable effort required into it.
Like loads of people have said, make some time to spend with her with or without the kids (go on a trip to Whitby as a family, for example).
Don't keep pressuring for sex, that will just make her resent you even more. Wait for her to initiate it.
Yeah, its recoverable, but both of you are going to have to make some deep-rooted changes to your attitudes towards each other and your roles within the relationship. Only you can decide whether you want or can put the considerable effort required into it.
Like loads of people have said, make some time to spend with her with or without the kids (go on a trip to Whitby as a family, for example).
Don't keep pressuring for sex, that will just make her resent you even more. Wait for her to initiate it.
As others have said, you need to be spending more quality time together. My ex and I did exactly the same but left it far too long to get sorted. By the time we talked it was over and we were both in agreement.
The fact you're talking makes it sound like you can recover from this, but it will take hard work from you both to break the habits you've got into. Hopefully this doesn't sound hypocritical, more a case of hindsight is wonderful and wish I'd realised this a lot earlier. I don't want my ex back now, but if you'd told me 7 or 8 years ago that this is where we'd end up, then I'd have made all the changes needed to make sure it didn't happen.
She hasn't cheated, and I don't necessarily think you can assume she would have done if you hadn't found about the POF profile now. There are plenty of people that use dating sites just to feel wanted again, will text chat and revel in being flirted with, but as soon as somebody pushes for an actual meet they disappear. Commonly assumed this is because these people are married but unhappy.
Start sitting together in the evenings, go to bed at the same time, book childcare for nights out, you need to enjoy each others company again and most importantly keep talking honestly. Good luck!
The fact you're talking makes it sound like you can recover from this, but it will take hard work from you both to break the habits you've got into. Hopefully this doesn't sound hypocritical, more a case of hindsight is wonderful and wish I'd realised this a lot earlier. I don't want my ex back now, but if you'd told me 7 or 8 years ago that this is where we'd end up, then I'd have made all the changes needed to make sure it didn't happen.
She hasn't cheated, and I don't necessarily think you can assume she would have done if you hadn't found about the POF profile now. There are plenty of people that use dating sites just to feel wanted again, will text chat and revel in being flirted with, but as soon as somebody pushes for an actual meet they disappear. Commonly assumed this is because these people are married but unhappy.
Start sitting together in the evenings, go to bed at the same time, book childcare for nights out, you need to enjoy each others company again and most importantly keep talking honestly. Good luck!
I was in this situation many moons ago. Long term mrs all great went on holiday fantastic, came home she was a ice queen. I did as you did looked at her phone and spotted nudes to a guy at her work. Packed up my things walked out and went. I went back a few hours later as I owed her some cash and wanted to do the right thing. Ended up talking and she rang him saying work only that's it I want to be with me blah blah blah and was fine. 3 weeks later i was away drove 14hours home and then straight to hers to congratulate her on her new job & got sat down to say its over. Found out she never stopped messaging him etc.
I can also say I was on the other side. 7 years unhappy went on dating apps and thought i'd test the market, said i was unhappy in relationship etc had a few meetings etc. In the end it was a sign to get out of the relationship as my eyes where opened and couldn't be happy any longer and best thing I ever did. Eventually met my wife and learnt so much from the past.
I can also say I was on the other side. 7 years unhappy went on dating apps and thought i'd test the market, said i was unhappy in relationship etc had a few meetings etc. In the end it was a sign to get out of the relationship as my eyes where opened and couldn't be happy any longer and best thing I ever did. Eventually met my wife and learnt so much from the past.
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