Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[RDMcG]

vaud said:

Triple pedant time.

Snakes can t talk.

Well, they can do mathematics though.

At least if they're Adders.

[silverfoxcc]

I volunteer to drive a minicoach for disabled people and OAPs who cant get to the shops easily.
This time of year, we get bookings to take children groups to the local pantomime. My boss came up to me looking a bit worried, and i asked why. He said that they have got a booking from the local hospital to take 16 paranoid
schizophrenics to see it and couldn't find a driver that would do it. So I offered to help him out.
When i had dropped them off and got back to the depot he asked me 'How did it go?'
Told him, they were great, very polite, chatted to the staff and kids and well behaved, until the villian came on to creep up on Peter Pan and the audience shouted 'HE'S BEHIND YOU'

[silverfoxcc]

As a follow up i had to take a few of the OAPs to the local day centre for their Xmas lunch, and noticed that the decorations were a bit sparse. i asked why and was told that due to council cutbacks they really had to downsize esp for the games afterwards.In fact they could only afford a box of washing powder and had to wrap it in newspaper to play Pass the Persil

[silverfoxcc]

There is an orphanage that we have booking from and i got talking to one lad,and his story had me in tears.
He told me that he had an older brother and his parents really doted on him, gave him all good presents at Xmas and his birthdays encouraged him at school, and all he got was cheap tat,and had tpo wear his brothers cast offs. He didnt mind as he loved his mum and Dad even though he realised he wasnt a wanted child. Day trips he stayed at home while they took his brother out,and then one day he said it all Changed.... His Dad gave him some money to go to the picture. He couldnt believe his luck they were treating him for the firt time in his life, so off he ran to the cinema and found he had a bit of money left over ,so he decided to to buy his mum and dad a present each. Dad enjoyed reading Car Magazines,and mum loved chocoalte so he bought them with the last of his money ,and ran all home to surprise them and say thankyou. He knocked on the door.....................................and they had moved,

[silverfoxcc]

Two of my favourite Max Wall sayings
In his book 'The Fool on the Hill' chapter 5 was 2 lines long and went

I can never forget my second marriage

Dont think i Haven't tried.

And

'I lost both my parents when i was eight. What a card game that was'

[Rayny]

silverfoxcc said:

Two of my favourite Max Wall sayings
In his book 'The Fool on the Hill' chapter 5 was 2 lines long and went

I can never forget my second marriage

Dont think i Haven't tried.

And

'I lost both my parents when i was eight. What a card game that was'

Thanks for my morning smile.

[MartG]

I recently got a job in a factory making chess pieces.

I'm on Knights this week.

[a_dreamer]

The house groaned under the weight of a bitter winter gale. Outside, the skeletal branches of an oak tree scraped against the window, and the fence rattled rhythmically—a metallic, frantic clatter against the frozen ground.

A small hand tugged at my shoulder, dragging me out of a shallow sleep at 3:00 AM.

"I'm scared," a tiny, trembling voice whispered into the dark. "There’s a monster in my room. Can I sleep in here?"

I pulled the duvet tighter against the draft snaking through the window frame. "No chance," I replied, my voice muffled by the pillow. "I’m not risking that monster following you in here."

[MartG]

[a_dreamer]

Think I'm gonna lose my job.

I got in the lift at work at the end of the day today with a women who had a rather large chest. With all the end of year deadlines and work stresses I must have been staring at her breasts in a caffeinated daze when she said "please press one". I don't remember much after that.

[Radec]

a_dreamer said:

Think I'm gonna lose my job.

I got in the lift at work at the end of the day today with a women who had a rather large chest. With all the end of year deadlines and work stresses I must have been staring at her breasts in a caffeinated daze when she said "please press one". I don't remember much after that.

Should be ok unless you pressed the ground floor

[Billy Eyelash]

RDMcG said:

vaud said:

Triple pedant time.

Snakes can t talk.

Well, they can do mathematics though.

At least if they're Adders.

Noah let all of the animals out of the Ark and told them to go forth and multiply.

They all went off except for the adders. They explained to him, "we can't multiply, we are adders"

Noah took pity on them and decided to make them a house. There were trees nearby, so he made them a log cabin with log chairs and log tables. Soon there were lots of little adders.

[vaud]

Billy Eyelash said:

Noah let all of the animals out of the Ark and told them to go forth and multiply.

Repost, but on those lines...

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."

[Skyedriver]

Thank you.

[Voldemort]

Newly married guy talking worriedly to his mate the next day.
Mate: Why so glum? You just got married.
Guy: I made a big mistake. As I was leaving for work this morning, I winked, gave my wife €50, and said ‘for last night’
Mate: Stop worrying. I'm sure your good lady has seen a bit of the world. She'll understand that you used to frequent those "man does not live on bread alone" places.
Guy: That's not what I'm worried about.
Mate: What, then?
Guy: She gave me €30 change.

[vaud]

Today I was beaten up by a lady with very large breasts in a lift.

Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said "please press one".

I don't remember much after that.

[Super Sonic]

vaud said:

Today I was beaten up by a lady with very large breasts in a lift.

Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said "please press one".

I don't remember much after that.

You're the second person that has happened to today, what are the odds?

[vaud]

Super Sonic said:

You're the second person that has happened to today, what are the odds?

Sorry I missed that one.



There are 2 cows in meadow, the first cow says to the second "have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around, I'm pretty worried about it." The second cow looks at the first cow and replies "Yeah, it's a good thing we're penguins."


A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices something is up and asks the man to tell him his troubles.
"Oh, it's nothing, I've just been under a lot of pressure at work lately," says the patron. "What do you do?" "I'm a deep sea diver."


The Renaissance Fair doesn't have the money to hire knights for the jousting competition, so they're looking for freelancers.


I'll never forget my father's last words to me just before he died: "Are you sure you fixed the brakes?"


What’s the best way to get chewing gum out your hair?…. Cancer.

[Alpacaman]

He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!!!

[Rayny]

vaud said:

Sorry I missed that one.



There are 2 cows in meadow, the first cow says to the second "have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around, I'm pretty worried about it." The second cow looks at the first cow and replies "Yeah, it's a good thing we're penguins."


A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices something is up and asks the man to tell him his troubles.
"Oh, it's nothing, I've just been under a lot of pressure at work lately," says the patron. "What do you do?" "I'm a deep sea diver."


The Renaissance Fair doesn't have the money to hire knights for the jousting competition, so they're looking for freelancers.


I'll never forget my father's last words to me just before he died: "Are you sure you fixed the brakes?"


What s the best way to get chewing gum out your hair? . Cancer.

Some clever, some dark, but all good