Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[grumpy52]

K87 said:

Sporky said:

K87 said:

I think that is where I have been going wrong, I would have waited until she had finished.

A gentleman always lets the lady finish first.

As long as she does the drying up.

I could never understand the old saying that a gentleman used his knees and elbows .... then I discovered that girls were nice to play with !

[Skyedriver]

MartG said:

That gives me flashbacks and nightmares

[Europa Jon]

captain_cynic said:

wildwesthero said:

A couple of budget airlines have crashed.

Budget Airlines?

I though they only rented cars.

That's probably why they crashed!

[Master Of Puppets]

I just found a tiny bird shivering and cold as I walked home, so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival.

When I showed the wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so kind and sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a kiss & a cuddle,
seeing as she was in a good mood.

She said "No, not in front of the chilled wren".

[MartG]

[Ultra Sound Guy]

A Seasonal joke!

When I was in my twenties I had a little too much "fun" at the office Christmas party. Knowing the police were on special alert, I did what they say you should do - I took a cab home.

This proved to be a wise decision, because after only a few blocks there was a police roadblock. They were checking drivers with a breathalyser!

But the taxi, being a taxi, was waved right on through. So it was a good decision to take a cab.

Plus, it was easier than I thought, and fun driving a cab. It’s really just like any other car.

But now I have this taxi in my garage and I still don’t know what to do with it.

[havoc]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

A Seasonal joke!

When I was young it was a bus.

...but you don't see them very often anymore, so it would probably draw more suspicion.

[mac96]

havoc said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

A Seasonal joke!

When I was young it was a bus.

...but you don't see them very often anymore, so it would probably draw more suspicion.

I thought the bus version was the one where he goes to steal a bus, but gives up because he can't find a No 10?

[GeneralBanter]

mac96 said:

I thought the bus version was the one where he goes to steal a bus, but gives up because he can't find a No 10?

Haha that’s a good joke variation

[Master Of Puppets]

The other day I noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

Anyway, she made a complaint and now I’m banned from the gym and I'm due to appear in court next week.

[epom]

The priests always said doing too much of that would make you go blind.

[MartG]

[MartG]

[boyse7en]

GeneralBanter said:

mac96 said:

I thought the bus version was the one where he goes to steal a bus, but gives up because he can't find a No 10?

Haha that’s a good joke variation

Jethro's version (don't know if his is the original)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9REbSZtaksM

[Still Mulling]

MartG said:

It's missing the lighter and fuel.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

Advice please.

I'm taking a break from Dec 23rd to Jan 3rd and would love to go to a tranquil place, no crowds, preferably very warm with quiet beaches.

Ideally an all-inclusive type thing. I intend to spend around £12,000 - £15,000 between accommodation and food to relax and enjoy the end of what has been one heck of a year!

Does anyone know where I can get the money??

[MartG]

[grumpy52]

[Legacywr]

[MartG]