Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[havoc]

brownspeed said:

Took me a while;
1) Dis-assed-her
2) (crotches) as he has no legs, the highest he can reach is the crotch

Exactly why I liked them...took me a few seconds each for light to dawn between my ears...

[ThunderSpook]

Maybe they work better when spoken.

[havoc]

ThunderSpook said:

Maybe they work better when spoken.

Do you not hear a voice in your head when reading?

[ThunderSpook]

havoc said:

ThunderSpook said:

Maybe they work better when spoken.

Do you not hear a voice in your head when reading?

I do, but I suspect it has better pronunciation than required for the joke

[havoc]

ThunderSpook said:

I do, but I suspect it has better pronunciation than required for the joke

I think the first one works best with a Home Counties type of accent - the soft 'a' rather than the harder, clipped 'a', and a proper 'er' at the end not a quasi-'a'.

The second I think you sort of have to take as read (no pun intended) that the two words are often confused.

[Voldemort]

havoc said:

ThunderSpook said:

I do, but I suspect it has better pronunciation than required for the joke

I think the first one works best with a Home Counties type of accent - the soft 'a' rather than the harder, clipped 'a', and a proper 'er' at the end not a quasi-'a'.

The second I think you sort of have to take as read (no pun intended) that the two words are often confused.

[Supersam83]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says:

"I'll have 5 beers please."

[GloverMart]

I told a mate I'd just spent a weekend in Poole.

He asked "In Dorset"?

I said "Oh yes, I'd recommend it to anyone"

[48k]

straight dad said:

Not a lot of people know this but the singer Bill Withers had a brother called Bear, who wrote telephone hold music.

Footballer Danny Welbeck's father Stan was an Army Bomb Disposal expert.

[rev-erend]

Just a question:

Is Blair sitting on Trumps "Palestine board of peace" an oxymoron?

[Vipers]

A dad walks into his 12 year old son’s bedroom and is shocked to see a 52” top of the range latest flat screen TV.

When his son comes home the dad confronts him about the TV.

“Did you steal it?”

“No dad I bought it with my hiking money”

“Hiking mony, what is that?, you dont hike”

The boy shrugged his shoulders and said

“Well every time your out, Uncle Jim comes round to see mum, gives me twenty quid and tells me to take a hike”

[ferret50]

Vipers said:

A dad walks into his 12 year old son s bedroom and is shocked to see a 52 top of the range latest flat screen TV.

When his son comes home the dad confronts him about the TV.

Did you steal it?

No dad I bought it with my hiking money

Hiking mony, what is that?, you dont hike

The boy shrugged his shoulders and said

Well every time your out, Uncle Jim comes round to see mum, gives me twenty quid and tells me to take a hike

Like!

[silverfoxcc]

rev-erend said:

Just a question:

Is Blair sitting on Trumps "Palestine board of peace" an moron?

Amended

[Monkeylegend]

silverfoxcc said:

rev-erend said:

Just a question:

Is Blair sitting on Trumps "Palestine board of peace" a moron?

Amended

Amended.

[Blib]

A man has been shot with a starter pistol and then beaten with a relay baton.

Police believe the attack may be race related.

[captain_cynic]

The starting pistol was invented by Karl Marx sister, Onya.

Edited by captain_cynic on Thursday 2nd October 14:28

[MartG]

[shakotan]

captain_cynic said:

The starting pistol was invented by Karl Marc sister, Onya.

Who is Karl Marc?

[MartG]

[mac96]

MartG said:

That surely is AI!