Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[SeeFive]

glenrobbo said:

. That's rather puzzling!

Fi and chit? Chicken and chit? Porshun o chit on it own?

Sor finger? U wan sor finger on ur chit?

[anonymous-user]

SeeFive said:

Fi and chit? Chicken and chit? Porshun o chit on it own?

Sor finger? U wan sor finger on ur chit?

No thank you, I would sooner run with just a bit of swarfega. Do you have lice? Either that or fly chin ?

[K12beano]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, I'm a carrier.

Aircraft or pigeon?

Royal Navy Aircraft carrier, common joke in the navy, hence I said a few will get it.

So not a Hermes delivery carrier pigeon, then Vipers?

I suppose Hermes have parrots for that?

I find this all most confusing. Luckily - and despite them saying you can't teach an old news dog tricks - I looked it up on a new-fangled-super-smart-telepgraphy thingy and

worldwidewebbything said:

Hermes was the ancient Greek god of trade, wealth, luck, fertility, animal husbandry, sleep, language, thieves, and travel. One of the cleverest and most mischievous of the Olympian gods, he was the patron of shepherds, invented the lyre, and was, above all, the herald and messenger of Mt. Olympus so that he came to symbolise the crossing of boundaries in his role as a guide between the two realms of gods and humanity. To the Romans, the god was known as Vipers

I am glad I looked.

[motco]

Wasn't Hermes also known as Mercury?

[Halmyre]

motco said:

Wasn't Hermes also known as Mercury?

Yes, they're the same.

Mercury - Roman
Hermes - Greek

[glenrobbo]

Halmyre said:

Yes, they're the same.

Mercury - Roman
Hermes - Greek

Herpes - Vipers

[glenrobbo]

SeeFive said:

glenrobbo said:

. That's rather puzzling!

Fi and chit? Chicken and chit? Porshun o chit on it own?

Sor finger? U wan sor finger on ur chit?

Yeah, bu yu wan solvin ah wew?

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, I'm a carrier.

Aircraft or pigeon?

Royal Navy Aircraft carrier, common joke in the navy, hence I said a few will get it.

So not a Hermes delivery carrier pigeon, then Vipers?

I suppose Hermes have parrots for that?

Correct not the delivery guys.

[soupdragon1]

SeeFive said:

glenrobbo said:

. That's rather puzzling!

Fi and chit? Chicken and chit? Porshun o chit on it own?

Sor finger? U wan sor finger on ur chit?

No thank you. But can I have some wed soss instead?

[LordGrover]

jeez

[Abbott]

Robbo 27 said:

Evangelion said:

I've been in the garage all afternoon, sticking sequins all over the Transit.

Well I always wanted a camper van.

Speaking of Ford Transits.

Went out with a new woman last week, I knew she was hot from the word go. On the way to the restaurant she said:

"Park the van, I want you now"

I said I wanted some chips but she was having none of it.

We got in the back and started and then she said,

"Hurt me, do it now"

I said,

"I dont think much of your shoes!

"No really hurt me, smack me,"

I smacked her arse a couple of times but it wasnt having the desired effect.

"Whip me, please whip me"

I looked in the back of the van, just a bucket and a sponge, didnt think that would do the job.

Then I had a brainwave, I reached outside, unscrewed the aerial and brought it in the back.

"Whats that for" she said.

"Well its not for Just a Minute" I said.

I rolled her over and laid into her arse, I took no mercy and it had more lines than Clapham Junction.

She bloody loved it.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she calls me

"The lines on my bum didnt heal, I have been to the doctors"

"What did they say?"

"He said it was the worse case of vanaerial disease he had ever seen"

Feeling a bit slow today had to read the punchline twice to get it

[anonymous-user]

Abbott said:

Feeling a bit slow today had to read the punchline twice to get it

Me too but I think he got a kick out of the very detailed run up to it...

[silverfoxcc]

Just seen that Hugh Zapritti-Boyden has been elected the new president of the Budgerigar Appreciation Society

Edited by silverfoxcc on Tuesday 25th February 12:13

[kowalski655]

SeeFive said:

glenrobbo said:

. That's rather puzzling!

Fi and chit? Chicken and chit? Porshun o chit on it own?

Sor finger? U wan sor finger on ur chit?

Sirry iriot

[Evangelion]

Not many people know this, but Benny Hill's 'Chinese waiter' sketch was a direct rip-off of one that Buddy Hackett did some years before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U5sZBG47kY

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Halmyre said:

Yes, they're the same.

Mercury - Roman
Hermes - Greek

Herpes - Vipers

he said he had "Hermes"

[GAjon]

Vipers said:

A few will get this one
——————————-
I’ve got hermes.

You mean herpes

No, Im’e a carrier.

From the same era.

What’s Spocks mum and the runway at Stanley got in common?



They’ve both been fked by Vulcans.

[DavieW]

silverfoxcc said:

Just seen that Hugh Zapritti-Boyden has been elected the new president of the Budgerigar Appreciation Society

Edited by silverfoxcc on Tuesday 25th February 12:13

[Caruso]

2 ducks flying over Northern Ireland, one says to the other "Quack."

The other says "I'm going as fast as I can."

[Ultra Sound Guy]

I need to get myself a new car, this one keeps taking me to work....