Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Origin Unknown said:
Reminds me of this.A soldiers mother died, so the Sergeant had his squad fall in, and shouted “Corporal Smith”
Corporal Smith said “Sarg”
Sergeant said “Your mother died yesterday”
The colonel on passing hears this and summons the sergeant, he said “Sergeant, you must more diplomatic on these delicate matters”, “Yes sir”, said the sergeant.
The following day Corporal Smith’s father died.
The Sergeant had his squad fall in, and remembering what the Colonel said
“All those with fathers take one step forward”
As the squad moved forward he bellowed out “SMITH, WHERE ARE YOU GOING”
What do wives and grenades have in common?
As soon as you pull the ring off, your house is gone!
A genie granted me one wish, so I said I wanted to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I asked several of my friends what LGBTQ stands for, but none of them gave me a straight answer.
When Christian Doppler divorced his wife and walked away …
… did his voice get lower and lower?
My wife can be very cruel. Whenever we drive past a ‘Speed Hump’ sign she says, “Is there any other kind”?
When I worked in a warehouse, I messaged the boss to ask the best way to lift a heavy weight.
He texted me straight back.
Yesterday I had a map of Italy tattooed on my chest.
My Naples are hurting like hell now.
My girlfriend said she was chucking me out because of my obsession with Only Fools and Horses.
I said, “Okay, I’ll get my suitcase from the van.”
I once dated a homeless woman.
When things got serious, she asked me to move out with her.
My wife said it was my turn to put the baby down.
So I said, “You stupid ugly kid, you suck at everything.”
As soon as you pull the ring off, your house is gone!
A genie granted me one wish, so I said I wanted to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I asked several of my friends what LGBTQ stands for, but none of them gave me a straight answer.
When Christian Doppler divorced his wife and walked away …
… did his voice get lower and lower?
My wife can be very cruel. Whenever we drive past a ‘Speed Hump’ sign she says, “Is there any other kind”?
When I worked in a warehouse, I messaged the boss to ask the best way to lift a heavy weight.
He texted me straight back.
Yesterday I had a map of Italy tattooed on my chest.
My Naples are hurting like hell now.
My girlfriend said she was chucking me out because of my obsession with Only Fools and Horses.
I said, “Okay, I’ll get my suitcase from the van.”
I once dated a homeless woman.
When things got serious, she asked me to move out with her.
My wife said it was my turn to put the baby down.
So I said, “You stupid ugly kid, you suck at everything.”
Jill, a gorgeous blond girl was complaining to her friend about her new boyfriend.
“Oh Sarah, I really like Jack. He’s almost perfect except for one thing that bugs me, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
“He’s really hot in the picture you showed me, what bugs you about him, Jill?” Sarah asked.
“Well, it’s embarrassing to talk about, but he has these awful little white flakes on his shoulders, and when we’re slow dancing, I can’t bring myself to get my face close, and I would like to.”
“It sounds like dandruff. Why not give him Head and Shoulders?”
Jill looked puzzled as she thought a minute, then she cautiously asked, “I’ll try it but…how do you give shoulders?”
“Oh Sarah, I really like Jack. He’s almost perfect except for one thing that bugs me, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
“He’s really hot in the picture you showed me, what bugs you about him, Jill?” Sarah asked.
“Well, it’s embarrassing to talk about, but he has these awful little white flakes on his shoulders, and when we’re slow dancing, I can’t bring myself to get my face close, and I would like to.”
“It sounds like dandruff. Why not give him Head and Shoulders?”
Jill looked puzzled as she thought a minute, then she cautiously asked, “I’ll try it but…how do you give shoulders?”
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor", Shamas asked, "how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is eaier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which eveyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips aroudn the world and died during one of them, Which one?"
Shamus thought for amoment, and then said with a nervours laugh "You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?, I must confess I don't know much about history"
"Nothing is eaier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which eveyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips aroudn the world and died during one of them, Which one?"
Shamus thought for amoment, and then said with a nervours laugh "You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?, I must confess I don't know much about history"
Edited by Vipers on Thursday 5th February 17:23
Vipers said:
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor", Shamas asked, "how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is eaier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which eveyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips aroudn the world and died during one of them, Which one?"
Shamus thought for amoment, and then said with a nervours laugh "You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?, I must confess I don't know much about history"
And this sort of thing catches out even apparently sensible folks. In ski circles it’s not unusual to hear of folks breaking legs (although less nowadays when I were a lad). I’d often say ‘…and it’s always on the last run of the day when you get a leg break’. At which point someone inevitably pipes-up ‘but not always’. Then you have to explain they didn’t actually have any more runs afterwards. "Nothing is eaier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which eveyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips aroudn the world and died during one of them, Which one?"
Shamus thought for amoment, and then said with a nervours laugh "You wouldnt happen to have another example would you?, I must confess I don't know much about history"
Edited by Vipers on Thursday 5th February 17:23
A wife comes home after a long day out shopping and freezes when she sees her husband in bed with a young woman.
She turns on her heel, ready to walk straight back out, but he sits up and says, “Wait. Before you go, let me explain.”
“On the drive home I saw her walking along looking absolutely worn out. She looked skint, so I offered her a lift. In the car she said she hadn’t eaten all day, so I brought her back and warmed up that leftover roast in the fridge that’s been sitting there for ages.”
“When we got inside I noticed her shoes were falling apart, so I gave her those shoes of yours you stopped wearing because they were ‘a bit last year.’”
“Then she said she was freezing, so I gave her that birthday jumper you never wore because the colour wasn’t really your thing.”
“And her trousers were in a right state, so I gave her that pair of yours you keep in the wardrobe for… motivation.”
He spreads his hands and sighs. “Anyway, she was just about to leave when she paused, looked back at me, and said, ‘Have you got anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”
“So, here we are.”
She turns on her heel, ready to walk straight back out, but he sits up and says, “Wait. Before you go, let me explain.”
“On the drive home I saw her walking along looking absolutely worn out. She looked skint, so I offered her a lift. In the car she said she hadn’t eaten all day, so I brought her back and warmed up that leftover roast in the fridge that’s been sitting there for ages.”
“When we got inside I noticed her shoes were falling apart, so I gave her those shoes of yours you stopped wearing because they were ‘a bit last year.’”
“Then she said she was freezing, so I gave her that birthday jumper you never wore because the colour wasn’t really your thing.”
“And her trousers were in a right state, so I gave her that pair of yours you keep in the wardrobe for… motivation.”
He spreads his hands and sighs. “Anyway, she was just about to leave when she paused, looked back at me, and said, ‘Have you got anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”
“So, here we are.”
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