Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Dapster said:
Thank you! Dad jokes to annoy the kids this evening? Sorted!
Then have some more!No fuel in Tescos today so I bought some tacos, paella and a sombrero.
It was a Hispanic buy.
A message to my friends:
I hope you guys have all agreed to take a Ukrainian into your homes. I applied but was turned down.
They said it wasn't reasonable to specify that she be under 50, over 5ft 6 and single.
This morning the wife said to me,
"Tomorrow's our anniversary, where are you going to take me?"
Somehow I think "from behind" might not have been the answer she wanted …
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a scruffy bloke in the carpark, busking. He was strumming a guitar and singing, "When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical ...”
I said, "That’s Supertramp.”
He said, "Oh - thanks very much."
My mate Jim has 9 kids, his wife is deaf. Every night when they're lying in bed he says, "Are we going to sleep now or what?"
And she says, "What?"
Took the violin to have a new bridge fitted this morning. Guy in the shop looked at it and said, "Do you realise this instrument is nearly 150 years old?"
I said, "Well I can't afford a new one."
You know what really annoys me? It's when someone continually answers their own questions.
Don't you just hate that? I do.
Last night the girlfriend said to me, "If you're bored, why don't you make a bird table?"
Today she's not speaking to me 'cos I only put her in fifth place.
I went for a massage the other day. The lady said, "It's not uncommon to become aroused while I'm doing this, but if it does happen, just remember that it's perfectly natural and nothing to be embarrassed about."
I said, "Yes, but what if I get aroused as well?"
I've got a date next week with a lady whose job is making wheelie bins.
But I'm not sure what night I'm meant to take her out.
Michael_B said:
All the pisstaking and criticism of the current PM (of whom I am no great fan either) be so much more effective is his name was spelled correctly. Similarly concerning Sadiq Kahn (sic) come on, it s not f
king difficult!
But isn't it "I" before "E" except before the "C" word.......king difficult!Michael_B said:
All the pisstaking and criticism of the current PM (of whom I am no great fan either) be so much more effective is his name was spelled correctly. Similarly concerning Sadiq Kahn (sic) come on, it s not fking difficult!
Yes, almost as annoying as people who put is instead of ifking difficult!Kier, Keir, Kier, Keir. I'd bet that 90% of people who saw this wouldn't have noticed so I doubt it greatly altered the effectivenes for most people.
OddCat said:
Michael_B said:
All the pisstaking and criticism of the current PM (of whom I am no great fan either) be so much more effective is his name was spelled correctly. Similarly concerning Sadiq Kahn (sic) come on, it s not fking difficult!
Yes, almost as annoying as people who put is instead of ifking difficult!Kier, Keir, Kier, Keir. I'd bet that 90% of people who saw this wouldn't have noticed so I doubt it greatly altered the effectivenes for most people.
- would/might/could
DodgyGeezer said:
- would/might/could
Anyway, typos or missed words are one issue... not taking a few seconds to spell someone's single syllable name correctly is just laziness and lack of respect. Even when insulting them
Michael_B said:
DodgyGeezer said:
- would/might/could
Anyway, typos or missed words are one issue... not taking a few seconds to spell someone's single syllable name correctly is just laziness and lack of respect. Even when insulting them
Murphy from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how
she figured out he was in the
furniture business !
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how
she figured out he was in the
furniture business !
I got thrown out of the hospital today.
Apparently, the sign, “Stroke Patients” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.
I bought a vegan friend of mine a cookbook, but he said unfortunately he couldn’t accept it because it was leather bound.
It was too heavy for him to lift.
Tonight, I’m going on a blind date with a ghost.
I said, “How will I recognise you?”
She said, “I will be wearing a reincarnation.”
What’s Dutch for bra?
Stoppenfloppen.
I couldn't get my jogging trousers off today.
The doctor says I need an emergency trackybottomy.
It is a proven medical fact, that if someone loses one sense, one of the others is enhanced to compensate.
This is why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
I’ve just invented a perfume for introverts.
It’s called Leavemethefucologne.
Apparently, the sign, “Stroke Patients” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.
I bought a vegan friend of mine a cookbook, but he said unfortunately he couldn’t accept it because it was leather bound.
It was too heavy for him to lift.
Tonight, I’m going on a blind date with a ghost.
I said, “How will I recognise you?”
She said, “I will be wearing a reincarnation.”
What’s Dutch for bra?
Stoppenfloppen.
I couldn't get my jogging trousers off today.
The doctor says I need an emergency trackybottomy.
It is a proven medical fact, that if someone loses one sense, one of the others is enhanced to compensate.
This is why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
I’ve just invented a perfume for introverts.
It’s called Leavemethefucologne.
Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
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