Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Lexington59]

[Sticks.]

I was rushed to A&E this morning with a Morphy Richards steam iron stuck up my backside.

‘Good heavens’ exclaimed the doctor, ‘I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that’?

‘Well, it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present’.

[Dr Interceptor]

[GloverMart]

Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Candidate: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

[blearyeyedboy]

Dr Interceptor said:

Have a from me.

[Pixelpeep 135]

vaud said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

I’ve joined a dating website for arsonists, they send me new matches every week

Worthy of Pixelpeep.

Oi! I resemble that remark!

In other news...

Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes its the only way out of a rock climbing accident

[GloverMart]

I went into my local printers and said;

"I need a 2 metre ‘A’, a 2 metre ‘S’ and a 2 metre ‘K’ and I need them by tomorrow…”

He said, "I'll see what I can do but it's a big ask...”

[Monkeylegend]

Welcome to the annual meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous, it's good to see so many new faces.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a Trebuchet is?

[Monkeylegend]

I was feeling a bit flush after a win on the horses so have bought a new toilet.

[Pixelpeep 135]

Thread drought !!

Don't worry though. I am back.

If I was a WWE wrestler I'd call myself "The Paper" . . . . Then I'd beat "The Rock" every time

[Alpacaman]

Apologies in advance for the spelling-

[Philippines]

Why did the Dermatologist get fired from his job?

Because he was making too many rash decisions.

[Philippines]

I've got a clock with 60 pictures of Mat Damon around its face.
There's one Bourne every minute.

[Philippines]

I recently attended a football match in Japan.
At the end of 90 minutes they all started doing martial arts. I said to my friend " what's going on " he replied " they are now into ninjury time.


The TV show Casualty is now up to series No 34.

To keep it true to life, some of the patients from series No 1 are just being seen.

Edited by Philippines on Wednesday 15th June 08:20

[Stealthracer]

Took the violin to have a new bridge fitted this morning. Guy in the shop looked at it and said, "Do you realise this instrument is nearly 150 years old?"

I said, "Well I can't afford a new one."

[a_dreamer]

A mate in work has mice in his loft and the noise they make keeps him up at night.

I told him to go up in his loft and cover the whole area in wd40. It won't kill the mice, be it will stop them squeaking.

[a_dreamer]

With covid cases up 65% fair play to the Tories for quickly stopping the spread on public transport

[Legacywr]

I was sat on the edge of my bed last night pulling off my boxers and my wife said ‘For gods sake Fred you bloody spoil those dogs!’

[Pixelpeep 135]

You are not allowed to run in the camp site at Glastonbury. This is because it should be 'Ran' as it's past-tents