Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Two conjoined twins, joined at the hip are on vacation at their favourite hotel in the South of France.
They have been staying there for a week every year for over thirty years. The waiter being says to them.
“Excuse me monsuoir, but my wife was asking why you always come here every year for over thirty years, I told her it was probably for fine French cuisine”
One replies “No mate, we live south London and prefer fish’n chips and bangers mash”
“Ah I see, then it must be the fine wines?”
One replies “No mate, we prefer a brown and mild in the local”
“Ah I see, then it’s for the beautiful weather and sunshine in the south of France?”
One replies “No mate, we are just about albino’s that’s why we stay in the shade”
The waiter totally confused asked “Why sirs if you do not like our fine cuisine, fine wines or our beautiful weather why do you come here every year?
One says “It’s the only time my brother can drive the car”
They have been staying there for a week every year for over thirty years. The waiter being says to them.
“Excuse me monsuoir, but my wife was asking why you always come here every year for over thirty years, I told her it was probably for fine French cuisine”
One replies “No mate, we live south London and prefer fish’n chips and bangers mash”
“Ah I see, then it must be the fine wines?”
One replies “No mate, we prefer a brown and mild in the local”
“Ah I see, then it’s for the beautiful weather and sunshine in the south of France?”
One replies “No mate, we are just about albino’s that’s why we stay in the shade”
The waiter totally confused asked “Why sirs if you do not like our fine cuisine, fine wines or our beautiful weather why do you come here every year?
One says “It’s the only time my brother can drive the car”
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.
They forgot to mention morons.
Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
They forgot to mention morons.
Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Edited by Stealthracer on Sunday 8th February 16:23
A man woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He called the police who arrived quickly and arrested the intruder. Next day the man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. No, said the duty sergeant, you'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him? Well, said the man, he got into my house at 2 am without waking my wife. I want to know how he did it.
Vipers said:
Rayny said:
Vipers said:
<snipped for brevity>
Pretty good for a Sunday evening - Thanks for the laugh, Vipers.
Voldemort said:
A man woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He called the police who arrived quickly and arrested the intruder. Next day the man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. No, said the duty sergeant, you'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him? Well, said the man, he got into my house at 2 am without waking my wife. I want to know how he did it.
That's a new one on me - But have they been at the police station all day while trying to find the answer...
Rayny said:
Was that a weekend without Vaud, Grumpy52 , and a_dreamer - And with only a brief appearance from Vipers?
I've been away in Cambridge with old friends. I will be back tomorrow.Some women like their men like coffee - hot, dark and strong.
My wife prefers them like tea - in a bag and under water.
vaud said:
Rayny said:
Was that a weekend without Vaud, Grumpy52 , and a_dreamer - And with only a brief appearance from Vipers?
I've been away in Cambridge with old friends. I will be back tomorrow.Some women like their men like coffee - hot, dark and strong.
My wife prefers them like tea - in a bag and under water.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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