Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”
The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says…. “We invented sex!” T
he Italian nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true—but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”
The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”
The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says…. “We invented sex!” T
he Italian nods slowly, thinks, and replies, “That is true—but it was Italians who introduced it to women!”
A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.
While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks. Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”
"Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man.
Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.”
While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock.
“What’s that there for?” he asks. Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”
"Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man.
Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.”
Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.
Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned. "Wh... what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.
"Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wife to your husband until his death. Therefore, I am here to grant you three wishes."
Cinderella thought about it for a good minute. After a while, she said, "I wish for lots of wealth."
She was immediately surrounded by gold coins. "Done," said the Fairy Godmother, "And your second wish?"
"I wish to become young again!" said Cinderella. All her wrinkles and warts disappeared, her back straightened up and she regained all of her youthful energy. "Granted. And your last wish?"
"I wish for my cat to become a handsome young man!" As she stated her final wish, the Fairy Godmother vanished, and her cat jumped down to the floor. He then instantly turned into the most handsome man imaginable, at least twice as attractive as Prince Charming. He was so stunning that it felt as if time stopped running and the wind stopped blowing.
They looked at each other for a long while, before the man bent down toward Cinderella, sensually caressing her smooth skin and whispering with a manly, seductive voice, "I suppose you regret cutting my balls off now."
Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned. "Wh... what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.
"Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wife to your husband until his death. Therefore, I am here to grant you three wishes."
Cinderella thought about it for a good minute. After a while, she said, "I wish for lots of wealth."
She was immediately surrounded by gold coins. "Done," said the Fairy Godmother, "And your second wish?"
"I wish to become young again!" said Cinderella. All her wrinkles and warts disappeared, her back straightened up and she regained all of her youthful energy. "Granted. And your last wish?"
"I wish for my cat to become a handsome young man!" As she stated her final wish, the Fairy Godmother vanished, and her cat jumped down to the floor. He then instantly turned into the most handsome man imaginable, at least twice as attractive as Prince Charming. He was so stunning that it felt as if time stopped running and the wind stopped blowing.
They looked at each other for a long while, before the man bent down toward Cinderella, sensually caressing her smooth skin and whispering with a manly, seductive voice, "I suppose you regret cutting my balls off now."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back saying, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back saying, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
Paddy Murphy walked into a pub, looking like he’d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?”, asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight”, says Paddy.
“That little squirt O’Conner, He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand”
“That he did, a shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it
“Well,”, says Sean, “You should have defended yourself; didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did”, said Paddy “Mrs O’Conner’s breast, but it didn’t help much.”
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?”, asks Sean, the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight”, says Paddy.
“That little squirt O’Conner, He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand”
“That he did, a shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it
“Well,”, says Sean, “You should have defended yourself; didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did”, said Paddy “Mrs O’Conner’s breast, but it didn’t help much.”
I rode my bicycle to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of rum.
It was a glass bottle, and I was worried that it would break if I fell off the bike.
So I drank the whole thing before I started pedaling home. It was a good thing too, I must have fallen off that bike at least seven times on the way home.
It was a glass bottle, and I was worried that it would break if I fell off the bike.
So I drank the whole thing before I started pedaling home. It was a good thing too, I must have fallen off that bike at least seven times on the way home.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.
“Nothing” I slurred.
“Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My wife came in the bathroom as I was getting dressed after my morning shower.
I put my underwear on and pulled them up. Then I put my pants on and pulled them up and told her I had to park the old guy in the right spot.
Now my wife and I have been married for just a bit over 40 years but had dated for 5 years prior to that so this is nothing new for us. I carry on like this a lot and she never comments.
She just smiles and carries on pretty much ignoring me but today she really surprised me and actually made a funny remark. She looked at me and said, “So…that’s where handicap parking is!” and walked out.
I put my underwear on and pulled them up. Then I put my pants on and pulled them up and told her I had to park the old guy in the right spot.
Now my wife and I have been married for just a bit over 40 years but had dated for 5 years prior to that so this is nothing new for us. I carry on like this a lot and she never comments.
She just smiles and carries on pretty much ignoring me but today she really surprised me and actually made a funny remark. She looked at me and said, “So…that’s where handicap parking is!” and walked out.
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”
David sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Melissa, a friend of his.
But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." David says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andy knocks at Melissa's door, and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy can't believe his luck.
Andy was about to speak when the girl suddenly shouted, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly? What do I do if we don't connect" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry." David says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! And fake an asthma attack."
So that night, Andy knocks at Melissa's door, and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy can't believe his luck.
Andy was about to speak when the girl suddenly shouted, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village?"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"?
"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village f
ked Mary Jones."
"Well, we can't publish a story like that, can you tell us about any other happy moment?"
When Jeff Smith's goat got lost on the hills, we organized a search party. When we found her, we celebrated, everybody got drunk and we all fked Jeff Smith's goat!"
"Okay, enough of happy endings, can you tell us what was the saddest day in this village?"
"That was when I got lost on the hills..."
"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village f
ked Mary Jones.""Well, we can't publish a story like that, can you tell us about any other happy moment?"
When Jeff Smith's goat got lost on the hills, we organized a search party. When we found her, we celebrated, everybody got drunk and we all f
ked Jeff Smith's goat!""Okay, enough of happy endings, can you tell us what was the saddest day in this village?"
"That was when I got lost on the hills..."
Edited by vaud on Wednesday 14th January 16:34
A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.
The woman quickly says, "Hurry, out the window, it's my husband." Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.
Suddenly, he turns around and states, "Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?" T
o which she responds, "Why did you try to run?"
The woman quickly says, "Hurry, out the window, it's my husband." Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.
Suddenly, he turns around and states, "Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?" T
o which she responds, "Why did you try to run?"
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.”
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
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