Marriage - or not?

Author
Discussion

davek_964

Original Poster:

8,796 posts

174 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Although I like the idea of living happily ever after - I am also aware that by signing a bit of paper, I'm giving 50% of my assets to somebody I've known a couple of years. And whilst not rich - I'm happier with all my assets than half of them. Obviously that's only a concern if you don't live happily ever after.

I know that you're supposed to be so in love that all you can see is visions of skipping through meadows hand in hand, but...... I'm curious about opinions. Am I just a selfish git?

Also, I'm curious about timescales. Apparently, at my age (~50) there is a deadline for how long you're allowed to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" rather than fiance?

vixen1700

22,668 posts

269 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Sounds like you've got some concerns about getting married.

That's not a good way to go into it, so I reckon marriage may not be for you. smile

randlemarcus

13,507 posts

230 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Not keen to get bitten twice, but after 12 years, if it makes her happy...
Am being very clear on trustee instructions and wills etc, and you take the risk of divorce.

davek_964

Original Poster:

8,796 posts

174 months

Monday 9th December 2019
quotequote all
randlemarcus said:
...if it makes her happy...
That does seem to be the crux

Cold

15,207 posts

89 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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davek_964 said:
randlemarcus said:
...if it makes her happy...
That does seem to be the crux
Shouldn't marriage be more balanced than that?

geeks

9,121 posts

138 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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I am happily married for what it's worth (a rare thing on PH it seems sometimes) while it made very little difference to my day to day it was a superb day and honeymoon and my car insurance went down hehe

Jasandjules

69,825 posts

228 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Do you want to be with this person? Have kids?

cmvtec

2,188 posts

80 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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I have a huge problem with people continually asking me about marriage and children - I want neither. I'm currently single and "co-parenting" a whippet.

davek_964

Original Poster:

8,796 posts

174 months

Monday 9th December 2019
quotequote all
Jasandjules said:
Do you want to be with this person? Have kids?
Kids aren't an issue - she has two adult (early 20s) ones, I don't have any and don't want any. Although they are a bit of an issue, since one of them moved home since we started dating.

Yes, I want to be with her - but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married. However, it seems my decision time is up.

GOATever

2,651 posts

66 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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It’s not for me, I’ve never really considered it. Some people like that sort of thing. Fair enough.

av185

18,433 posts

126 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Knowing several good friends who have been royally shafted, some several times, and having been divorced once myself, I would always advise only going down the 'bag for life' route by getting married if your partner has similar assets ££ to yourself.

Gameface

16,565 posts

76 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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I'll never do it. It's not conducive to my lifestyle. My missus knows that. If she changes her mind, she knows she's welcome to look elsewhere.

Mazda3_Nuts

1,487 posts

106 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Been with my partner for 12+ years now and have a mortgage and a 6 month old together and I still don't want to get married. Just not for me.

Cotty

39,389 posts

283 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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davek_964 said:
Yes, I want to be with her - but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married. However, it seems my decision time is up.
You think she will leave you if you don't get married, doesn't sound very committed to you in that case.

acme

2,971 posts

197 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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Hopefully this can be a balanced & reasoned debate about a difficult topic. In essence I would feel the need to discuss this in a mature, sensible & logical manner with the lady in question, but of course we’re dealing with emotions of which rarely results in a logical conclusion.

The real problem are the vagaries of humans. Few start out in any relationship with the intention of it going wrong, the odds are stacked against. Unless you’re very unusual at your age you’re unlikely not to have had a significant relationship go wrong, & then see the consequences. Only you can decide if you’re willing to risk the financial element.

Fastchas

2,640 posts

120 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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I got married in 2008 after saying it didn't interest me. Happy to do it in the end and thought I was with her for life.

Divorced in 2012.

Now with another lady who keeps making noises about getting married (we met in 2012/13). I have told her it's not important to me. We have bought a house together, why get a piece of paper to make it 'official'?
I think she just wants a party though TBH. I'm not happy to spend £5k on one though!

davek_964

Original Poster:

8,796 posts

174 months

Monday 9th December 2019
quotequote all
Cotty said:
davek_964 said:
Yes, I want to be with her - but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married. However, it seems my decision time is up.
You think she will leave you if you don't get married, doesn't sound very committed to you in that case.
I think that's subjective. Her view is exactly the opposite actually - if I was committed to her, we would be engaged.

Jasandjules

69,825 posts

228 months

Monday 9th December 2019
quotequote all
davek_964 said:
Yes, I want to be with her - but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to get married. However, it seems my decision time is up.
Why? Has she said if you won't propose you are finished? Does she have her own job? (just wondering about pensions)

StevieBee

12,795 posts

254 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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If you're with the right person, none of the concerns you've listed will matter a jot.

If you enter into marriage with the weight of preserving your material and financial wealth hanging over you, then its unlikely your marriage would survive.

As with many things in life, if the decision is 'light' it's 'right'.

Many marriages do end in divorce but the trick is to get married on the assumption that yours won't.

Robertj21a

16,475 posts

104 months

Monday 9th December 2019
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No need to be married these days, and little point really. Far too many downsides for the guys when, after a few years, the female decides she wants someone different. Everyone thinks that they are blissfully happy and it couldn't happen to them...........but it does.
Just weigh up all the benefits (probably rather few) against all the likely problems after a while (probably rather a lot) and you should have a clear answer.