Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Vipers]

[Stealthracer]

Somebody has invented a rubber aircraft, so that if it crashes it will just bounce.

It will be built by Boing.

[vaud]

My girlfriend got pregnant because her coil didn't work.
She's expecting a baby in the spring.

[vaud]

But dark…



There was a kid in my year at high school who got picked on all the time because he had Brittle Bone Disease.

I'll never forget the day he finally snapped.

[vaud]

Two books on a library shelf.

' You look thinner, ' said the first book.

' I've had my appendix removed, ' replied the second book.

[vaud]

HR asked whether I struggle to read social cues.

I said no, then moved my chair closer because she seemed nervous.

[vaud]

My wife asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

Upon reflection I should probably have stopped when I got to her...

[vaud]

Also dark


My best friend's wife died after being hit by a car.

He asked me if I would say a few words at her funeral.

' Stop,Look and Listen, ' didn't go down very well.

[Monkeylegend]

I was eating breakfast with my 4 year old granddaughter when she asked me "Grandad, where does poo come from?"

"Well" I said "you have just eaten breakfast"

"Yes Grandad" she replied.

"Well that food goes into you stomach and it takes the good stuff from the food to help you grow and the bit's that are left go down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet it comes out as poo"

She looked very confused and looked at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked

"And Tigger?"

[vaud]

A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with the dog.

Anyway, anybody want to buy some puppies, going cheap...?

[vaud]

I've been watching a lot of "reality" porn lately.

You know, where the couple go to bed and nothing happens.

[vaud]

I was showing my kids how to skim stones over water today - but what a bunch of miserable sods they are in the local swimming pool.

[vaud]

London has such a caring community.

I’ve just seen a group of homeless people giving each other the flu vaccine under a bridge.

[vaud]

At the Library today I asked if they had any books on childbirth.

The Librarian said “Try over there in the C section”.

[vaud]

My wife went mental last night when i shouted out somebody else's name during sex.

"Who the fk is Dave?" she asked.

[Monkeylegend]

I had a bad day at work today, I cut my two middle fingers off on my right hand with a bandsaw.

My Doctor managed to stop the bleeding and bandaged them up for me.

"Thanks Doc" I said "Will I still be able to write with it"

"Probably be ok" he replied "but I wouldn't count on it"

[Monkeylegend]

The Chinese have just released a new vegan convenience food called Not Poodle.

[Monkeylegend]

Did you hear about the dyslexic SAS squad, they stormed London zoo and released 6 ostriches.

[DodgyGeezer]

[vaud]

The premature ejaculator's guide to sex

Step 1: Insert penis.

Step 2: Repeat, if necessary.