Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

Author
Discussion

Ultra Sound Guy

28,879 posts

204 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’warm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where theSchwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing uptheir own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Steve vRS

5,084 posts

251 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’warm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where theSchwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing uptheir own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Some good ones there. Tim Vine?

Still Mulling

13,803 posts

187 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
An enjoyable set yes

Ultra Sound Guy

28,879 posts

204 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Wacky Racer

39,325 posts

257 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.
“Here is your first question,” the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number nine.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says. “That’s easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine,” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree. That makes 99.”

“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.
The boss looks at Paddy’s picture. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “a little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100!”

Abbott

2,707 posts

213 months

Friday 10th January
quotequote all
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’warm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where theSchwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing uptheir own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
Surprised there are CDO comments about the layout

Skyedriver

19,581 posts

292 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Abbott said:
Surprised there are CDO comments about the layout
TBH I nearly did suggest a rearrangement but trying to suggest which ones should go where tired my brain too much.

Monkeylegend

27,390 posts

241 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Abbott said:
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgrun.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’war.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the pric.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses o.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone arou..

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a sc.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buc.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the .

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end .

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will t.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me .

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh.

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really h.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a .

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, th.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where theSchwarznegger dolls are and h.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing uptheir own incision? Suture,

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin aware.
Surprised there are CDO comments about the layout
Sorted.

Ultra Sound Guy

28,879 posts

204 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

(No rearranging required!)

daqinggregg

3,706 posts

139 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a bit miffed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


MartG

21,441 posts

214 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven. God meets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”

Still Mulling

13,803 posts

187 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Enjoyed the last two hehe

Ultra Sound Guy

28,879 posts

204 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Laurel Green

30,882 posts

242 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all

GeneralBanter

1,146 posts

25 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
MartG said:
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven. God meets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”
Excellent.

Wacky Racer

39,325 posts

257 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all

Mandat

4,057 posts

248 months

Saturday 11th January
quotequote all
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?

daqinggregg

3,706 posts

139 months

Sunday 12th January
quotequote all
The lads went on a motorbike tour. ...

No one wanted to share a room with James, because he snored so like a pig. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy shared a room with James and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "James snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different chap’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that James shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep a wink."

The third night was Roger’s turn. He was a gnary, older biker, a lad’s lad. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Roger, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked James in, I slapped him on the backside, and kissed him good night.

”James sat up all night, watching me."


GeneralBanter

1,146 posts

25 months

Sunday 12th January
quotequote all
Mandat said:
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?
No idea haven’t seen on one here for ages.

Rayny

1,493 posts

211 months

Sunday 12th January
quotequote all
GeneralBanter said:
Mandat said:
Who says that racist jokes can't be funny?
No idea haven’t seen on one here for ages.
I, and I'm sure many others, thought that Wacky Racers Chinese pirate was funny