Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Monkeylegend]

My grandfather had shrapnel injuries when captured and put in a POW camp during WW11.

He had to have a leg then an arm amputated.

The Commandant accused him of trying to escape bit by bit.

[Sticks.]

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

When he was ill we put goose grease on his back. He went downhill quickly after that.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

Sticks. said:

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

I like that one. Given my reputation on here i don't know what that says about you and your joke

[Sticks.]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Sticks. said:

We call our grandad Spiderman. Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

I like that one. Given my reputation on here i don't know what that says about you and your joke

Thanks very much. Yes, it is one of my better ones

[Muntu]

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[Earl of Hazzard]

Muntu said:

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[Skyedriver]

Earl of Hazzard said:

Muntu said:

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

[rowley birkin]

My p e n I s was in the Guinness book of world records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out

[Still Mulling]

Skyedriver said:

Earl of Hazzard said:

Muntu said:

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed

Mrs SM and I are chuckling hard to that one!

[Wacky Racer]

Monkeylegend said:

My grandfather had shrapnel injuries when captured and put in a POW camp during WW11.

He had to have a leg then an arm amputated.

The Commandant accused him of trying to escape bit by bit.

What did the Gestapo officer say to the broken down Grandfather clock?


"Vee haf vays of makin' you tok"

[Wacky Racer]

Dracoro said:

My granddad died at a Nazi concentration camp..... Silly idiot fell out of his watchtower.

[Sticks.]

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey.

But now I've turned myself around, because that's what it's all about.

The man who invented the hokey cokey died recently. Apparently the undertakers had trouble getting him into a coffin. They put the left leg in and.....

[elanfan]

Knees bent arms stretched….

[Vipers]

Wacky Racer said:

What did the Gestapo officer say to the broken down Grandfather clock?


"Vee haf vays of makin' you tok"

Same punch line from the Swiss watch factory, but just as good.

[Vipers]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ray, wake up! You've st the bed!"

[rodericb]

ha ha that's ace!

[Sticks.]

Good one Vipers, not heard that before

[Vipers]

Sticks. said:

Good one Vipers, not heard that before

Thanks guys, but I always remember I am but the mesenger spreading laughter, hopefully

[Master Of Puppets]

When Admiral Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.

[Gadgetmac]

Grandad was telling me about the war and how he took out ten soldiers with one artillery shot.

And that was before he was deployed.