Finding my birth mother

[sniffenmydiffen]

slightly off topic, but I found my father (I was donor conceived) using various DNA sites. I also found (so far) 9 half siblings. I had no idea.

These siblings are just the ones that have decided to have a test; I'm expecting that there's an awful lot more in the wild -1980's non existent regulations on the number of donations! There's been some crazy studies about super donors fathering 500+ kids in the 80s in the UK. Really messing up the gene pool down the line probably. I suspect I'm one of hundreds too.

One of my half sisters did all the work. Looking at 2/3 cousin matches (with open family trees on paid for ancestry) and working back to narrow it down to 4 possible people until the father's half sister popped up confirming his identity. Fascinating process. Luck was on our side though. It all came together last year. My sister, 'E' had done the test many years ago and then boom, 9 siblings and an aunt pop up in 2019/20. I find it odd that we all decided to have a go at the DNA test around the same time for a bit of 'fun'.

I recommend 23andme and ancestry + free to submit databases like myheritage and gedmatch.

I don't have any contract with him and nor do want any - but found comfort 'knowing' who he was.

I have more interest in my half siblings, but only E has wanted to meet. They either don't understand the connection, don't want to know or don't believe it.

If you'd like any help with DNA stuff, feel free to reach out.

Edited by sniffenmydiffen on Tuesday 1st September 11:46

[sinbaddio]

I did this a few years ago I'd a;ways known I was adopted but was intrigued to find out about my ancestry.

I had all the relevant documentation and wrote a letter addressed to her at the address she had in 1972. I searched on 192.com and the same surname still lived there (her parents). Anyway, I got a letter back saying how pleased she was that things had worked out for me, she'd never had any more kids and hadn't married, although she'd been with the same chap for decades. She said she'd prefer to leave it at that, which is fine, I totally understand. She also sent me my original birth certificate - my middle name is the forename she'd given me. That got the waterworks going as I never knew that was the case.

Good luck OP. If you contact your local adoption agency (as I did) they will get you the relevant docs, and also provide with an element of counselling to assist in dealing with whatever the outcome may be.

[Tyre Smoke]

Last Visit said:

OpulentBob said:

Tyre Smoke said:

Unfortunately I was five years too late, she died in 2016. However, I have found out that despite growing up an only child, I actually have five brothers and sisters. Regrettably only two sisters want anything to do with me, but I'm very close to one. I also learned that I have NZ ancestry and have now got dual nationality thanks to my mother. I was never a secret and all my siblings were made aware that I was given up for adoption. My mum used my birthday as her bank card pin.

Oof, that put a lump in my throat.

Ditto. Just shows that no two adoption stories will be the same, so many variables to play out.

I'm not adopted but still have enjoyed (if that's the right word) reading this thread for the different perspectives.

Nice to read TyreSmoke that one sister has struck up a good relationship with you.

I've been to my mum's grave twice since I found out. No small trip since she's in Long Eaton cemetery and I live in Devon. I've also been to my grandfather's grave in Andover. There's a thread in the planes, trains section. He died in the Berlin Airlift. It's been a wonderful journey, not at all sad. Although of course I would have loved to meet up with my mother again, the reward of having two wonderful sisters (ok, half sisters) and all the history they can fill in for me has been amazing. I'm a Kiwi, my grandfather flew spies and supplies into occupied Europe, then went on the Berlin Airlift. Even if none of my siblings or my mother (had she been alive) wanted anything to do with me, the ancestry has been captivating.

Without wishing to derail the thread, a bit more of my story here...

https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&...

[CoupeKid]

SimonTheSailor said:

That's interesting. You say it like it's a stipulation that's made upon adoption ?

It is. We are supposed to exchange letters with the mother and half sibling once a year and to meet the full siblings at least three times a year. No photos to the mother or half sibling because reasons...

In reality that’s a minimum and my wife and the mothers of the full siblings have a WhatsApp group where they share news and videos regularly.

[wsn03]

I'm dumb struck reading some of the posts in this thread, and really sorry for all the people told their own family didn't want to know, man that's harsh - especially the one who's mother said the same.

I can talk from the experience of a good friend. His real family traced him. It was all very odd, very exciting, very weird.
But in the end he was disappointed. He always had some sort of fantasy about this amazing family, but the reality was something different.

They were different background to him, different class, different types of people. His words to me was "I only have one set of parents, the ones who raised me, I don't know anything else". While he maintained some sort of contact he tried to minimise it, for himself he felt they were the only ones getting anything out of it. To him they were just these strangers he didn't know.

Be open minded on what might happen OP, be prepared for anything.

Best of luck.

Edited by wsn03 on Thursday 3rd September 14:33

[Mark Benson]

wsn03 said:

I'm dumb struck reading some of the posts in this thread, and really sorry for all the people told their own family didn't want to know, man that's harsh - especially the one who's mother said the same.

I can talk from the experience of a good friend. His real family traced him. It was all very odd, very exciting, very weird.
But in the end he was disappointed. He always had some sort of fantasy about this amazing family, but the reality was something different.

They were different background to him, different class, different types of people. His words to me was "I only have one set of parents, the ones who raised me, I don't know anything else". While he maintained some sort of contact he tried to minimise it, for himself he felt they were the only ones getting anything out of it. To him they were just these strangers he didn't know.

Be open minded on what might happen OP, be prepared for anything.

Best of luck.

Edited by wsn03 on Thursday 3rd September 14:33

That mirrors my own experience. There is often a reason children are put up for adoption, sometimes it's benign, but often it isn't.
I was put up for adoption in 1970 in Manchester and raised in North Yorkshire.

When I was in my 20s, my birth mother attempted to contact me via the adoption agency, who contacted my parents. To their great credit they passed the information on, along with the warning that in their opinion this woman would not give up and some kind of managed meeting may be advisable.

I agreed to meet my birth mother and half-brother, it turned out we'd been living on the same page of the London A-Z (remember them?) for years. My half brother was one of the teens that used to hassle and intimidate my then girlfriend on the way home from the station.

We're no longer in touch......

[Petrus1983]

I’m watching this thread with interest. My grandfather was a Dr Barnados kid, left on the church steps as a newborn after an illegitimate relationship went awry. He felt fortunate he actually did find out who his parents were when the brother of his (somewhat famous) father was so outraged when he heard what had happened he traced him down to the orphanage and spent time with him. He was resilient and made no effort to persu that - he had a fascinating life and passed around a decade ago.

[PurpleTurtle]

Quattromaster said:

Reading with interest.

I’m adopted, parents told me when I was 10 yrs old, that was 40 yrs ago, they gave me all the paperwork, including a handwritten letter for my birth mother, wished them well and thanked them. (My birth mother writes the letter “S” in the same weird way I do, never seen anyone else write it that was before).

I was 6 weeks old , quite strange reading letters from adoption agency describing me, I had been called Guy Davis at the time.

I only ever really remember I’m adopted on my birthday, and when something like this thread pops up, I’ve been blessed with the most amazing parents, Dads sadly no longer with us, and a brother who is my best pal as well, they were told they couldn’t have kids, so adopted me, then Mum fell pregnant 3 yrs later, he is my brother, end of.

I hold no malice to my birth mother, she was 18, unmarried, it was 1969. Maybe she thinks of me, maybe she doesn’t.

What would you talk about, what would you call her, apart from her giving birth to me I feel we have no other connection, my Mum is the one who changed my nappy, put me through school, clipped my ear when I was a git, supported me when I needed it.

My wife and I don’t have children of our own, my brother thinks I’d be more inclined to find my birth mother if I had kids of my own, he has kids and says he can’t imagine what she went through when giving me up. Who knows.

Reading my post back, I can’t really see what I’m trying to say, but hey, it’s my story, I wish the OP and anyone else looking the best of luck, perhaps one day I will, just have to see.

Nice insight there, a similar story to my best pal. His birth mother was an 18yo girl who had an affair with her married boss in 1965, got pregnant, my pal was given up for adoption. Different times then. He has had a happy life with his adoptive parents and sister, also adopted.

When he was approaching 50 he traced his birth mother, writing to her to suggest a meeting. She replied somewhat curtly in the third person, that she was aware of his existence, "wished him well" but did not want to have anything to do with him. A bit more online digging turned up that she'd married in her 20's, had a family of her own, was now a grandmother, my pal was her secret that the rest of her 'new' family didn't know about.

He was upset by the rejection and took him a while to get over it, however some subsequent Facestalking of his half-siblings confirmed to him that he was well out of it, so he put the lid back on Pandora's Box and got on with his life.

[wsn03]

PurpleTurtle said:

Nice insight there, a similar story to my best pal. His birth mother was an 18yo girl who had an affair with her married boss in 1965, got pregnant, my pal was given up for adoption. Different times then. He has had a happy life with his adoptive parents and sister, also adopted.

When he was approaching 50 he traced his birth mother, writing to her to suggest a meeting. She replied somewhat curtly in the third person, that she was aware of his existence, "wished him well" but did not want to have anything to do with him. A bit more online digging turned up that she'd married in her 20's, had a family of her own, was now a grandmother, my pal was her secret that the rest of her 'new' family didn't know about.

He was upset by the rejection and took him a while to get over it, however some subsequent Facestalking of his half-siblings confirmed to him that he was well out of it, so he put the lid back on Pandora's Box and got on with his life.

I get some things, but a woman outright rejecting anything she grew inside her and gave birth to - I'm talking about years after the event, after the said baby has tracked down its Mum? I'm lost. My wife said she doesn't understand it, the maternal bond is just too strong. It's bloody shameful, but clearly in each case the child is better off without them.

Edited by wsn03 on Thursday 3rd September 19:02

[whitesocks]

PurpleTurtle said:

Nice insight there, a similar story to my best pal. His birth mother was an 18yo girl who had an affair with her married boss in 1965, got pregnant, my pal was given up for adoption. Different times then. He has had a happy life with his adoptive parents and sister, also adopted.

When he was approaching 50 he traced his birth mother, writing to her to suggest a meeting. She replied somewhat curtly in the third person, that she was aware of his existence, "wished him well" but did not want to have anything to do with him. A bit more online digging turned up that she'd married in her 20's, had a family of her own, was now a grandmother, my pal was her secret that the rest of her 'new' family didn't know about.

He was upset by the rejection and took him a while to get over it, however some subsequent Facestalking of his half-siblings confirmed to him that he was well out of it, so he put the lid back on Pandora's Box and got on with his life.

Well out of it because it looked like a dodgy family?

[PPEhero]

I have a copy of my adoption papers, they were easy enough to get hold of might be worth applying for them, it may give you abit of insight into your adoption.

My birth mother reckoned that her family refused to talk to her whilst she was pregnant with me as she was so young. They were going to chuck her out on the street if I wasn’t given up for adoption. Out of her 3 siblings only one talked to her during the pregnancy, her brother. She named me after him, my parents kept the name as my now middle name. I’m not sure I believe any of what she says though. And even if it is true, how a mother in this country can give up a child is beyond me.

I went into foster care in Settle with a lady called Freda, my parents often used to take me upto to see her until she died about 10 years back. There was littelry 100s of people at her funeral that she had fostered over the years, absolutely amazing lady.

Just remember if anyone does go the ‘finding birth parents route’ it’s nice to know the balls in your court now, you can drop them at anytime.

[selwonk]

I'm 48 now and traced my birth mother about 3 years ago. I'd mulled over doing anything about it for 17 years, immediately after my daughter was born, but in the end it was something I just had to do.

I got the paperwork from the GRO, signed up for Ancestry and met with a counselor at the Catholic adopton agency that handled the adoption case. It only took a short time to track my mother down; she still lives in the town where I was born.

We discussed next steps. Circa 1% of approaches result in some form of first contact, according to the stats, so it was a fairly easy decision to press on. As recommended, I used the adoption agency as an intermediary and they wrote a contact letter. It included a form with options on arranging contact. It came back within a few days. Just the "No contact" box ticked, nothing else.

So, that was that. I can now tell you:

• My mother was a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl when she had me.
• My mother is/was a nurse; possibly a midwife.
• Her address.
• Her husband's name and profession.
• What she looks like.
• That I have two brothers.
• That I have at least one niece.
• What my closest brother in age looks like.
• The name and address of the company his wife runs.
• What he does for a living (it's strikingly similar to my job).
• That he married not too long ago.
• That I come from Clonfert in County Galway.
• Who my grandparents were.
• When and where my grandparents died.

But that's about it. I'll be honest; it affected me far more than I expected. It also happened around the time of a difficult period at work and combined with that I found it all extremely difficult to deal with. As time goes by, I'm not thinking about it quite so often.

But...

I've done it now. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might be. It's done with. Before my mother-in-law died earlier this year, she always jokingly threatened to go round and give her a piece of her mind. I'm afraid I'm not like that; what's done is done and I doubt that I will do anything more in the future.

So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".

Cheers.

[softtop]

selwonk said:

I'm 48 now and traced my birth mother about 3 years ago. I'd mulled over doing anything about it for 17 years, immediately after my daughter was born, but in the end it was something I just had to do.

I got the paperwork from the GRO, signed up for Ancestry and met with a counselor at the Catholic adopton agency that handled the adoption case. It only took a short time to track my mother down; she still lives in the town where I was born.

We discussed next steps. Circa 1% of approaches result in some form of first contact, according to the stats, so it was a fairly easy decision to press on. As recommended, I used the adoption agency as an intermediary and they wrote a contact letter. It included a form with options on arranging contact. It came back within a few days. Just the "No contact" box ticked, nothing else.

So, that was that. I can now tell you:

• My mother was a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl when she had me.
• My mother is/was a nurse; possibly a midwife.
• Her address.
• Her husband's name and profession.
• What she looks like.
• That I have two brothers.
• That I have at least one niece.
• What my closest brother in age looks like.
• The name and address of the company his wife runs.
• What he does for a living (it's strikingly similar to my job).
• That he married not too long ago.
• That I come from Clonfert in County Galway.
• Who my grandparents were.
• When and where my grandparents died.

But that's about it. I'll be honest; it affected me far more than I expected. It also happened around the time of a difficult period at work and combined with that I found it all extremely difficult to deal with. As time goes by, I'm not thinking about it quite so often.

But...

I've done it now. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might be. It's done with. Before my mother-in-law died earlier this year, she always jokingly threatened to go round and give her a piece of her mind. I'm afraid I'm not like that; what's done is done and I doubt that I will do anything more in the future.

So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".

Cheers.

an informed yet difficult decision to make.It is heartening to read and your objective view of the situation.

[whitesocks]

selwonk said:

I'm 48 now and traced my birth mother about 3 years ago. I'd mulled over doing anything about it for 17 years, immediately after my daughter was born, but in the end it was something I just had to do.

I got the paperwork from the GRO, signed up for Ancestry and met with a counselor at the Catholic adopton agency that handled the adoption case. It only took a short time to track my mother down; she still lives in the town where I was born.

We discussed next steps. Circa 1% of approaches result in some form of first contact, according to the stats, so it was a fairly easy decision to press on. As recommended, I used the adoption agency as an intermediary and they wrote a contact letter. It included a form with options on arranging contact. It came back within a few days. Just the "No contact" box ticked, nothing else.

So, that was that. I can now tell you:

• My mother was a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl when she had me.
• My mother is/was a nurse; possibly a midwife.
• Her address.
• Her husband's name and profession.
• What she looks like.
• That I have two brothers.
• That I have at least one niece.
• What my closest brother in age looks like.
• The name and address of the company his wife runs.
• What he does for a living (it's strikingly similar to my job).
• That he married not too long ago.
• That I come from Clonfert in County Galway.
• Who my grandparents were.
• When and where my grandparents died.

But that's about it. I'll be honest; it affected me far more than I expected. It also happened around the time of a difficult period at work and combined with that I found it all extremely difficult to deal with. As time goes by, I'm not thinking about it quite so often.

But...

I've done it now. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might be. It's done with. Before my mother-in-law died earlier this year, she always jokingly threatened to go round and give her a piece of her mind. I'm afraid I'm not like that; what's done is done and I doubt that I will do anything more in the future.

So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".

Cheers.

Like someone else said up thread, how can the mother (Of all people) reject the child? The same one who carried you for nine months and went through labour to have you? It makes no sense.

[GloverMart]

selwonk said:

I'm 48 now and traced my birth mother about 3 years ago. I'd mulled over doing anything about it for 17 years, immediately after my daughter was born, but in the end it was something I just had to do.

I got the paperwork from the GRO, signed up for Ancestry and met with a counselor at the Catholic adopton agency that handled the adoption case. It only took a short time to track my mother down; she still lives in the town where I was born.

We discussed next steps. Circa 1% of approaches result in some form of first contact, according to the stats, so it was a fairly easy decision to press on. As recommended, I used the adoption agency as an intermediary and they wrote a contact letter. It included a form with options on arranging contact. It came back within a few days. Just the "No contact" box ticked, nothing else.

So, that was that. I can now tell you:

• My mother was a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl when she had me.
• My mother is/was a nurse; possibly a midwife.
• Her address.
• Her husband's name and profession.
• What she looks like.
• That I have two brothers.
• That I have at least one niece.
• What my closest brother in age looks like.
• The name and address of the company his wife runs.
• What he does for a living (it's strikingly similar to my job).
• That he married not too long ago.
• That I come from Clonfert in County Galway.
• Who my grandparents were.
• When and where my grandparents died.

But that's about it. I'll be honest; it affected me far more than I expected. It also happened around the time of a difficult period at work and combined with that I found it all extremely difficult to deal with. As time goes by, I'm not thinking about it quite so often.

But...

I've done it now. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might be. It's done with. Before my mother-in-law died earlier this year, she always jokingly threatened to go round and give her a piece of her mind. I'm afraid I'm not like that; what's done is done and I doubt that I will do anything more in the future.

So, I wish you all the best, OP. Go into it with an open mind and I hope it works out for you. If nothing else, it will stop all the "What ifs...".

Cheers.

I have nothing to add except to say this is a great post.

I sat here last night and tried to find my brother. As said before on the thread, I started to search for him but then had the dreaded letter from my case worker saying that he had died before I started looking. I'm going up lots of internet cul-de-sacs right now but ultimately, I am glad I tried and I think the OP will be too.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

whitesocks said:

Like someone else said up thread, how can the mother (Of all people) reject the child? The same one who carried you for nine months and went through labour to have you? It makes no sense.

It doesn't have to make sense to you or anyone upthread, it has to make sense to them. Everyone is different. That's all.

Adoption is a 2-way street. It allows the child the choice of having nothing to do with their birth mother, and it allows the birth mother to have nothing to do with their child.

One of the perils of this whole scenario is that many adopted people create in their mind a story to fit their expectations...a young single mother with no choice than to give up the child she loves. And than may be true in many, or even most cases. But you've also got the mother who genuinely has no interest in having a child and is happy to get shot and move on. If you aren't prepared for that possibility, then don't start the search.

[Bill]

It's much more complicated than just "giving up a baby they love". There's the shame and judgement from their family, and consequent hiding their past from later husbands and children.

And then the letter arrives and they have a choice to say no and maintain the status quo, or admit they've lived a lie.

[sinbaddio]

Bill said:

It's much more complicated than just "giving up a baby they love". There's the shame and judgement from their family, and consequent hiding their past from later husbands and children.

And then the letter arrives and they have a choice to say no and maintain the status quo, or admit they've lived a lie.

This is true. I have no regrets about being adopted. I was given a fairly privileged upbringing. It was indeed pressure from my biological mum's family that pushed her down the adoption route. But she was just 18 years old, living in the north from a working class family, carrying a mixed race child in 1972. My biological father did a runner back to India when he found out so she was basically on her own. My adoption case notes talk in length about the hurt she went through making this decision, but she was ousted from the family home and ended up in a women's refuge with no way out. Then she met my adopted parents to be, realised how much better my life would be and bit the bullet.

In my case notes there is a hand written from my dad to the case worker. It seems mt bio mum and the case worker took me to my childhood home and 'handed me over' so to speak. This letter states how they would understand if she wanted to have me back as they were distraught by how upset she was. Brutal way of doing things I guess (it's probably a bit more diplomatic these days).

To summarise, I have nothing but the upmost respect for the life choice my birth mother made to provide me with the best possible start. It wasn't for one moment an easy decision to make.

[whitesocks]

sinbaddio said:

This is true. I have no regrets about being adopted. I was given a fairly privileged upbringing. It was indeed pressure from my biological mum's family that pushed her down the adoption route. But she was just 18 years old, living in the north from a working class family, carrying a mixed race child in 1972. My biological father did a runner back to India when he found out so she was basically on her own. My adoption case notes talk in length about the hurt she went through making this decision, but she was ousted from the family home and ended up in a women's refuge with no way out. Then she met my adopted parents to be, realised how much better my life would be and bit the bullet.

In my case notes there is a hand written from my dad to the case worker. It seems mt bio mum and the case worker took me to my childhood home and 'handed me over' so to speak. This letter states how they would understand if she wanted to have me back as they were distraught by how upset she was. Brutal way of doing things I guess (it's probably a bit more diplomatic these days).

To summarise, I have nothing but the upmost respect for the life choice my birth mother made to provide me with the best possible start. It wasn't for one moment an easy decision to make.

Do you have any contact with your Biological mum? And have you ever tried to trace your Biological Father?

[PurpleTurtle]

whitesocks said:

PurpleTurtle said:

Nice insight there, a similar story to my best pal. His birth mother was an 18yo girl who had an affair with her married boss in 1965, got pregnant, my pal was given up for adoption. Different times then. He has had a happy life with his adoptive parents and sister, also adopted.

When he was approaching 50 he traced his birth mother, writing to her to suggest a meeting. She replied somewhat curtly in the third person, that she was aware of his existence, "wished him well" but did not want to have anything to do with him. A bit more online digging turned up that she'd married in her 20's, had a family of her own, was now a grandmother, my pal was her secret that the rest of her 'new' family didn't know about.

He was upset by the rejection and took him a while to get over it, however some subsequent Facestalking of his half-siblings confirmed to him that he was well out of it, so he put the lid back on Pandora's Box and got on with his life.

Well out of it because it looked like a dodgy family?

Yep, nothing massively salacious, but just clear from some visible online postings that they were the kind of people he would have little or nothing in common with.