Marriage - or not?

Author
Discussion

Lemming Train

5,567 posts

71 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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davek_964 said:
Dixy said:
Why is it so important to her.
Because it means commitment. Because it means that she is not just another in a string of ex's that went nowhere. Because it means that I am declaring that she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and that she is "off limits".
What a load of old bks ! rofl

You can "declare" to her whatever you want but it doesn't mean st. All this "commitment" nonsense only lasts until the day she gets bored or tired of your irritating ways and/or starts receiving attention from someone else, then you're toast and she clears up with half of your wealth.

There's 2 types of marriage for men :

1. the marriage that they don't care for but are pressured into it by the OH.
2. the marriage that they instigate themselves because they are insecure wimps and have some deluded belief that getting married will 'secure' her as their own for their rest of their life, preventing her from leaving them or cheating. jester

42% divorce rate + a huge number of married couples living a lie, hating each other's guts but "we're only still together for the children" + all the OAPs that like to tell you they've been married for 50 years but the truth of the matter is that they can't stand the sight of each other wobble .

Coolbanana

4,382 posts

199 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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I was happily single until 34, then got married. I learnt I preferred being in a committed partnership with someone.

It is her 2nd marriage. She has form then for leaving someone. I am not in the slightest bit concerned in my case. I truly believe she loves me.

But...I don't have the assets split issue most have, simply because she has always earned at least double my income, being very ambitious and successful in her career. She paid for 70% of our home, we have no kids together and my two step kids have left home now, no debts and in the event of a divorce, the very least I'd walk away with is what I brought in.

I work at most 1-2 hrs a day from home, allowing me to spend my days doing what I enjoy, cycle training for racing, photography, walks etc. She still works fulltime but plans to 'retire' in 2 years or so. Thereafter, run her own small business that she is currently setting up on the side.

So yeah, marriage is wonderful. biggrin

toon10

6,140 posts

156 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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markymarkthree said:
We had both been married before and both of us had kids so one of the first things I did was have the snip. We weren't planning on getting married until someone said you will lose "death in service" and pension benefits if you dont. She is a nurse (NHS) and I was a postman so we were/are due a good pension. My believe was that if one of us popped our clogs the other one would get zilch. So we got married to protect our pensions. We have never celebrated it and genuinely we don't know the date, there is bit of paper somewhere but 23 years together seems to work ok. Cost of wedding less than £500.

I even spent £3 on a ribbon.
Why do you lose death in service? We are not married but have wills, life insurance and death in service sorted out. Hers is just a portal you log into and specify who is the recipient. Mine was a form to HR specifying the recipient. We're more than covered if one of us should meet an untimely end. The only thing I'm not sure on is the pension side of things but neither of us are relying on each other for a pension so I'm not worried.

bucksmanuk

2,311 posts

169 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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We’ll see what happens on the 6th Jan ‘20
https://www.standard.co.uk/lifestyle/divorce-day-2...
I’ve seen mates get divorced, and some of the exes have come out of it rather well. I’ve never seen a bloke come out of it well.
One has just got divorced after 22 years of marriage this year. Its only the fact the late teenage children want to live with him that’s he’s escaped a proper reaming. He’s still had to raise nearly £200K to buy her out of the house.
As above, comparable income/career/life goals seem to be a key for success. If you are earning over twice what your wife earns, and especially if your wife is part time or a stay at home mum, then it’s a big hit.
I consulted a family law solicitor on my legal standing before kicking out an ex-partner (just in case) and she said if more men took legal advice before they got married, she would be out of work, as most of them wouldn't actually get married!

edthefed

698 posts

66 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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Some public sector pension schemes have restrictions on who benefits at time of death.

The scheme we were both in stated death benefit was payable to marital partner when we joined it.

Over the years there have been options to change it to a nominated partner BUT this was always accompanied by having to pay more in contributions, for a longer period to receive less in benefit.

So we both stuck to the original pension conditions. After 12 years together and having bought a house in joint names we got married just before i retired to ensure pension rights were maintained

Four Litre

2,013 posts

191 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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All very personal IMHO. If you don't trust her then don't be with her in my book. Also look at the parents as to a good indication of how she thinks and will turn out. If they are divorced, I really think your odds are up on her doing the same later in life as its deemed as more acceptable and her mum will probably encourage it.

I've been married for 15 years, together for 20 and in all honestly I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't married her. Will we split up in years to come, who knows, but I like to doubt we will. If we do I'm giving her half and spending mine travelling the world.

I may look back on this thread and regret saying that!!

hyphen

26,262 posts

89 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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Cotty said:
Never understood that why should she be kept 'in the lifestyle she is accustomed to'. The guy is not being kept 'in the lifestyle he is accustomed to'.
I think the laws are from when women didn't work and were reliant on the man for their income.

They need revising, but unfortunately haven't- as the men who lead the judiciary and leading male Politicians are too scared to change them, as their wives may get upset and divorce them; taking all their cash wink

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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Main purpose of Marriage these days is to protect the state from the costs of man walking away from his kids. If the man walks without consequence, then the cost shifts to the state to some extent. Family court is designed direct resources to the primary carer.

Hence massive pressure for parents to marry and subtle penalties for raising kids without marriage. It's a delicate game but the state desperately wants all parents to be married.

"Relationship breakdown costs the economy an estimated £47 billion a year"

Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 11th December 12:55

xjay1337

15,966 posts

117 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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WestyCarl said:
OK, to add some balance (and get flamed by the cynical biggrin)

I got married after knowing her for 4yrs. I did it the old fashioned way, never lived together, got married, wnet on honeymoon and the day we returned moved into a rented place together. Frankly it was the most exiting period of my life

My view was you have to go "all in", no half measures of co-habiting, co-parenting, pre-nups (not that I had anything back then), etc.

Thankfully we're still together tongue out otherwise no doubt I'd have a different view.............
I genuinely don't know what convinces someone to not at least live with your partner for a time period before you get married!

There are many things you do not realise when you are just dating / staying over odd nights.
Things like do they do the washing up straight away or leave it for hours? Do they leave the living room light on all day? Etc. These are all small things but things which matter!


On the marriage topic, I don't personally want to get married, I don't understand what it brings, other than a bit of paper to say you are married.
If you want it that much, have a faux ceremony and change your name by deepol or whatever.
It doesn't help as well that many women want marriage so much more than men. Men go ahead to appease.
Then other women get invited to said wedding, start feeling left out, they want their fairytale day too.

Circle continues.

It's not for me.



Edited by xjay1337 on Wednesday 11th December 11:46

Cold

15,207 posts

89 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
The problem with her being the richer person in the marriage is that she'll be able to afford a better solicitor than you.

Thales

619 posts

56 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
Lemming Train said:
What a load of old bks ! rofl

You can "declare" to her whatever you want but it doesn't mean st. All this "commitment" nonsense only lasts until the day she gets bored or tired of your irritating ways and/or starts receiving attention from someone else, then you're toast and she clears up with half of your wealth.

There's 2 types of marriage for men :

1. the marriage that they don't care for but are pressured into it by the OH.
2. the marriage that they instigate themselves because they are insecure wimps and have some deluded belief that getting married will 'secure' her as their own for their rest of their life, preventing her from leaving them or cheating. jester

42% divorce rate + a huge number of married couples living a lie, hating each other's guts but "we're only still together for the children" + all the OAPs that like to tell you they've been married for 50 years but the truth of the matter is that they can't stand the sight of each other wobble .
Spot on. Marriage is a mug's game.

markymarkthree

2,236 posts

170 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
toon10 said:
Why do you lose death in service? We are not married but have wills, life insurance and death in service sorted out. Hers is just a portal you log into and specify who is the recipient. Mine was a form to HR specifying the recipient. We're more than covered if one of us should meet an untimely end. The only thing I'm not sure on is the pension side of things but neither of us are relying on each other for a pension so I'm not worried.
I/we were concerned that as we weren't married and if either one of us passed on before getting a pension, the remaining person wouldn't be entitled to any part of a lump sum due and also any part of a future pension. As it stands at the moment, if I go my wife will now get half of my pension, if we weren't married I believe she wouldn't get a bean. If she goes as we are married I believe I am entitled to part of her lump sum and a pension, she is still working.
There is a possibility that things have changed from when we got married 15+ ish years ago, also I may have got all my facts wrong. The will thing may have covered this but we didn't think of that or even do a will till about 10 years ago.
Not sure if that answers you.

Coolbanana

4,382 posts

199 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
Cold said:
The problem with her being the richer person in the marriage is that she'll be able to afford a better solicitor than you.
If the blokes own income was pathetic, yes. If it isn't, then no.

In my case, I have not made a Will as yet. My wife has...gave me a copy, it leaves all to me and then to be passed on to her kids when I go.

In the event of a divorce, I wouldn't contest living in our house or want to try and buy her out, we simply divide our apartment assets according to what we believe is fair taking into account the house value split and I move into one while I decide what to do next.

It's not something I've not prepared for - I'm pragmatic about it even if I believe it unlikely. My father is on marriage No.6 and has never lost much on any of them relative to his wealth. The worst case was he purchased an apartment for wife No. 2 and he is still great friends with her today, paying for her to join him and wife No.6 on holidays etc. Oh, yeah, he has definitely 'won' in the marriage game when it comes to divorce terms. None of this 50/50 split malarkey or worse. At most a small pay-out. So can be done. Just plan properly.

maxdb

1,533 posts

156 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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I've decided marriage is not for me and have no plans to ever get married. I don't see any benefit of getting married plus oddly I hate the idea of having rings on my fingers as hate the feel of them frown

23rdian

387 posts

162 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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Frank7 said:
Targarama said:
Wish my ex had asked me this....

Still going to cost me a fair few bob to get out, she even suggested paying her debts was normal marital expenditure and shouldn't be considered in Form E. Nice of her. Oh and please include all my pensions from before we met. Meanwhile she doesn't even chase the father of her daughter for maintenance (he was before my time). Snakes with t1ts.
If that’s really how you feel about women, I suggest that you
Google “Monasteries, and how to learn to love them”
You don't need to though - that's the point. Enjoy their company while it's good. Just act defensively with regards to legal contracts.

toon10

6,140 posts

156 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
markymarkthree said:
I/we were concerned that as we weren't married and if either one of us passed on before getting a pension, the remaining person wouldn't be entitled to any part of a lump sum due and also any part of a future pension. As it stands at the moment, if I go my wife will now get half of my pension, if we weren't married I believe she wouldn't get a bean. If she goes as we are married I believe I am entitled to part of her lump sum and a pension, she is still working.
There is a possibility that things have changed from when we got married 15+ ish years ago, also I may have got all my facts wrong. The will thing may have covered this but we didn't think of that or even do a will till about 10 years ago.
Not sure if that answers you.
I'm certainly no expert. Again, the pension side of things I don't really know about. We both have our own pensions and haven't factored that into any future plans. The death in service comes from our respective employers. It was quite easy to specify who gets the entitlement married or not. I earn a fair bit more than she does however this is a bone of contention as my company only offers 4 x my salary. Hers offers 10 x!

We're both protected. If we split up we have a legal agreement in place (as I put 90% of the deposit down on our house). Alternatively, if one of us dies then we both have death in service and both have life insurance. The mortgage is paid and a large lump sum will be paid on top regardless. As we have a child together we both wanted some protection in place. I also have a son to another woman and I want him to receive some of my estate hence the will.

Were both very open with each other and are fully aware of what's in our wills, etc. I'm sure it's a bit more clear cut and easier under marriage law but for me, putting a little bit of planning into being unmarried goes a long way.

TwigtheWonderkid

43,246 posts

149 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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maxdb said:
I've decided marriage is not for me and have no plans to ever get married. I don't see any benefit of getting married plus oddly I hate the idea of having rings on my fingers as hate the feel of them frown
I've been married 32 years and don't have a ring. Parties, rings, white dresses, limos etc are not compulsory. I think it costs under £100 to actually get married. That's all you HAVE to spend.

My wedding cost £300 in all. Register office, new dress for the bride, borrowed a nice car with driver, sandwiches and some booze back at our flat. I could have brought it in for around £250 but wtf, it's a special day, so spend spend spend.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
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In a bar, after a few drinks and small talk:

Him: So, are you married?
Her: No, just partners.
Him: Oh, cool. Why not married?
Her: Oh, we're not bothered by that sort of thing... (shuffles uncomfortably)
Him: Oh well, that wouldn't work for me...
Her: Why not?
Him: (looks at floor, sighs, lifts head and looks directly into her eyes) If woman as beautiful as you were mine, I'd make sure she knew I was committed to her for life.
Her: 'mumbles'
Him: Can I buy you a drink...?
Her: (slightly flushed) I need to be home by 2am!
Him: 'Taxi'

Women, most, but not all, think differently about things. I've seen the above scenario work too may times. thumbup

Thales

619 posts

56 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
jshell said:
In a bar, after a few drinks and small talk:

Him: So, are you married?
Her: No, just partners.
Him: Oh, cool. Why not married?
Her: Oh, we're not bothered by that sort of thing... (shuffles uncomfortably)
Him: Oh well, that wouldn't work for me...
Her: Why not?
Him: (looks at floor, sighs, lifts head and looks directly into her eyes) If woman as beautiful as you were mine, I'd make sure she knew I was committed to her for life.
Her: 'mumbles'
Him: Can I buy you a drink...?
Her: (slightly flushed) I need to be home by 2am!
Him: 'Taxi'

Women, most, but not all, think differently about things. I've seen the above scenario work too may times. thumbup
This reads like one of those neck beard fedora posts.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Wednesday 11th December 2019
quotequote all
Thales said:
jshell said:
In a bar, after a few drinks and small talk:

Him: So, are you married?
Her: No, just partners.
Him: Oh, cool. Why not married?
Her: Oh, we're not bothered by that sort of thing... (shuffles uncomfortably)
Him: Oh well, that wouldn't work for me...
Her: Why not?
Him: (looks at floor, sighs, lifts head and looks directly into her eyes) If woman as beautiful as you were mine, I'd make sure she knew I was committed to her for life.
Her: 'mumbles'
Him: Can I buy you a drink...?
Her: (slightly flushed) I need to be home by 2am!
Him: 'Taxi'

Women, most, but not all, think differently about things. I've seen the above scenario work too may times. thumbup
This reads like one of those neck beard fedora posts.
It does, but some of those llines are successful, like it or not. There are pick-up artists around everywhere and I'm just pointing out that some women have a different thought process towards marriage, even when they say they haven't.

Would you risk it?