Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"
he said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"I want 5 loaves." he answered.She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."
Shocked, he replies "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s
t but me!"
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"
he said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"I want 5 loaves." he answered.She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."
Shocked, he replies "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s
t but me!"John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?” Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.” Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?” Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 18 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home, he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!"
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 18 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home, he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!"
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began.
"Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.
Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.
"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inquired, "...are you ok?" Johnny replied, "My goldfish died and I am burying it." Mr Wilkins noted the amount of earth that Johnny had dug up and was now patting down, and said "That's quite a large grave for a goldfish, why did you make it so big?"
Johnny replied, "Because it's inside your fking cat!"
"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inquired, "...are you ok?" Johnny replied, "My goldfish died and I am burying it." Mr Wilkins noted the amount of earth that Johnny had dug up and was now patting down, and said "That's quite a large grave for a goldfish, why did you make it so big?"
Johnny replied, "Because it's inside your f
king cat!"An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.
The officer approaches the vehicle, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?".
Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING". Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".
She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of ass of my life in New Jersey". The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?".
Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".
The officer approaches the vehicle, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?".
Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING". Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".
She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of ass of my life in New Jersey". The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?".
Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yep."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss."
"Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go", the assassin says. So, they drive to the store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"I want you to shoot her in the head and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks thru his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "
Well, what are you waiting for?", the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin. "I may be able to save you ten grand."
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yep."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss."
"Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go", the assassin says. So, they drive to the store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"I want you to shoot her in the head and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks thru his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "
Well, what are you waiting for?", the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin. "I may be able to save you ten grand."
A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results.
Doc: "Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal."
Jim: "Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?"
Doc: "Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special medicinal mud baths. You can try that."
Jim: "Will it cure me or at least give me more time??"
Doc: "No, but it WILL get you used to being covered in dirt......."
Doc: "Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal."
Jim: "Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?"
Doc: "Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special medicinal mud baths. You can try that."
Jim: "Will it cure me or at least give me more time??"
Doc: "No, but it WILL get you used to being covered in dirt......."
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