Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[Skyedriver]

funkyrobot said:

Vol 10!

fk me.

No thank you.

[Doofus]

V6 Pushfit said:

When Stephen Hawking had his first date he came back with his glasses smashed, a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up

[glenrobbo]

Doofus said:

ian in lancs said:

Will this thread be dedicated to tennish jokes?

Nope. Puns.

I fear you may be correct, Doofush.

I am both shaken and shtirred at the proshpect.

[nonsequitur]

glenrobbo said:

I fear you may be correct, Doofush.

I am both shaken and shtirred at the proshpect.

Ah, Mr. Bond we have not been expecting you.

Welcome to page number two
Already there is a to-do
will it be jokes
or a pun we can coax
from the PH hilarious crew.

[Amused2death]

I tried to sign up to a website the other day.

I put my password as "BeefStew" but it said password wasn't stroganoff.

[Monkeylegend]

I put mine in as 7days but it said it was weak.

[anonymous-user]

I put mine in as 24flowers but it wants me to change it dahlia.

[Robbo 27]

I went to Glastonbury but after a couple of hours of nighttime noisy camping I had had enough, I started running off.

"I have had enough, I am running away"

There came the reply:

"No you're not, you ran away because you are passed intents".

[Nimby]

I couldn't have user name "usalreadye" as it was already in use.

[GloverMart]

Just chatting to my local policeman about crime in the area.

He said there was a bloke arrested in my local High Street last night for singing Elton John songs very badly and may go to jail!

He continued "I don't know how long he'll get but I think it's gonna be a long, long time!"

[anonymous-user]

My first job was in a bank. An old lady cane up to me and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

[anonymous-user]

I’ve made up several jokes about benefits scroungers and the unemployed.

But none of them work.

[Laurel Green]

I say, I say, I say

My wife caught a cold in the Gulf

Qatar?

Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks.

[KrazyIvan]

Amused2death said:

I tried to sign up to a website the other day.

I put my password as "BeefStew" but it said password wasn't stroganoff.

[anonymous-user]

Nimby said:

I couldn't have user name "usalreadye" as it was already in use.

I tried to use BNAG as a password but got told it was bang out of order.

[Caruso]

It said my password had to be a mixture of letters and numbers and be something memorable...but then it wouldn't let me use "threesome".

[Mammasaid]

I set my password as Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs as it asked for 8 characters.

[anonymous-user]

Mammasaid said:

I set my password as Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs as it asked for 8 characters.

[SCEtoAUX]

She's only a Russian stringed instrument, balalaika.

[anonymous-user]

Went to the sperm bank yesterday - the nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

I said I might be pretty good at it but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.