Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
vaud said:
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Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade and we spent the whole night in bed together.
Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
<snipped for brevity>
Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade and we spent the whole night in bed together.
Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.
<snipped for brevity>
I liked that one, but in some American States (and probably in Norfolk as well as in West Sussex) that would be a personal anecdote, rather than a joke.
The air inside the private cabin of the Caledonian Sleeper train was crisp, a sharp contrast to the swirling blizzard visible through the window as they raced toward the frosted mountains of Scotland. The train was warm, but the heavy, velvet curtains couldn't quite stop the deep chill of the winter night.
A man and women unknown to eachother were assigned the same cabin to sleep in.
He, a handsome, dark-haired man with a charming, easy smile, was assigned the upper berth. She, a stunning, impeccably dressed woman with eyes the color of a winter sky, took the lower. Having never met, they shared a polite but strained silence before the rumble of the train and the exhaustion of the journey quickly drew them both to sleep.
Around 1:00 AM, with the train cutting through a landscape covered in pristine, deep snow, the man leaned down from his bunk.
"Ma'am, I am so terribly sorry to wake you," he whispered, his voice a low, attractive murmur. "But I seem to have forgotten my dressing gown, and the chill is quite bitter. Would you be willing to reach into the cupboard below and grab me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
She slowly opened one eye, looked up at his appealing face framed in the dim, blue glow of the emergency light, and smiled.
"I have a much better idea, darling," she purred. "Given the romance of the snow and the privacy of this little cabin... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
His eyes widened, his handsome features alight with genuine surprise and delight. "Wow! That's a truly wonderful, absolutely marvelous idea!" he exclaimed softly.
"I'm glad you think so," she replied, pulling her luxurious cashmere blanket tighter. "Now, shut up and go get your own bloody blanket."
A man and women unknown to eachother were assigned the same cabin to sleep in.
He, a handsome, dark-haired man with a charming, easy smile, was assigned the upper berth. She, a stunning, impeccably dressed woman with eyes the color of a winter sky, took the lower. Having never met, they shared a polite but strained silence before the rumble of the train and the exhaustion of the journey quickly drew them both to sleep.
Around 1:00 AM, with the train cutting through a landscape covered in pristine, deep snow, the man leaned down from his bunk.
"Ma'am, I am so terribly sorry to wake you," he whispered, his voice a low, attractive murmur. "But I seem to have forgotten my dressing gown, and the chill is quite bitter. Would you be willing to reach into the cupboard below and grab me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
She slowly opened one eye, looked up at his appealing face framed in the dim, blue glow of the emergency light, and smiled.
"I have a much better idea, darling," she purred. "Given the romance of the snow and the privacy of this little cabin... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
His eyes widened, his handsome features alight with genuine surprise and delight. "Wow! That's a truly wonderful, absolutely marvelous idea!" he exclaimed softly.
"I'm glad you think so," she replied, pulling her luxurious cashmere blanket tighter. "Now, shut up and go get your own bloody blanket."
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland
A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...
Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"
Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.
"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".
"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.
One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"
Rayny said:
vaud said:
<snipped for brevity>
The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"
Not the usual combination of Grass and High - But it is a good one.The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"
guess that would confuse a lot of our younger readers though.My wife, Eliza, is, without hyperbole, the most stunning and poised woman in the world. She has this effortless grace—the kind that makes heads turn when she walks into a room—and an impressive, almost intimidating, ability to remain utterly calm under pressure. She once organized a black-tie gala and simultaneously repaired the kitchen plumbing without breaking a sweat.
Which is why, when she came sprinting in from the garden this afternoon, her normally perfectly styled, lustrous dark hair a little wind-swept, and her usual composure completely shattered, I knew something truly awful had happened.
"A SNAKE! A SNAKE!" she shrieked, skidding to a halt by the kitchen island, her elegant diamond tennis bracelet catching the light as she dramatically pointed back toward the French doors. Her eyes, usually a deep, calm hazel, were wide with sheer terror. I haven't seen her this flustered since the time the dry cleaner lost her favorite silk dress.
"Stay right there, darling!" I instructed, grabbing the nearest implement—a long-handled garden trowel—for defense. I had to protect my beautiful wife, after all. I cautiously crept out onto the patio.
I spotted the creature immediately: a little guy, maybe eighteen inches long, coiled up near her prize-winning petunias.
I brandished the trowel and, mustering my bravest voice, yelled at the top of my lungs: "Hey! You! What is seventeen plus thirty-two?"
The snake’s little head popped up. It gave me a long, calculating look, and then, in a distinct, low whisper, it hissed back, "Forty-nine."
I dropped the trowel, relieved.
"It's okay, Eliza! You can come out!" I shouted back toward the kitchen, wiping the sweat from my brow. "It's not poisonous, honey. It's only an adder!"
Which is why, when she came sprinting in from the garden this afternoon, her normally perfectly styled, lustrous dark hair a little wind-swept, and her usual composure completely shattered, I knew something truly awful had happened.
"A SNAKE! A SNAKE!" she shrieked, skidding to a halt by the kitchen island, her elegant diamond tennis bracelet catching the light as she dramatically pointed back toward the French doors. Her eyes, usually a deep, calm hazel, were wide with sheer terror. I haven't seen her this flustered since the time the dry cleaner lost her favorite silk dress.
"Stay right there, darling!" I instructed, grabbing the nearest implement—a long-handled garden trowel—for defense. I had to protect my beautiful wife, after all. I cautiously crept out onto the patio.
I spotted the creature immediately: a little guy, maybe eighteen inches long, coiled up near her prize-winning petunias.
I brandished the trowel and, mustering my bravest voice, yelled at the top of my lungs: "Hey! You! What is seventeen plus thirty-two?"
The snake’s little head popped up. It gave me a long, calculating look, and then, in a distinct, low whisper, it hissed back, "Forty-nine."
I dropped the trowel, relieved.
"It's okay, Eliza! You can come out!" I shouted back toward the kitchen, wiping the sweat from my brow. "It's not poisonous, honey. It's only an adder!"
It's the first day of the parapsychology class. The professor asks, "How many of you believe in ghosts?" All of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About 90% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About 20% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"
One hand in the back goes up.
"Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"
"And how many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About 90% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About 20% of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?"
One hand in the back goes up.
"Really!" says the professor. "I've been teaching this class for 15 years, and nobody has ever raised their hand to that question. Sir, could you please stand up and tell the class what it was like to have sex with a ghost?"
The man stands up and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I thought you said 'a goat.'"
a_dreamer said:
. "It's not poisonous, honey. It's only an adder!"
Double pedant time. Snakes are venomous, not poisonous. And adders are venomous.
I’ll get my coat.
Daddy snake and baby snake.
Baby snake; Daddy. Are we venomous?
Daddy snake; (proudly) we sure are son. One of the most venomous creatures on the planet.
Baby snake; oh. Oh dear.
Daddy snake; why, what’s the matter?
Baby snake; I just bit my tongue.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
Mr E said:
Double pedant time.
Snakes are venomous, not poisonous. And adders are venomous.
I ll get my coat.
Daddy snake and baby snake.
Baby snake; Daddy. Are we venomous?
Daddy snake; (proudly) we sure are son. One of the most venomous creatures on the planet.
Baby snake; oh. Oh dear.
Daddy snake; why, what s the matter?
Baby snake; I just bit my tongue.
Triple pedant time.Snakes are venomous, not poisonous. And adders are venomous.
I ll get my coat.
Daddy snake and baby snake.
Baby snake; Daddy. Are we venomous?
Daddy snake; (proudly) we sure are son. One of the most venomous creatures on the planet.
Baby snake; oh. Oh dear.
Daddy snake; why, what s the matter?
Baby snake; I just bit my tongue.
Snakes can’t talk.
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