Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)
Discussion
CourtAgain said:
Porsche guy said:
K12beano said:
grumpy52 said:
During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .
Cycle, Shirley?Going for a spin later .
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his **** out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'
I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his **** out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat,
“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”
”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
”Because” replied the big cat,
“I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”
Regarding the Jaguar, reminds of the alternative version of 'The Wizard of Oz.'
On asking a stranger the way to the Emerald City Dorothy was just told to tag along with a easily recognised amphibian.
She asked for more details, sand was given the same answer
Eventually after several attenpts, the stranger relented and said
OK one clue
Follow the yellow pricked Toad
On asking a stranger the way to the Emerald City Dorothy was just told to tag along with a easily recognised amphibian.
She asked for more details, sand was given the same answer
Eventually after several attenpts, the stranger relented and said
OK one clue
Follow the yellow pricked Toad
K12beano said:
nonsequitur said:
GloverMart said:
I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.
It caused a twenty minute jam.
Police believe it may have been orchestrated.
It caused a twenty minute jam.
Police believe it may have been orchestrated.
...Playing a selection of Cars tracks no doubt.Parkette said:
K12beano said:
nonsequitur said:
GloverMart said:
I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.
It caused a twenty minute jam.
Police believe it may have been orchestrated.
It caused a twenty minute jam.
Police believe it may have been orchestrated.
...Playing a selection of Cars tracks no doubt.
louiebaby said:
john2443 said:
A bloke in the pub tried to sell me an incubator and what he said were giant lizard eggs - they looked like ordinary stones to me.
I told him they're rocks an' you don't have to put on the red light.
T'was a Sting by the animal import inspectors.I told him they're rocks an' you don't have to put on the red light.
A (probably apocryphal) story of the Buccaneer pilot, taking a stroll on the High Street one Saturday back in the 70s...
He’s approached by a CND campaigner, who asks, “What will you do, when the bomb drops?”
To which he replies, “I’ll retrim, close the bomb bay and bugger off in the opposite direction, sharpish!”
He’s approached by a CND campaigner, who asks, “What will you do, when the bomb drops?”
To which he replies, “I’ll retrim, close the bomb bay and bugger off in the opposite direction, sharpish!”
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