Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness. god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Rules for car maintenance;
Give her a good going over at regular intervals.
Grease her nipples well.
When running her in,,, break Her in gently.
Her clutch should not be too hairy.
Wax her body all over.
If you should strike her rear end - say sorry.
Check her load bearing capacity... too much weight can impede her performance.
If she loses her spark, she may be suffering from high tension troubles.
Never take her too fast up the straight... warm her up gently first.
Keep fingertip control at all times.
Her big ends should be kept well oiled.
Don't leave your tool hanging about.
Give her a re-bore when necessary... and a good grind-in.
If she sags when climbing, giver her a boost...and see if She's got any good points.
Check her body for blemishes, and touch her up where necessary.
Remember, If you can't get it in first time...don't force it.
NB: This is a very old T-Towel.
Give her a good going over at regular intervals.
Grease her nipples well.
When running her in,,, break Her in gently.
Her clutch should not be too hairy.
Wax her body all over.
If you should strike her rear end - say sorry.
Check her load bearing capacity... too much weight can impede her performance.
If she loses her spark, she may be suffering from high tension troubles.
Never take her too fast up the straight... warm her up gently first.
Keep fingertip control at all times.
Her big ends should be kept well oiled.
Don't leave your tool hanging about.
Give her a re-bore when necessary... and a good grind-in.
If she sags when climbing, giver her a boost...and see if She's got any good points.
Check her body for blemishes, and touch her up where necessary.
Remember, If you can't get it in first time...don't force it.
NB: This is a very old T-Towel.
Edited by Milkyway on Sunday 7th December 12:01
My Boss said he needed really hard workers.
So I took two viagras instead of one.
A woman finds a genie
She says, "I want to be young again."
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
What s the difference between a prostitute , a Mistress, and a Wife?
The prostitute says:, aren t you done yet? the Mistress says: are you done already?! and the wife says: I think the ceiling needs painting
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
As he's sipping his drink, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie!" He looks around, but there's nobody nearby who could've said it. A few minutes later, he hears, "Beautiful shirt!" Again, he looks around, but he can't find anyone who might've spoken. A few more minutes pass, and he hears, "Great haircut!" This time, he decides to investigate. He asks the bartender, "Did you hear those voices?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
Wife: NNNNNNNN
[gently roll her on her side]
Wife: ZZZZZZZZ
I just a read a thing about how crows have started lose their ability to communicate
Scientist are scrambling trying to find the caws
I don't like the word fat
I prefer to be called "Panoramic"
Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people.
Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself.
So I took two viagras instead of one.
A woman finds a genie
She says, "I want to be young again."
- poof*
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
- poof*
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
- poof*
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
What s the difference between a prostitute , a Mistress, and a Wife?
The prostitute says:, aren t you done yet? the Mistress says: are you done already?! and the wife says: I think the ceiling needs painting
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
As he's sipping his drink, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie!" He looks around, but there's nobody nearby who could've said it. A few minutes later, he hears, "Beautiful shirt!" Again, he looks around, but he can't find anyone who might've spoken. A few more minutes pass, and he hears, "Great haircut!" This time, he decides to investigate. He asks the bartender, "Did you hear those voices?"
The bartender replies, "Oh, that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."
Wife: NNNNNNNN
[gently roll her on her side]
Wife: ZZZZZZZZ
I just a read a thing about how crows have started lose their ability to communicate
Scientist are scrambling trying to find the caws
I don't like the word fat
I prefer to be called "Panoramic"
Running in your late 50s-60s is a great way to meet people.
Today a friend of mine met a paramedic, 3 nurses, a cardiologist, and nearly met Jesus himself.
Edited by vaud on Sunday 7th December 16:00
vaud said:
<Snipped for relevance>
A woman finds a genie
She says, "I want to be young again."
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
<Snipped for brevity>
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
.
I see that you did complete the joke, but just a little later than expected A woman finds a genie
She says, "I want to be young again."
- poof*
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
- poof*
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
- poof*
<Snipped for brevity>
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
.
I liked the one about the crows, and the one about rolling the wife over which took a little while to sink in to this befuddled old brain of mine.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked,
"Really and what four little animals would that be?
"The little girl said,
"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked,
"Really and what four little animals would that be?
"The little girl said,
"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
Wullie was shooting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
“Well, Wullie , I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the shot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked Wullie ?
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your P*n*s which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” Wullie replied.
“Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” asked Wullie
“Not exactly answered the doctor………
“She’s a flute player in the Orchestra.
She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pish in your eye.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
“Well, Wullie , I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the shot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked Wullie ?
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your P*n*s which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” Wullie replied.
“Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” asked Wullie
“Not exactly answered the doctor………
“She’s a flute player in the Orchestra.
She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pish in your eye.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep
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