Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Stealthracer]

Patient: "I'm having problems with my hearing."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Patient: "Homer is a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair."

[generationx]

Stealthracer said:

Patient: "I'm having problems with my hearing."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Patient: "Homer is a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair."

[Still Mulling]

Stealthracer said:

Patient: "I'm having problems with my hearing."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Patient: "Homer is a fat guy, and Marge has blue hair."

[grumpy52]

This popped up on a VOSA funnies site .

[Caruso]

Isn’t it ironic that only one company has the rights to make the Monopoly board game.

[Dracoro]

Caruso said:

Isn’t it ironic that only one company has the rights to make the Monopoly board game.

Surely the opposite of ironic… Ironic would be a game called Anti-Monopoly being sold by only one company,…

[turbobloke]

Dracoro said:

Caruso said:

Isn’t it ironic that only one company has the rights to make the Monopoly board game.

Surely the opposite of ironic… Ironic would be a game called Anti-Monopoly being sold by only one company,…

New board game: Monopsony. The irony would be lots of buyers.

[Monkeylegend]

Probably more ironic that there was only one Monopolies Commission when it existed.

[Voldemort]

A man walks into a brothel
He says to the madam, “Hi I’m a traveling businessman, I’ve been on the road for weeks. I’ll pay £100 for the worst blowjob in the house.”
She says, “The worst?… for £100 you can get the best blowjob in the house!”
He says, “No it’s all right, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

[john2443]

Stealthracer said:

Took my violin to have a new bridge fitted yesterday. The guy in the shop looked at it and said,
"Do you realise this instrument is over a hundred and fifty years old?"

I said, "Well I can't afford a new one."

Yes, I gave Yehudi me new un.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yehudi_Menuhin

[Jonquil]

What's the difference between a bad marksman and
a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit...

[ChemicalChaos]

Jonquil said:

What's the difference between a bad marksman and
a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit...

What's the difference between a JCB and a camel?
One has hydraulics, the other has high bks

[Wacky Racer]

[GloverMart]

Wacky Racer said:

Very good!

[GeneralBanter]

Jonquil said:

What's the difference between a bad marksman and
a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit...

Circa 1975. Nice.

[rodericb]

Jonquil said:

What's the difference between a bad marksman and
a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit...

What's the difference between a draft horse and a war horse?

The war horse darts into the fray.

[littleowl]

Philip Schofield has turned down the jobs at both Leeds Utd & Spurs as he fears both could damage his reputation.

[john2443]

Jonquil said:

What's the difference between a bad marksman and
a constipated owl?
One shoots and can't hit...

Difference between a run in the fields and Piers Morgan looking in his kitchen food cupboard.

One's a pant in the country...

[vaud]

john2443 said:

Difference between a run in the fields and Piers Morgan looking in his kitchen food cupboard.

One's a pant in the country...

“Countryside - To kill Piers Morgan”

― Graeme Garden, The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary: I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

[hairy v]