Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

Master Of Puppets

3,250 posts

61 months

Wednesday 8th March 2023
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I’ve just arrived at the hospital and the attendant said: ‘You can't park there, it's for badge holders.'

I replied: 'That's why I've come to hospital, my shoulder aint too good.’

Skyedriver

17,655 posts

281 months

Wednesday 8th March 2023
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Master Of Puppets said:
I’ve just arrived at the hospital and the attendant said: ‘You can't park there, it's for badge holders.'

I replied: 'That's why I've come to hospital, my shoulder aint too good.’
Had to read that a few times before I got it

StevieBee

12,788 posts

254 months

Wednesday 8th March 2023
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Anyone see Dragons Den the other night? There was this bloke who'd invented an Air Freshener that's controlled by the power of thought!

Sounds daft but makes sense when you think about it.

Regbuser

3,317 posts

34 months

Wednesday 8th March 2023
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I think he was blowing smoke up their arse

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin. They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Scotsman cries, "how big are your rats?!"

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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The Canadian asks his Scot cousin "So why did you come to visit, anyway?"

The Scotsman replies "Well, I was in a pub and saw a sign that said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot."

Halmyre

11,147 posts

138 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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Two locals are in a bar in Tobermory, drinking steadily. Eventually they strike up a conversation.

"So, where do ye stay?"
"Ah'm from Tobermory"
"Is that right, I'm a Tobermory man myself. Whereabouts in Tobermory?"
"On the main street."
"I'm on the main street too. Down by the harbour."
"Me too. Small world, eh?"

Another local comes in and says to the barman, "how's it going tonight?"

"Ach", says the barman, "the McLeod brothers are pissed again".

bristolbaron

4,756 posts

211 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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Halmyre said:
Two locals are in a bar in Tobermory, drinking steadily. Eventually they strike up a conversation.

"So, where do ye stay?"
"Ah'm from Tobermory"
"Is that right, I'm a Tobermory man myself. Whereabouts in Tobermory?"
"On the main street."
"I'm on the main street too. Down by the harbour."
"Me too. Small world, eh?"

Another local comes in and says to the barman, "how's it going tonight?"

"Ach", says the barman, "the McLeod brothers are pissed again".

Pixelpeep Electric

8,600 posts

141 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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I wonder if mystic Meg saw that one coming?!

MartG

20,619 posts

203 months

Thursday 9th March 2023
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Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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Pieman68

4,264 posts

233 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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Pixelpeep Electric said:
I went to a nightclub last night that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves.... it was Mordor on the dancefloor!
Sophie Elliis-Bextor was found dead in the living room of a former French international footballer

Apparently it was Murder on Zidane's floor

Pixelpeep Electric

8,600 posts

141 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.

GAjon

3,721 posts

212 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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Pixelpeep Electric said:
My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.
Is that a wind up?

Pixelpeep Electric

8,600 posts

141 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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GAjon said:
Pixelpeep Electric said:
My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.
Is that a wind up?
If you've got a digital watch, your days are numbered!

scoobyc

565 posts

230 months

Friday 10th March 2023
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Pixelpeep Electric said:
My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.
He must be delighted, he'll be like a dog with 2 clocks...

Skyedriver

17,655 posts

281 months

Saturday 11th March 2023
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scoobyc said:
Pixelpeep Electric said:
My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.
He must be delighted, he'll be like a dog with 2 clocks...
Dick dock, dick dock,...

Nimby

4,572 posts

149 months

Saturday 11th March 2023
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scoobyc said:
Pixelpeep Electric said:
My Uncle has two Dobermans, one called Rolex and the other called Timex. They're watch dogs.
He must be delighted, he'll be like a dog with 2 clocks...
Clocker spaniels.

MartG

20,619 posts

203 months

Saturday 11th March 2023
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Stealthracer

7,636 posts

177 months

Saturday 11th March 2023
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I've just discovered that I can send messages on my phone with either hand.

I must be ambitextrous.