Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[paua]

I ran out of olives, today.
It's a kalamati.

[GloverMart]

Master Of Puppets said:

My wife was concerned that my Sinead O’Connor obsession was getting out of hand.

So I went to the doctors.

Guess what he told me?

Guess what he told me?

I went birdwatching with Sinead a few years ago.

After a few hours, I said to her "So how many have we seen then?"

She replied "It's been seven owls and fifteen jays!!"

[MartG]

[Vipers]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

[MartG]

[havoc]

MartG said:

Golgafrincham Ark B.

[Rayny]

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

[Vipers]

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

Finger trouble.............................. again good spotting

[NRG1976]

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

Wait until you meet their sister called Flop…

[paua]

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

A pair of flatheads at cross purposes.

[Super Sonic]

A white horse walks into a pub. The barman says 'we have a whiskey named after you' The horse says 'excellent, I'll have a large Dobbin and sode'

[Master Of Puppets]

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your manhood when you're thinking about me naked!".

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

[Skyedriver]

MartG said:

Stolen for my FB header

[48k]

Master Of Puppets said:

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your manhood when you're thinking about me naked!".

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

[epom]

48k said:

Master Of Puppets said:

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as your manhood when you're thinking about me naked!".

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass....."

Liking that one too

[Rayny]

paua said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

A pair of flatheads at cross purposes.

What - The screwdrivers, or Vipers and his alter-ego...

[MartG]

[remedy]

Rayny said:

paua said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

A pair of flatheads at cross purposes.

What - The screwdrivers, or Vipers and his alter-ego...

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a screwdriver.
I didn't win but I did turn a few heads.

[Rayny]

remedy said:

Rayny said:

paua said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says -

"Hey!, we have a drink named after you"

To which the screwdriver replies "You have a drink named Phillip?"

Twin screwdrivers, and both named Phillip - Just what were their parents?

A pair of flatheads at cross purposes.

What - The screwdrivers, or Vipers and his alter-ego...

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a screwdriver.
I didn't win but I did turn a few heads.

I giggled like a schoolboy - Sometimes I forget that I'm a grown up

[Vipers]

Guy driving through the countryside and his car spluttered and came to a stop.

He lifted the bonnet, as you do, and heard a voice saying “Check the plug leads”

He looked around and there was no one there, checked the plug leads and found some were loose, tightened them up and it fired up first time and he carried to the village.

That evening he is chatting to the barman and related the episode with his brake down and the voice saying check the plug leads and no one being there.

Barman said “Was there a white horse in the field?”

Bloke said “Now I think about it, there was”

Barman said “You were very lucky sir”

Bloke said “Why?”

Barman said “The black one knows nothing about cars”

Edited by Vipers on Monday 11th November 21:38