Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Sir John returned from a business trip and was met at Heathrow by his Chauffeur James with the Bently.
On the way home he asked “Everything well at home James?”
“Well sir, sadly your horse died”
“My thoroughbred race horse died, whatever happened?”
“It was smoke inhalation from the barn fire”
“My listed barn, what are you talking about?”
“A spark from the manor house drifted over and landed on the barn and it caught alight”
“Manor house, what are you talking about?”
“Sad to say it burnt down”
“My Tudor house burnt down, how on earth did that happen?”
“It was the curtains sir they caught alight”
“Curtains? how on earth did that happen?”
“A candle fell over and they caught fire”
“Candles! What candles, we don’t use candles”
“It was on the coffin sir and it fell off”
“Coffin? what coffin?”
“Sad to say your mother died when you were away”
“So, my mother died, the candle fell over, curtains caught fire, the manor house burnt down, a spark drifted over and my listed barn was destroyed and my thoroughbred race horse died, for gods sake James, any good new?”
“Well sir with all the heat your daffodils came up early this year”
On the way home he asked “Everything well at home James?”
“Well sir, sadly your horse died”
“My thoroughbred race horse died, whatever happened?”
“It was smoke inhalation from the barn fire”
“My listed barn, what are you talking about?”
“A spark from the manor house drifted over and landed on the barn and it caught alight”
“Manor house, what are you talking about?”
“Sad to say it burnt down”
“My Tudor house burnt down, how on earth did that happen?”
“It was the curtains sir they caught alight”
“Curtains? how on earth did that happen?”
“A candle fell over and they caught fire”
“Candles! What candles, we don’t use candles”
“It was on the coffin sir and it fell off”
“Coffin? what coffin?”
“Sad to say your mother died when you were away”
“So, my mother died, the candle fell over, curtains caught fire, the manor house burnt down, a spark drifted over and my listed barn was destroyed and my thoroughbred race horse died, for gods sake James, any good new?”
“Well sir with all the heat your daffodils came up early this year”
Vipers said:
Sir John returned from a business trip and was met at Heathrow by his Chauffeur James with the Bently.
On the way home he asked Everything well at home James?
Well sir, sadly your horse died
My thoroughbred race horse died, whatever happened?
It was smoke inhalation from the barn fire
My listed barn, what are you talking about?
A spark from the manor house drifted over and landed on the barn and it caught alight
Manor house, what are you talking about?
Sad to say it burnt down
My Tudor house burnt down, how on earth did that happen?
It was the curtains sir they caught alight
Curtains? how on earth did that happen?
A candle fell over and they caught fire
Candles! What candles, we don t use candles
It was on the coffin sir and it fell off
Coffin? what coffin?
Sad to say your mother died when you were away
So, my mother died, the candle fell over, curtains caught fire, the manor house burnt down, a spark drifted over and my listed barn was destroyed and my thoroughbred race horse died, for gods sake James, any good new?
Well sir with all the heat your daffodils came up early this year
And that's how you deliver bad newsOn the way home he asked Everything well at home James?
Well sir, sadly your horse died
My thoroughbred race horse died, whatever happened?
It was smoke inhalation from the barn fire
My listed barn, what are you talking about?
A spark from the manor house drifted over and landed on the barn and it caught alight
Manor house, what are you talking about?
Sad to say it burnt down
My Tudor house burnt down, how on earth did that happen?
It was the curtains sir they caught alight
Curtains? how on earth did that happen?
A candle fell over and they caught fire
Candles! What candles, we don t use candles
It was on the coffin sir and it fell off
Coffin? what coffin?
Sad to say your mother died when you were away
So, my mother died, the candle fell over, curtains caught fire, the manor house burnt down, a spark drifted over and my listed barn was destroyed and my thoroughbred race horse died, for gods sake James, any good new?
Well sir with all the heat your daffodils came up early this year
Variation of above
Sir John How is my prize gun dog?
Chauffeur He is dead Sir John
SJ Good Lord. your could have broken the news a bit more gently...for example. he was playing with a ball with rhe children, the ball ran into the road, and he was hit by a car. We took him to the vets but sadly he could not save him.. That is a much better way.
Chau. Yes Sir
SJ and how about dear Mama?
Chau Well Sir, she was playing ball with the grandchildren.....
Sir John How is my prize gun dog?
Chauffeur He is dead Sir John
SJ Good Lord. your could have broken the news a bit more gently...for example. he was playing with a ball with rhe children, the ball ran into the road, and he was hit by a car. We took him to the vets but sadly he could not save him.. That is a much better way.
Chau. Yes Sir
SJ and how about dear Mama?
Chau Well Sir, she was playing ball with the grandchildren.....
Kenty said:
A French policeman stops the Englishman s car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
No sir, I do not! But while we re asking questions, do you realise that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?
Bit late to comment but this almost happened to us . . .With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
No sir, I do not! But while we re asking questions, do you realise that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?
Leaving Chalons en Champagne early one October (still dark). Police (Can’t remember if it was police or gendarmerie) had a roadside checkpoint and flagged us into the big lay-by and one walked up to the left side of the car with the tester in his hand. We dropped the passenger side window and as he asked if my wife had been drinking he saw that the steering wheel was on the other side of the car - his face was a picture!
Only time I have ever been breathalysed.
A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.
Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.
At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.
At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.
At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"
"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.
He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................
"Excuse me, how dutch is that moggy in the window?"
"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"
"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.
Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop.
"I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"
The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"
"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.
At next pet shop he asks the same question.
The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.
At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed.
"Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"
"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.
At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer.
"I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"
"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.
He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper.............................................................................
"Excuse me, how dutch is that moggy in the window?"
During an early morning security inspection at Aintree Racecourse this morning, a couple were caught 'in flagrante delecto' underneath Bechers Brook.
When they were carted off to the local nick, they asked for six other fences to be taken into consideration.
oh come on - I can only use it once a year...
When they were carted off to the local nick, they asked for six other fences to be taken into consideration.
oh come on - I can only use it once a year...
A few seen before... but some new ones in amongst them
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion .
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass".
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion .
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
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