Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
OK, a mix of dark, surreal and "ouch" as I appreciate that I am pushing some boundaries; for dark humour only:
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver
One goes WHACK “f
k” And the other goes “fk” WHACK
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?".
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex
...but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I made a graph of my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
An admiral visited one of his ships and joined the crew for tea.
He noticed every biscuit was embossed with the ship’s insignia and was impressed.
Curious, he summoned the cook and asked, “How do you manage to put the insignia on these biscuits?”
The cook grinned and said, “It’s simple, sir. When I roll out the dough, I press each biscuit against my belt buckle before baking them.”
The admiral frowned, “That’s rather unhygienic, isn’t it?”
“In that case, sir,” the cook replied, “I’d suggest skipping the donuts.”
"Two brothers are opening up gifts on Christmas morning. The first brother Tom, opens up his present and it's an Xbox 360, then the second brother, Joe, opens up his present and he gets a sweater. The boys open up their next presents and Tom gets a puppy while Joe gets a lame clarinet."
"For the next present, Tom gets a new alienware laptop and Joe gets an assortment of school supplies.
Walking up the stairs back to play with their new gifts, Tom says to Joe, 'Gee, I sure did beat you this year for gifts.' And Joe responds, 'Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer.'"
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver
One goes WHACK “f
k” And the other goes “fk” WHACKWhy can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?".
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex
...but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I made a graph of my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.
An admiral visited one of his ships and joined the crew for tea.
He noticed every biscuit was embossed with the ship’s insignia and was impressed.
Curious, he summoned the cook and asked, “How do you manage to put the insignia on these biscuits?”
The cook grinned and said, “It’s simple, sir. When I roll out the dough, I press each biscuit against my belt buckle before baking them.”
The admiral frowned, “That’s rather unhygienic, isn’t it?”
“In that case, sir,” the cook replied, “I’d suggest skipping the donuts.”
"Two brothers are opening up gifts on Christmas morning. The first brother Tom, opens up his present and it's an Xbox 360, then the second brother, Joe, opens up his present and he gets a sweater. The boys open up their next presents and Tom gets a puppy while Joe gets a lame clarinet."
"For the next present, Tom gets a new alienware laptop and Joe gets an assortment of school supplies.
Walking up the stairs back to play with their new gifts, Tom says to Joe, 'Gee, I sure did beat you this year for gifts.' And Joe responds, 'Yeah, well at least I don't have cancer.'"
Alpacaman said:
He nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!!!
I posted a similar joke, but with a different ending. It got deleted."I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, he then put in 3 fingers.
"Go on, get your whole hand in," she demanded.
He wanted to please her, so he did what she said: he was really sweating now.
"It's no good, you'll have to put both hands in".
He closed his eyes & thrust forward with his other hand & she let out a scream.
"There you go, it's not that hard doing the washing up..!!!
I had a job interview today. The interviewer gave me three categories that she wanted me to ask questions on.
The first category was their company, so I just asked how many employees they have.
The second category was myself, so I just asked what key skill I'd need most for the job.
The third category was current affairs. The lady looked at me like I was a right weirdo when I asked if she thought my girlfriend will find out that I'm sleeping with the next door neighbour.
The first category was their company, so I just asked how many employees they have.
The second category was myself, so I just asked what key skill I'd need most for the job.
The third category was current affairs. The lady looked at me like I was a right weirdo when I asked if she thought my girlfriend will find out that I'm sleeping with the next door neighbour.
Things not to say after sex:
- When do I put the condom on?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Look at the bright side. It's important to learn from our mistakes."
- You're good enough to do this for a living!"
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- When would you like to meet my parents?
- Sorry about the name tag, I'm not very good with names.
- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
- Do you have any sisters like you?
- When do I put the condom on?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Look at the bright side. It's important to learn from our mistakes."
- You're good enough to do this for a living!"
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- When would you like to meet my parents?
- Sorry about the name tag, I'm not very good with names.
- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
- Do you have any sisters like you?
A traveler travels to a monastery. They give him food and water and he can sleep inside. Each evening he hears some weird, strange sound.
When he asks a monk about the sound, the monk says: "I can't tell you what causes the sound, because you are not a monk".
The traveler is very curious, so he spends three years in the monastery as a neophyte, chopping wood and carrying water, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
So the traveler spends another three years as a novice, watering plants and cooking food,then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
So the traveler spends another three years as a initiate, studying religious texts, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
The traveler spends another three years meditating and praying.
Finally they hold a ceremony when the traveler is ordained to be a monk.
He asks a monk about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "You are a monk now, go and see."
The monk leads the traveler to a passage.
The passage leads to a big room.
The room leads to another passage.
The passage leads to a small room.
There, the traveler finally sees what is causing the strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you are not a monk.
When he asks a monk about the sound, the monk says: "I can't tell you what causes the sound, because you are not a monk".
The traveler is very curious, so he spends three years in the monastery as a neophyte, chopping wood and carrying water, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
So the traveler spends another three years as a novice, watering plants and cooking food,then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
So the traveler spends another three years as a initiate, studying religious texts, then he asks the monks about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "We can't tell you, because you are not a monk"
The traveler spends another three years meditating and praying.
Finally they hold a ceremony when the traveler is ordained to be a monk.
He asks a monk about the origin of the sound.
The monk says: "You are a monk now, go and see."
The monk leads the traveler to a passage.
The passage leads to a big room.
The room leads to another passage.
The passage leads to a small room.
There, the traveler finally sees what is causing the strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you are not a monk.
Four old retirees are walking down a street in Tombstone, Arizona...
...when they see a sign that reads, “Old Timers Club: ALL DRINKS 20 cents.”
The men look at each other in disbelief, thinking that there's gotta be a catch somewhere, but it's only a buck for the four of them, so they decide, what the hell and go inside.
The elderly bartender greets them:
“Welcome, gentlemen to the Old Timers Club. What’ll it be?”
The men check out the fully stocked bar and order 4 martinis, and just 2 minutes later, the bartender serves up four perfect martinis.
“That’s 20 cents each, please.”
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They pay the 80 cents. One of the men tentatively tastes his martini. It's perfect! The men finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, the bartender serves them another 4 excellent martinis.
“That’s 80 cents, please.”
They pay the 80 cents, and they're thinking, how does this guy do it? After all, each of them has had 2 martinis and hasn't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says to the bartender, “Excuse my curiosity, but how in the world can you afford to serve these superb martinis for 20 cents each?”
“I’m a retired teacher from Phoenix, says the bartender, “and it’s always been my dream to own a bar. Last year I hit the Powerball Jackpot for $250 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20 cents. Beer, wine, whiskey, gin….all the same.”
One of the men says, “Wow! That’s a helluva story.”
The four men are sipping their martinis, but they can’t help noticing 7 other people down at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them, and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding his head towards the 7 at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, “What’s up with them?”
"Oh them? They’re retired people from Florida. (looks at his watch) They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
...when they see a sign that reads, “Old Timers Club: ALL DRINKS 20 cents.”
The men look at each other in disbelief, thinking that there's gotta be a catch somewhere, but it's only a buck for the four of them, so they decide, what the hell and go inside.
The elderly bartender greets them:
“Welcome, gentlemen to the Old Timers Club. What’ll it be?”
The men check out the fully stocked bar and order 4 martinis, and just 2 minutes later, the bartender serves up four perfect martinis.
“That’s 20 cents each, please.”
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They pay the 80 cents. One of the men tentatively tastes his martini. It's perfect! The men finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, the bartender serves them another 4 excellent martinis.
“That’s 80 cents, please.”
They pay the 80 cents, and they're thinking, how does this guy do it? After all, each of them has had 2 martinis and hasn't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says to the bartender, “Excuse my curiosity, but how in the world can you afford to serve these superb martinis for 20 cents each?”
“I’m a retired teacher from Phoenix, says the bartender, “and it’s always been my dream to own a bar. Last year I hit the Powerball Jackpot for $250 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20 cents. Beer, wine, whiskey, gin….all the same.”
One of the men says, “Wow! That’s a helluva story.”
The four men are sipping their martinis, but they can’t help noticing 7 other people down at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them, and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding his head towards the 7 at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, “What’s up with them?”
"Oh them? They’re retired people from Florida. (looks at his watch) They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First-Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I’m staying right here!".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot then goes back to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!".
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I’m staying right here!".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot then goes back to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!".
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'". He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without hesitation, she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
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