Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
When a man showed up at work an hour late for the second time in a week, his boss called him into her office.
She asked “What’s your excuse this time?”
He shrugged and said “I overslept.”
“Damn it” she yelled, “At least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”
He replied, “You’re looking lovely today.”
She asked “What’s your excuse this time?”
He shrugged and said “I overslept.”
“Damn it” she yelled, “At least tell me something I haven’t heard before!”
He replied, “You’re looking lovely today.”
My wife minored in psychology.
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.
When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive aggressive way, because these feelings are just too traumatic for you to deal with."
I said, "Honey...we don't have a pool."
and she really does want me to fA little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mom!”
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mom. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
"Mommy," she said, "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mom!”
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mom. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."
A woman walks into a pub and sees an old man sitting at a table having a pint of beer.
She goes up to him and says "Excuse me, did you used to be the strongman in the circus?
He said "I was, but that was about 40 years ago"
She said "Oooh i remember i once saw you bend a 14 inch iron bar over your cock"
He said "I can't do that anymore, my wrists are to weak".
She goes up to him and says "Excuse me, did you used to be the strongman in the circus?
He said "I was, but that was about 40 years ago"
She said "Oooh i remember i once saw you bend a 14 inch iron bar over your cock"
He said "I can't do that anymore, my wrists are to weak".
A keen hunter takes his blond wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.
He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."
Of they went to their deer boxes to see if some deer would show up. In a matter of minutes, the hunter hears his wife's gun. He wants to make sure she claims her kill like he's told her, so off he goes to investigate.
He finds his wife arguing loudly with another man. By the time he gets there, the man is looking panicked, and has put both hands in the air, saying: "Sure lady, fine, whatever, if you insist, this is YOUR deer. But can I please take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"
He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."
Of they went to their deer boxes to see if some deer would show up. In a matter of minutes, the hunter hears his wife's gun. He wants to make sure she claims her kill like he's told her, so off he goes to investigate.
He finds his wife arguing loudly with another man. By the time he gets there, the man is looking panicked, and has put both hands in the air, saying: "Sure lady, fine, whatever, if you insist, this is YOUR deer. But can I please take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"
shed driver said:
3 guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I screwed up."
SD.
I think I'm due a massive parrot It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I screwed up."
SD.
vaud said:
Speed Badger said:
I think I'm due a massive parrot
It's more surreal than anything. Pop it into an AI tool and ask... 
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed and just about ready to consummate their marriage when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make - I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darnn hole."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yea... I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone goes back to bed and makes love one more time.
When they finish, he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this darnn hole."
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist
Two married men were discussing their sex lives.
One asked, "Does your wife ever let you do it doggie fashion?"
"Not exactly," replied the second. "She’s more into doing doggie tricks."
"Wow!" said the first. "What does that entail? Sounds pretty kinky."
"Sadly, it’s not," said the second. "It means I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
One asked, "Does your wife ever let you do it doggie fashion?"
"Not exactly," replied the second. "She’s more into doing doggie tricks."
"Wow!" said the first. "What does that entail? Sounds pretty kinky."
"Sadly, it’s not," said the second. "It means I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff