Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
I'm still looking for their name.a_dreamer said:
As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?.
To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"
Sounds like my work colleague / drinking buddy when we went to a fancy dress party.To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"
Lots of people commented, that he looked better as a woman.
He took that as a compliment & couldn't wait for another party.
(Even had little earpieces in his bra.)
Del or Della
Edited by Milkyway on Sunday 14th December 14:23
A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had the chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question. I'll get back to you with an answer.”
So the couple wait... and wait... Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, good news! Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come right in and enjoy eternity together.”
The couple then asks, "One more thing. Eternity is a long time... if things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”
Peter throws up his hands and says, "Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here — do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had the chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question. I'll get back to you with an answer.”
So the couple wait... and wait... Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, good news! Yes, you can get married in Heaven. Come right in and enjoy eternity together.”
The couple then asks, "One more thing. Eternity is a long time... if things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”
Peter throws up his hands and says, "Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here — do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
For reasons unknown to mankind, I remembered this old when I was cleaning the shower, some may relate to it
Three men are discussing why they love their wives, a Dane, a Swede and a Norweigian.
The Dane says "I love my wife, she has a tiny waist and when I put my hands around her, my fingers and thumbs touch"
The Swede says "I love my wife, she has really long legs and when she rides the donkey on the beach her feet touch the sand"
The Norweigian says "I love my wife, when I go to work I smack her arse and it ripples, when I come home it it still rippling, not that I have big hands or she has a fat arse, but in Norway we have such short working days"
Three men are discussing why they love their wives, a Dane, a Swede and a Norweigian.
The Dane says "I love my wife, she has a tiny waist and when I put my hands around her, my fingers and thumbs touch"
The Swede says "I love my wife, she has really long legs and when she rides the donkey on the beach her feet touch the sand"
The Norweigian says "I love my wife, when I go to work I smack her arse and it ripples, when I come home it it still rippling, not that I have big hands or she has a fat arse, but in Norway we have such short working days"
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
NoddyonNitrous said:
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
motco said:
NoddyonNitrous said:
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
Gladers01 said:
motco said:
NoddyonNitrous said:
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
The American diplomats go into a corner for a few minutes. They tell to the undertaker they want Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled. "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?"
A diplomat replies: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
Vipers said:
For reasons unknown to mankind, I remembered this old when I was cleaning the shower, some may relate to it
Three men are discussing why they love their wives, a Dane, a Swede and a Norweigian.
The Dane says "I love my wife, she has a tiny waist and when I put my hands around her, my fingers and thumbs touch"
The Swede says "I love my wife, she has really long legs and when she rides the donkey on the beach her feet touch the sand"
The Norweigian says "I love my wife, when I go to work I smack her arse and it ripples, when I come home it it still rippling, not that I have big hands or she has a fat arse, but in Norway we have such short working days"
As an old retired fellow, your working day no longer exists Three men are discussing why they love their wives, a Dane, a Swede and a Norweigian.
The Dane says "I love my wife, she has a tiny waist and when I put my hands around her, my fingers and thumbs touch"
The Swede says "I love my wife, she has really long legs and when she rides the donkey on the beach her feet touch the sand"
The Norweigian says "I love my wife, when I go to work I smack her arse and it ripples, when I come home it it still rippling, not that I have big hands or she has a fat arse, but in Norway we have such short working days"
What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade and we spent the whole night in bed together.
Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.
Pros: prose. Cons: cons.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade and we spent the whole night in bed together.
Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
Pros and cons of working as the prison librarian.
Pros: prose. Cons: cons.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Rayny said:
As an old retired fellow, your working day no longer exists
Ha! tell that to the missis 
I first heard that at an offshore seminar in Aberdeen in the mid 80's the front row were all noggies, first speaker was a doctor who always told a joke before he went into his presentation.
Well when he finished that joke, the audotorium erupted in laughter, apparantly none of the noggies even smiled......
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