Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Vipers said:
Rayny said:
It's nice to see you to put in an appearance, vaud.
Back in the early days of the internet there was something called Internet Relay Chat.
It took me a while to realise that ASL stood for Age/Sex/Location and not for Asshole.
Armed forces have a NAAFI which we all know is Navy Army Air Force Insitutes.Back in the early days of the internet there was something called Internet Relay Chat.
It took me a while to realise that ASL stood for Age/Sex/Location and not for Asshole.
Commonly referred to No Ambition And f
k all Interest 
t Don’t Care 
Vipers said:
Ever thought about this?
When you clean out the vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner
A vacuum is a space which is devoid of matter, so it cannot be cleaned.When you clean out the vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner
You would actually be a vacuum cleaner cleaner.
Are you sure that NAAFI did not stand for Not All [of us] Are f
king IdiotsWhy is abbreviation such a long word?
If Teflon is non-stick, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
When you get a wrong number, why is it never engaged?
Before the Plague, what did people avoid things like?
Why isn't 'lisp' spelt 'lithp'?
How can a bearded man tell a barefaced lie? Or a bald man a hair-raising story?
If you keep fleas as pets, do you have to dust them with dog powder?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
If rhinoceros horn is meant to be an aphrodisiac, how come they re an endangered species?
Why isn t the word palindrome spelt the same way backwards?
How come people in pubs and restaurants insist in pointing to an empty chair and asking if anyone s sitting in it?
If a parrot gets food poisoning, what is he as sick as?
Why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell?
When you stand up, where does your lap go?
Can a short-sighted person have a faraway look in his eye?
Is there such a place as the front of beyond?
Why, when you re driving down the motorway and some lunatic goes past at 150 mph, does your passenger always turn to you and say, He won t get there any quicker ?
What if the Hokey-Cokey really IS what it s all about?
If flammable means likely to catch fire , how come inflammable things aren t fireproof?
How do they grow seedless grapes?
When you re trying to find something you ve lost, why does some muppet always say, It ll be in the last place you look, as if you re going to find it then carry on looking?
Is a zebra black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?
If someone s been ill, and is now better, why does he say he s as right as rain ? What s right about rain?
Which reminds me, why do people always say, It s raining out, when it s obviously raining down?
Have you ever thought how stupid the phrase now, then is?
And when you think you've finished the washing up, how come there's always a teaspoon in the bottom of the bowl even if you haven't used one?
If Teflon is non-stick, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
When you get a wrong number, why is it never engaged?
Before the Plague, what did people avoid things like?
Why isn't 'lisp' spelt 'lithp'?
How can a bearded man tell a barefaced lie? Or a bald man a hair-raising story?
If you keep fleas as pets, do you have to dust them with dog powder?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
If rhinoceros horn is meant to be an aphrodisiac, how come they re an endangered species?
Why isn t the word palindrome spelt the same way backwards?
How come people in pubs and restaurants insist in pointing to an empty chair and asking if anyone s sitting in it?
If a parrot gets food poisoning, what is he as sick as?
Why is dyslexia such a difficult word to spell?
When you stand up, where does your lap go?
Can a short-sighted person have a faraway look in his eye?
Is there such a place as the front of beyond?
Why, when you re driving down the motorway and some lunatic goes past at 150 mph, does your passenger always turn to you and say, He won t get there any quicker ?
What if the Hokey-Cokey really IS what it s all about?
If flammable means likely to catch fire , how come inflammable things aren t fireproof?
How do they grow seedless grapes?
When you re trying to find something you ve lost, why does some muppet always say, It ll be in the last place you look, as if you re going to find it then carry on looking?
Is a zebra black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
What does an occasional table do the rest of the time?
If someone s been ill, and is now better, why does he say he s as right as rain ? What s right about rain?
Which reminds me, why do people always say, It s raining out, when it s obviously raining down?
Have you ever thought how stupid the phrase now, then is?
And when you think you've finished the washing up, how come there's always a teaspoon in the bottom of the bowl even if you haven't used one?
Edited by Stealthracer on Thursday 2nd April 14:32
Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
My little daughter jumped up on my lap all excited shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this April!”
I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!
I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....
CELEBRATE!"
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was ....
CELEBRATE!"
After the next election, Donald Trump goes to Israel to meet his mate Netanyahu and dies while he's there.
A discussion ensues between the new Democrat President's team and the Israelis, they say we can bury him here for $1000 or have him flown back to the states for $100,000.
The Americans have a think about it, and go back to the Israelis and say they'll have him flown back to the US.
Israelis say Why do that, you can save a load of money by having him buried here, the Americans say We know that but you guys have got history on this, you buried bloke once and he came back to life 3 days later, we just can't take the risk.
A discussion ensues between the new Democrat President's team and the Israelis, they say we can bury him here for $1000 or have him flown back to the states for $100,000.
The Americans have a think about it, and go back to the Israelis and say they'll have him flown back to the US.
Israelis say Why do that, you can save a load of money by having him buried here, the Americans say We know that but you guys have got history on this, you buried bloke once and he came back to life 3 days later, we just can't take the risk.
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