Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Happy weekend all!
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
-
I've bought my son a hamster for his birthday.
It's not a long-term thing though.
It's the cat's birthday next week.
-
If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead.
It's good practice for what's coming next.
-
White smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel.
The Pope hasn't died, he's just torching his hard drive.
-
How to freak out a friend “hmmm you smell different when you are awake”
-
Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open.
Who is going to steal a lion?
-
My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios.
I don't have a therapist.
-
Marriage, because your bad day doesn’t have to end at work.
-
The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.
-
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
-
I've swapped all the labels on the wife's spice rack in the kitchen.
She hasn't noticed yet but mark my words, the thyme is cumin....
-
Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose.
I know the ref who sent me off does.
-
Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.
-
When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a prick, but you'll get used to it"
-
I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems.
The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello."
At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
-
I've bought my son a hamster for his birthday.
It's not a long-term thing though.
It's the cat's birthday next week.
-
If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead.
It's good practice for what's coming next.
-
White smoke has been seen coming from the Sistine Chapel.
The Pope hasn't died, he's just torching his hard drive.
-
How to freak out a friend “hmmm you smell different when you are awake”
-
Got sacked from the zoo yesterday for leaving the lion's cage open.
Who is going to steal a lion?
-
My therapist told me I need to stop imagining scenarios.
I don't have a therapist.
-
Marriage, because your bad day doesn’t have to end at work.
-
The British people who live on the Falkland Islands are an 'artificially transplanted population' Argentina's white president Javier Milei angrily declares in Spanish.
-
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
-
I've swapped all the labels on the wife's spice rack in the kitchen.
She hasn't noticed yet but mark my words, the thyme is cumin....
-
Don't you hate when you've got a whistle in your nose.
I know the ref who sent me off does.
-
Being kissed in your sleep is the purest form of love unless you're home alone or in prison.
-
When people say "he's alright once you get to know him" it actually means "he's a prick, but you'll get used to it"
-
I'm making a fortune out of selling home security systems.
The sale is easy. All I do is say "Hello."
At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
Some much darker ones. You have been warned...
My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant.
She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink.
In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.
-
A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper.
Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles.
Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."
-
I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks.
Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side:
'24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said.
Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear.
"Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.
-
I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair.
She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. '
' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.
-
My wife has lost three babies this year.
She's on a final written warning at the nursery.
My sister held one of those 'gender reveal' parties when she was pregnant.
She popped the balloons, and the glitter was pink.
In hindsight she should've gone with blue, as her daughter was stillborn.
-
A priest gets onto his train and finds his seat, opposite a heavily pregnant lady. She stops knitting to nod hello, and the priest nods back as he takes out his thermos and newspaper.
Over the course of the journey, he can't help but notice over his paper that every ten minutes the lady stops knitting, takes out a bottle of tablets, pops two, then goes back to her needles.
Eventually, curiosity gets the better of him, and he spies on her pill-popping, and he's shocked to see that the bottle is marked Thalydomide. Stopping her, he stammers "Eh-excuse me m-miss, but don'y you know t-that thal-thalydomide can s-s-seriously harm your b-baby?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I can't do sleeves."
-
I was walking by the railway line the other day when I noticed a bright yellow phone box by the tracks.
Moving closer, I was able to read the words on the side:
'24/7 Suicide Helpline' it said.
Out of curiosity, I picked up the receiver and put it to my ear.
"Now lay down on the tracks," said the voice on the other end.
-
I told the woman sitting in front of me in the bus that she had semen on the back of her hair.
She smiled and said, ' It's probably just shampoo. '
' I don't ejaculate shampoo, ' I replied.
-
My wife has lost three babies this year.
She's on a final written warning at the nursery.
Fashion expert Andy Cups has developed a new bra that prevents ladies breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric in cold weather.
After a news conference announcing the launch a large group of men took Mr Cups outside and kicked the s
t out of him.
After a news conference announcing the launch a large group of men took Mr Cups outside and kicked the s
t out of him.Monkeylegend said:
I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6am and drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.
Then go home for a mid-morning nap, before going to the Post Office or supermarket to cause a queue during the lunch time rush.Then going home for an afternoon nap, before going out for a very slow drive between 4pm and 6pm.
This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
1. Taxi
2. Un cœur en hiver
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Sex with Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
1. Taxi
2. Un cœur en hiver
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Sex with Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
With acknowledgements to Tam Cowan in the Sunday Post
My wife wanted me to get her a Siamese cat for her birthday. Found out they cost £4000.00, so i went to the local rescue centre got two normal ones and glued their heads together
I ought an aeroplane yesterday . The assistant asked me if i wanted to keep the hanger
I saw a magician ask a woman to pick a card, any card
She took his Visa
People say 'I love you' are the three greatest words in the English Language, but only because we haven't had the chance to say 'Shark eats Farage'
A 10yr old boy in Bolivia with a rare medical condition has 'died' 50 times,
The world record however, is still held by Lenny Henry
My wife wanted me to get her a Siamese cat for her birthday. Found out they cost £4000.00, so i went to the local rescue centre got two normal ones and glued their heads together
I ought an aeroplane yesterday . The assistant asked me if i wanted to keep the hanger
I saw a magician ask a woman to pick a card, any card
She took his Visa
People say 'I love you' are the three greatest words in the English Language, but only because we haven't had the chance to say 'Shark eats Farage'
A 10yr old boy in Bolivia with a rare medical condition has 'died' 50 times,
The world record however, is still held by Lenny Henry
vaud said:
This maths test can predict your favourite film. Not sure how it works but it does. Mine was Star Wars.
Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
1. Taxi
2. Un cœur en hiver
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Sex with Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
It appears that I'm a Welshman from Thailand Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the 2 digits together.
Now discover your favourite film!
1. Taxi
2. Un cœur en hiver
3. Oliver Twist.
4. Star Wars.
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The Joy of Sex with Sheep & Oiled-Up Lady Boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
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