Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my hunting gear, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that weather'?
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that weather'?
A ventriloquist was performing "dumb blonde" jokes in Sweden when a blonde woman stood up and yelled, "I’m tired of your offensive stereotypes! How dare you suggest hair color has anything to do with a woman's intelligence or worth?"
The embarrassed performer started to apologize, but she snapped, "You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little f
ker on your lap!"
The embarrassed performer started to apologize, but she snapped, "You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little f
ker on your lap!"A couple played a game while driving: for every 5 mph over the limit, she’d remove one piece of clothing. By 75 mph, she was completely naked. Distracted by the view, the man lost control and wrapped the car around a tree.
He was pinned in the wreckage, but she was thrown clear. "Go for help!" he gasped. "But I’m naked!" she cried. He managed to reach one of his shoes and tossed it to her. "Cover yourself with this!"
She ran to the road and flagged down a trucker. "Please help!" she sobbed. "My boyfriend is stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The trucker looked down at the shoe between her legs and sighed. "Honey, if he’s in that far, there’s no hope for him."
He was pinned in the wreckage, but she was thrown clear. "Go for help!" he gasped. "But I’m naked!" she cried. He managed to reach one of his shoes and tossed it to her. "Cover yourself with this!"
She ran to the road and flagged down a trucker. "Please help!" she sobbed. "My boyfriend is stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The trucker looked down at the shoe between her legs and sighed. "Honey, if he’s in that far, there’s no hope for him."
A sailor and a pirate are in a bar recounting their many adventures at sea. Seeing the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”
“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”
“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”
“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”
“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull dropping fell into me eye.”
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.
“Well…” said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook."
The pirate replies: “We were caught in a huge storm and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as me crew were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off.”
“Blimey!” said the sailor . “And how’d you get the hook?”
“Arrrr…”, mused the old salt, “I got into a fight over a woman in a bar, and me hand got chopped off.”
“Blimey!” remarked the sailor. “And how about the eye patch?”
“Oh that,” said the pirate, looking embarrassed. A seagull dropping fell into me eye.”
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the questioner asked incredulously.
“Well…” said the old sea dog, “It was me first day with the hook."
A country doctor wanted to skip work and go hunting , so he told his janitor:
“Buddy, I’m going huntin’ tomorrow. Watch the clinic for me and take care of the patients. I’ll give you $50.”
“Yessir!” Buddy replied.
The next day, the doctor comes back:
“How’d it go, Buddy?”
Buddy grins: “Three patients. First one had a headache - gave him Tylenol.
“Bravo! And the second?”
“Stomach ache -gave him Maalox.”
“Excellent! And the third?”
“Well, Doc, I was having a smoke when this woman came rushing in. She stripped off everything - bra, panties, the whole works - and lay on the table screaming, ‘HELP ME, I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’
The doctor gasped: “Good heavens, Buddy! What did you do?”
Buddy said: “I put drops in her eyes.”
“Buddy, I’m going huntin’ tomorrow. Watch the clinic for me and take care of the patients. I’ll give you $50.”
“Yessir!” Buddy replied.
The next day, the doctor comes back:
“How’d it go, Buddy?”
Buddy grins: “Three patients. First one had a headache - gave him Tylenol.
“Bravo! And the second?”
“Stomach ache -gave him Maalox.”
“Excellent! And the third?”
“Well, Doc, I was having a smoke when this woman came rushing in. She stripped off everything - bra, panties, the whole works - and lay on the table screaming, ‘HELP ME, I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’
The doctor gasped: “Good heavens, Buddy! What did you do?”
Buddy said: “I put drops in her eyes.”
After a hailstorm leaves a blonde’s car covered in dents, a mechanic pranks her by claiming she can "pop them out" by blowing into the exhaust pipe.
Later, her blonde roommate finds her in the driveway, red-faced and huffing into the tailpipe. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"The mechanic told me if I blow into this, the dents will pop out!"
The roommate sighs and shakes her head. "You idiot, that'll never work—your windows are still open!"
Later, her blonde roommate finds her in the driveway, red-faced and huffing into the tailpipe. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"The mechanic told me if I blow into this, the dents will pop out!"
The roommate sighs and shakes her head. "You idiot, that'll never work—your windows are still open!"
A cat dies and goes to heaven
When she gets there, she gets met at the Pearly Gates by God.
God says to the cat "You have been a good, faithful, loyal cat, all of your life. I wish to reward this...is there anything you would like to make heaven more comfortable for you?
The cat thinks for one minute, then says "Well, I know it isn't much, but I spent all of my life on a farm. When it came time to sleep, I had to curl up on a hard wooden floor. A comfortable pillow would be nice." God looks at the cat, and says "So you shall have a pillow. A nice, comfortable, fluffy pillow."
Several days go by, and a group of 6 mice die in a horrible accident. God, again meeting them at the Pearly Gates, decides to offer them the same deal as the cat.
When asked what they would like, the mice respond "Well, we have spent all of our lives, running. Running from cats, running from dogs, running from humans with brooms. A little pair of roller skates would be so nice, as we wouldn't have to run anymore." God thinks about it, and says "So you shall have your roller skates."
It has been a week, so God decides to check in on the cat. He finds the cat all curled up, fast asleep, on a nice big fluffy pillow. God gently wakes the cat, and asks the cat how everything is.
The cat responds "Oh, everything has been perfect. This pillow is so soft and fluffy, I have been so comfortable...oh, and I especially like the meals on wheels that you have been sending me."
When she gets there, she gets met at the Pearly Gates by God.
God says to the cat "You have been a good, faithful, loyal cat, all of your life. I wish to reward this...is there anything you would like to make heaven more comfortable for you?
The cat thinks for one minute, then says "Well, I know it isn't much, but I spent all of my life on a farm. When it came time to sleep, I had to curl up on a hard wooden floor. A comfortable pillow would be nice." God looks at the cat, and says "So you shall have a pillow. A nice, comfortable, fluffy pillow."
Several days go by, and a group of 6 mice die in a horrible accident. God, again meeting them at the Pearly Gates, decides to offer them the same deal as the cat.
When asked what they would like, the mice respond "Well, we have spent all of our lives, running. Running from cats, running from dogs, running from humans with brooms. A little pair of roller skates would be so nice, as we wouldn't have to run anymore." God thinks about it, and says "So you shall have your roller skates."
It has been a week, so God decides to check in on the cat. He finds the cat all curled up, fast asleep, on a nice big fluffy pillow. God gently wakes the cat, and asks the cat how everything is.
The cat responds "Oh, everything has been perfect. This pillow is so soft and fluffy, I have been so comfortable...oh, and I especially like the meals on wheels that you have been sending me."
Old one...
Three guys are sitting naked in a sauna when a ringtone sounds. The first guy holds his thumb to his ear and his pinky to his mouth, finishes a call, and brags, "New implant—my hand is the phone."
Suddenly, the second guy’s eyes glow as he projects a 3D hologram of his calendar. "Direct link to my cerebral cortex," he says. "I’m basically a cyborg."
Feeling outclassed, the third man excuses himself for a moment. He returns with a long trail of toilet paper hanging out of his backside.
"What on earth is that?" the others ask.
He sighs and says, "Sorry, fellas—I’m getting a fax."
Three guys are sitting naked in a sauna when a ringtone sounds. The first guy holds his thumb to his ear and his pinky to his mouth, finishes a call, and brags, "New implant—my hand is the phone."
Suddenly, the second guy’s eyes glow as he projects a 3D hologram of his calendar. "Direct link to my cerebral cortex," he says. "I’m basically a cyborg."
Feeling outclassed, the third man excuses himself for a moment. He returns with a long trail of toilet paper hanging out of his backside.
"What on earth is that?" the others ask.
He sighs and says, "Sorry, fellas—I’m getting a fax."
vaud said:
A man tells his doctor: "Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I've finally been able to relax!"
The doctor responds: "Glad to hear. And you're only taking 1 per night, right?"
Man: "Oh, I'm not taking them. I've been giving them to my wife."
Welcome back vaud - That was quite a good run, but this was the best one.The doctor responds: "Glad to hear. And you're only taking 1 per night, right?"
Man: "Oh, I'm not taking them. I've been giving them to my wife."
Nigel_O said:
stuttgartmetal said:
When did this page get taken over by banal yank jokes ffs
Possibly due to this being the last thing you posted .stuttgartmetal said:
Police car goes by, blues and twos blaring.
Me: Chips are getting cold in the canteen.
:Tumbleweed:
Me: Chips are getting cold in the canteen.
:Tumbleweed:
The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, "What do you think you're doing?"
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hands the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."
The man replies, "I'm just killing time, waiting to get paid."
The CEO is furious, "What do you make a week?"
The man tells him, "About $200 a week."
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hands the man $400 and says, "There's your two weeks, now get out of here!" After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, "What do you think about that?"
One of the employees stands up and says, "I think he just got the largest tip he's ever gotten on a single pizza."
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