Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"
The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?” "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"
He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.
10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?
"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?
"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".
"Why's that Rusty"?
"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".
"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."
"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.
"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."
"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."
"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"
"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"
The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?” "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"
He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.
10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?
"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?
"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".
"Why's that Rusty"?
"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".
"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."
"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.
"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."
"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."
"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"
"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”
Probably many reposts. I don't care.
A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"
A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?"
A student responds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 8 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 8 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."
A young man walks up to his granny and asks her, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They're marked LSD." She replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"
Sometimes it's tough to tell who your real friends are throughout life. A good friend will come bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting in the jail cell with you saying, "That was fun!"
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"
A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?"
A student responds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 8 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 8 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?" The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."
A young man walks up to his granny and asks her, "Granny, have you seen my pills? They're marked LSD." She replies, "Forget the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!?"
Sometimes it's tough to tell who your real friends are throughout life. A good friend will come bail you out of jail. A great friend will be sitting in the jail cell with you saying, "That was fun!"
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
A man was on safari with his wife when they witnessed an antelope being chased by a cheetah.
"I bet that antelope will get away" says the husband.
"Well if it does I will give you sex everyday for the rest of your life" replied the wife.
Luckily someone was on hand to film the outcome.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
"I bet that antelope will get away" says the husband.
"Well if it does I will give you sex everyday for the rest of your life" replied the wife.
Luckily someone was on hand to film the outcome.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
Edited by Monkeylegend on Saturday 8th August 09:44
A man went to the local massage parlour to be pleasured.
A few days later his penis was covered in large green lumps.
Rather worried about this he went to his doctor.
"Well" said the doctor after giving him a good examination, " you know how boxers and wrestlers get cauliflower ears"
"Yes" replied the man
"Well you have a bad case of brothel sprouts"
A few days later his penis was covered in large green lumps.
Rather worried about this he went to his doctor.
"Well" said the doctor after giving him a good examination, " you know how boxers and wrestlers get cauliflower ears"
"Yes" replied the man
"Well you have a bad case of brothel sprouts"
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog s
t!’ Then I would say, "It is dog st. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something stty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, ‘Hey, this tastes like dog s
t!’ Then I would say, "It is dog st. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the government approach of giving you something stty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
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