Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Super Sonic said:
A wife mouthed frog is hopping through the jungle when he sees a crocodile.
"Hello I'm a crocodile and I eat wide mouth frogs" he said.
You don't see many of those round here.
It doesn't work so well when written!"Hello I'm a crocodile and I eat wide mouth frogs" he said.
You don't see many of those round here.
I bet Trump can tell it well though!
? The Police received a 999 call from a woman, sobbing that her husband was dead, and when CID arrived at the house found her sitting on the ground, next to a dead man, holding a blood-covered golf club.
The detective asked her, "Is that your husband?"
"Yes" she said.
"And did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did. He kept nagging me about playing too much golf and complaining that I ignored him. But I didn't mean to kill him."
The woman burst into tears again, and threw the club into the corner of the room.
"How many times did you hit him?" asked the detective.
"I don't know - better put me down for a five."
The detective asked her, "Is that your husband?"
"Yes" she said.
"And did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did. He kept nagging me about playing too much golf and complaining that I ignored him. But I didn't mean to kill him."
The woman burst into tears again, and threw the club into the corner of the room.
"How many times did you hit him?" asked the detective.
"I don't know - better put me down for a five."
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say ?
Seen in a Shopping center bathroom:
The toilet is out of order. Please use floor below.
Automatic washing machines: Please remove your clothes when the light goes out.
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken!
After coffee break, staff should empty the coffee pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
We exchange everything! Bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring the wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Closed due to illness.
Elephants, please stay in your car!
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a daycare center on the first floor.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges!
If you can not read, this will tell you how to get lessons.
We can repair anything! (Please knock on the door hard. The bell doesn't work.)
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
(Really? Ya think?)
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)
(What a guy!)
(Those no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
(Ya think?!)
(Who would have thought!)
(They may be on to something!)
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
(Do they taste like chicken?)
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
(Boy, are they tall!)
(Did I read that right?)
If it's in stock... we have it!
Seen in a Shopping center bathroom:
The toilet is out of order. Please use floor below.
- *************************************************
Automatic washing machines: Please remove your clothes when the light goes out.
- *************************************************
Bargain Basement Upstairs.
- *************************************************
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken!
- *************************************************
After coffee break, staff should empty the coffee pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
- *************************************************
We exchange everything! Bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring the wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
- *************************************************
Closed due to illness.
- *************************************************
Elephants, please stay in your car!
- *************************************************
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a daycare center on the first floor.
- *************************************************
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges!
- *************************************************
If you can not read, this will tell you how to get lessons.
- *************************************************
We can repair anything! (Please knock on the door hard. The bell doesn't work.)
- *************************************************
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
- *************************************************
(Really? Ya think?)
- *************************************************
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)
- *************************************************
(What a guy!)
- *************************************************
(Those no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
- *************************************************
(See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
- *************************************************
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
- *************************************************
(Ya think?!)
- *************************************************
(Who would have thought!)
- *************************************************
(They may be on to something!)
- *************************************************
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
- *************************************************
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
- *************************************************
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
- *************************************************
(Do they taste like chicken?)
- **************************************
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
- *************************************************
(Boy, are they tall!)
- *****************************************
(Did I read that right?)
- *****************************************
If it's in stock... we have it!
I've just found out tennis player Steffi Graf had a sister named Polly. I'm not lying either.
My ex-wife was struck by lightning. She's now my current wife.
My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I'm not sick. She just thinks I can get better.
The doctor told me I had six months to live. “Seriously, doc?” I asked. “Is there anything I can do?” - “Move to Kansas and get married,” he replied. “It'll be the longest six months of your life.”
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I went to a job interview. The interviewer asked, “what's your greatest weakness?” I replied, “I'm too honest.” The interviewer said, “I don't think honesty is a weakness.” I said, “I don't give a f
k what you think.”
My ex-wife was struck by lightning. She's now my current wife.
My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I'm not sick. She just thinks I can get better.
The doctor told me I had six months to live. “Seriously, doc?” I asked. “Is there anything I can do?” - “Move to Kansas and get married,” he replied. “It'll be the longest six months of your life.”
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I went to a job interview. The interviewer asked, “what's your greatest weakness?” I replied, “I'm too honest.” The interviewer said, “I don't think honesty is a weakness.” I said, “I don't give a f
k what you think.”A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat.
So she says to her baby, “eat up now. I'm going to have to give it to that nice man over there.”
And she points at the man sitting across from her.
Ten minutes later. “Come on now. You need to eat or I'm going to give it to that man sitting over there.”
Another five minutes pass and the woman persists. “Come on now, darling. I can't waste this milk. So either you have to eat it all up or I'm going to give it to that man over there.”
At this point, the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “look, excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but can you make up your mind? I was supposed to get off three stops ago.”
So she says to her baby, “eat up now. I'm going to have to give it to that nice man over there.”
And she points at the man sitting across from her.
Ten minutes later. “Come on now. You need to eat or I'm going to give it to that man sitting over there.”
Another five minutes pass and the woman persists. “Come on now, darling. I can't waste this milk. So either you have to eat it all up or I'm going to give it to that man over there.”
At this point, the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “look, excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but can you make up your mind? I was supposed to get off three stops ago.”
MartG said:
I've just found out tennis player Steffi Graf had a sister named Polly. I'm not lying either.
My ex-wife was struck by lightning. She's now my current wife.
My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I'm not sick. She just thinks I can get better.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card.
My friend keeps saying, cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water. I know he means well.
.
My ex-wife was struck by lightning. She's now my current wife.
My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I'm not sick. She just thinks I can get better.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill. So I sent him a get well soon card.
My friend keeps saying, cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water. I know he means well.
.
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