Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[timbo999]

Laurel Green said:

If you had to choose between an amazing spouse or an amazing car, would you pick petrol, diesel or electric?

Petrol spouse for me please... diesel ones are a bit smelly and the I can't stand the whining of the electric ones.

[droopsnoot]

[Stealthracer]

I visited a fortune teller the other day, when I went in, she was wearing a veil.

I said, “What’s that for?”

She said, “If you catch sight of me, you will be turned into a dog.”

Then I saw her face … now I’m a retriever.

[MartG]

[deeen]

timbo999 said:

Laurel Green said:

If you had to choose between an amazing spouse or an amazing car, would you pick petrol, diesel or electric?

Petrol spouse for me please... diesel ones are a bit smelly and the I can't stand the whining of the electric ones.

Hybrid? All revved up at first, then more whiney as the juice runs out.

[MartG]

[dxg]

You know a lot of women, when given the chance, turn into good drivers.

So, if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women!

[DodgyGeezer]

Mother’s Day is the day when the least amount of crime is committed in the United States, and I think that says a lot about how many moms out there are committing crimes the rest of the year, but can’t today because they’re at brunch with their kids.

[Stealthracer]

"Who's Mike Drop?" (Sheldon Cooper)

[DodgyGeezer]

In ancient Rome there were four types of poison

Poison I, Poison II, and Poison III would all kill you instantly, but Poison IV would just make you itchy

[Tommo87]

[Hol]

I was at this mall earlier today and couldn’t help but think that someone needs to open a shop called Brown the other side of Victoria’s Secret.

[Super Sonic]

Tommo87 said:

If you like this, you'll love the 'Juvenile Things That Make You snigger' thread.

[DodgyGeezer]

Super Sonic said:

Tommo87 said:

If you like this, you'll love the 'Juvenile Things That Make You snigger' thread.

[Stealthracer]

When I was a child, my father used to say to me, “You can be anything you want to be. The sky’s the limit.”
Which depressed me terribly. I wanted to be an astronaut.

Why do blondes make terrible cattle herders?
Because they can’t even keep two calves together.

I dipped my balls in some holy water the other day, and a nun caught me.
She said it was sacrilegious.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I went out with my last girlfriend for two years.
But with the wind chill factor, it felt like nearer five.

I texted my mate yesterday.
Me: What are you doing for a job now?
Him: I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to alcohol and gambling, that sort of thing.
Me: What, charity work?
Him: No, Wetherspoons.

I don’t think I’m going to get that job at Microsoft.
They haven’t answered my telegram.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

And now that depressing time is upon us again.
That time of year when the TV takes over, gets on our nerves and drives many people over the edge...
Yes, it's Neurovision!

[Frimley111R]

Stealthracer said:

I dipped my balls in some holy water the other day, and a nun caught me.
She said it was sacrilegious.

Took me a second...

[jimmytheone]

[DodgyGeezer]

[Legacywr]

Walking through the precinct the other day I saw a juggler without a left arm.

He was a right tosser!