Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[anonymous-user]

V8mate said:

S6PNJ said:

TOOLS EXPLAINED

6/10

Not enough personal injury.

Most tools are designed to cause grievous harm to the user long before they achieve anything useful

9/10 here. Only dropped one due to the term ‘refund checks’ so obviously nicked from the USA where they do all of this in sunshine not horizontal rain

[Halmyre]

Laurel Green said:

Tesla Launches Turf Driven Car.

Peat, not turf. Or is turf-burning a thing?

[bobtail4x4]

The Oirish call it turf

[K12beano]

bobtail4x4 said:

The Oirish call it turf

...there's no accounting....

[GOATever]

What’s the best thing about shagging twenty eight year olds? There’s twenty of them

[GloverMart]

An Irishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman were captured by terrorists and told they were going to be shot dead.

They were each granted a last wish.

The Irishman said he’d like to watch a recording of ‘Riverdance’ one last time.

The Scot said he’d like to go out listening to a recording of pipers playing ‘Flower of Scotland’.

The Welshman said the sound of a Welsh male voice choir singing ‘Myfanwy’ would send him to his grave a happy man.

The Englishman said: “I’d like to be shot first”

[Halmyre]

GloverMart said:

An Irishman, a Scot, a Welshman and an Englishman were captured by terrorists and told they were going to be shot dead.

They were each granted a last wish.

The Irishman said he’d like to watch a recording of ‘Riverdance’ one last time.

The Scot said he’d like to go out listening to a recording of pipers playing ‘Flower of Scotland’.

The Welshman said the sound of a Welsh male voice choir singing ‘Myfanwy’ would send him to his grave a happy man.

The Englishman said: “I’d like to be shot first”

The terrorist said "Oh, thanks for that, I thought you were going to ask to hear 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot'".

[grumpy52]

I left the pub late and much the worst for wear .
At the bottom of the stairs I removed my clothes and folded them neatly on my shoes
Then the driver threw me off the Bus .

[Down and out]

Stuck five hundred quid on Moonlight, Good times and Sunshine today, lost the bloody lot.

I blame it on the bookie.

[Doofus]

Two dogs in the park. Rover says "Tell me a joke."
"OK", says Fido, "Knock knock"
Rover says "BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!"

[S6PNJ]

[glenrobbo]

GOATever said:

What’s the best thing about shagging twenty eight year olds? There’s twenty of them

Ooooooooooooooh!



Did Jim fix it for you?

/Operation Yewtree personnel please remuster ASAP.

[Vipers]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a typo."

[paua]

glenrobbo said:

GOATever said:

What’s the best thing about shagging twenty eight year olds? There’s twenty of them

Ooooooooooooooh!



Did Jim fix it for you?

/Operation Yewtree personnel please remuster ASAP.

He's a glam rocker called Gary?

[Vipers]

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, Im’e a carrier.

[Doofus]

Vipers said:

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, Im’e a carrier.

I'm. I am.

[paua]

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, Im’e a carrier.

I'm. I am.

He's got a huge blishter on hish lip & can't shpeak properly.

[Vipers]

Doofus said:

I'm. I am.

I'm. I am, you iz I iz, spilling never was my good point, but think you anyway.

[glenrobbo]

Im'e 'enery the heighth hi ham?

[Evangelion]

He'll be feeling even flatter now!