Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
An ugly old lady went to an auction sale. There
she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage.
The parrot was large, very healthy looking and
exquisitely colored. The old lady was so attracted by the parrot's appearance that she couldn't help but bid on it.
She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high.
The old lady eventually bought the parrot. She was at the cashier's desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk.
The parrot spoke up, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high.
The old lady eventually bought the parrot. She was at the cashier's desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk.
The parrot spoke up, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
The kids keep finding their Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I put them up in the attic, so I did that last night.....
Literally, I had no sleep! All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, “it’s too dark,” and wanting to be let back down.
Any other suggestions, please??
Literally, I had no sleep! All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, “it’s too dark,” and wanting to be let back down.
Any other suggestions, please??
GloverMart said:
The kids keep finding their Christmas presents that I have hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I put them up in the attic, so I did that last night.....
Literally, I had no sleep! All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, it s too dark, and wanting to be let back down.
Any other suggestions, please??
They should be up twelve days before, & twelve days after Christmas.Literally, I had no sleep! All I could hear was them crying and moaning about spiders, it s too dark, and wanting to be let back down.
Any other suggestions, please??
GloverMart said:
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Optional ending"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and 4 cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"Well, they brought tears to my eyes"
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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