Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
I have and idea, boss, his chauffeur said. I ve heard you give this speech so many times. I ll bet I could give it for you. ?Einstein laughed loudly and said, Why not? Let s do it!
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
I have and idea, boss, his chauffeur said. I ve heard you give this speech so many times. I ll bet I could give it for you. ?Einstein laughed loudly and said, Why not? Let s do it!
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.
Edited by vaud on Wednesday 14th January 20:23
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress." complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "What's wrong?"
"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."
A prostitute walks into a church...
She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask, "What troubles you, my child?"
The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."
The priest sighs and says, "For the 100th time Shannon, it's 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'"
She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask, "What troubles you, my child?"
The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."
The priest sighs and says, "For the 100th time Shannon, it's 'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'"
An old lady traveling to Israel offers airport staff a $10,000 reward to ensure her dog arrives safely. When the flight lands, the baggage handlers are horrified to find the dog dead in its carrier.
Terrified of losing the reward, they hatch a plan: they rush to a local pet store, buy an identical black poodle, and swap it into the carrier.
They nervously present the live dog to the lady. She takes one look and says, “This is not my dog.”
The handlers point to the collar and the breed, insisting it must be hers. “How can you be so sure?” they ask.
The old lady replies, “Because, young man, my dog was already dead. I was only bringing him to Israel to bury him.”
Terrified of losing the reward, they hatch a plan: they rush to a local pet store, buy an identical black poodle, and swap it into the carrier.
They nervously present the live dog to the lady. She takes one look and says, “This is not my dog.”
The handlers point to the collar and the breed, insisting it must be hers. “How can you be so sure?” they ask.
The old lady replies, “Because, young man, my dog was already dead. I was only bringing him to Israel to bury him.”
A woman is shopping for a full length mirror in various charity shops.
She comes across one she likes and asks the guy at the store about it. 'Well you have to be careful with this mirror' he says 'if you make a wish into a rhyme your wish will be granted'.
She thinks it's BS and buys the mirror. Once she has it set up at home she looks into it and says, with a laugh, 'mirror mirror on the door make my boobs a 44'. BOOM.. all the sudden her breasts are huge.
When her husband comes home and finds her in the room admiring her new chest and he says 'I told you we couldn't afford breast enhancement right now'
'No no honey' she protests 'it's the magic mirror... all you have to do is look into it and make a wish into a rhyme and it will be granted' Thinking this is nonsense he looks into the mirror and says 'mirror mirror on the door make my penis touch the floor' Then his legs fell off.
She comes across one she likes and asks the guy at the store about it. 'Well you have to be careful with this mirror' he says 'if you make a wish into a rhyme your wish will be granted'.
She thinks it's BS and buys the mirror. Once she has it set up at home she looks into it and says, with a laugh, 'mirror mirror on the door make my boobs a 44'. BOOM.. all the sudden her breasts are huge.
When her husband comes home and finds her in the room admiring her new chest and he says 'I told you we couldn't afford breast enhancement right now'
'No no honey' she protests 'it's the magic mirror... all you have to do is look into it and make a wish into a rhyme and it will be granted' Thinking this is nonsense he looks into the mirror and says 'mirror mirror on the door make my penis touch the floor' Then his legs fell off.
A blonde is on a business trip and staying in a hotel.
She receives a phone call from the check-in counter, Good evening Ma am. Would you like male prostitute service? It s just 100 dollars. ?The blonde rejects the offer, Sorry, not interested.
10 mins later, the counter calls her again, Ma am are you sure you don t want any? We have the best male prostitutes in the city, guaranteed to last at least one hour.
The blonde, who doesn t believe it, thinks 'Bloody scammers. Can make any promise to make money. I ve never slept with a man that can do it for one hour', so she replies indifferently What if he can t last for one hour?
The counter replies, Ma am in that case, you don t need to pay him. Instead he ll pay you 100 dollars.
The blonde agrees OK send him in. A man soon enters her room and has sex with her.After just 10 mins, the man finishes, throws 100 dollars on her bed, and leaves.
The blonde thinks, 'Wait. Something is not right '
She receives a phone call from the check-in counter, Good evening Ma am. Would you like male prostitute service? It s just 100 dollars. ?The blonde rejects the offer, Sorry, not interested.
10 mins later, the counter calls her again, Ma am are you sure you don t want any? We have the best male prostitutes in the city, guaranteed to last at least one hour.
The blonde, who doesn t believe it, thinks 'Bloody scammers. Can make any promise to make money. I ve never slept with a man that can do it for one hour', so she replies indifferently What if he can t last for one hour?
The counter replies, Ma am in that case, you don t need to pay him. Instead he ll pay you 100 dollars.
The blonde agrees OK send him in. A man soon enters her room and has sex with her.After just 10 mins, the man finishes, throws 100 dollars on her bed, and leaves.
The blonde thinks, 'Wait. Something is not right '
Edited by vaud on Wednesday 14th January 20:25
A Scouser decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..
...the Tesco manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..
...the Tesco manager runs out and unplugs the horse.
vaud said:
Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.?
Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.?"Wh... what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.?
"Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wife to your husband until his death. Therefore, I am here to grant you three wishes."?
Cinderella thought about it for a good minute.?After a while, she said, "I wish for lots of wealth."?
She was immediately surrounded by gold coins.?"Done," said the Fairy Godmother, "And your second wish?"?
"I wish to become young again!" said Cinderella.?All her wrinkles and warts disappeared, her back straightened up and she regained all of her youthful energy.?"Granted. And your last wish?"?
"I wish for my cat to become a handsome young man!"?As she stated her final wish, the Fairy Godmother vanished, and her cat jumped down to the floor. He then instantly turned into the most handsome man imaginable, at least twice as attractive as Prince Charming. He was so stunning that it felt as if time stopped running and the wind stopped blowing.?
They looked at each other for a long while, before the man bent down toward Cinderella, sensually caressing her smooth skin and whispering with a manly, seductive voice, "I suppose you regret cutting my balls off now."
Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.?"Wh... what are you doing here after all these years?" asked Cinderella.?
"Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wife to your husband until his death. Therefore, I am here to grant you three wishes."?
Cinderella thought about it for a good minute.?After a while, she said, "I wish for lots of wealth."?
She was immediately surrounded by gold coins.?"Done," said the Fairy Godmother, "And your second wish?"?
"I wish to become young again!" said Cinderella.?All her wrinkles and warts disappeared, her back straightened up and she regained all of her youthful energy.?"Granted. And your last wish?"?
"I wish for my cat to become a handsome young man!"?As she stated her final wish, the Fairy Godmother vanished, and her cat jumped down to the floor. He then instantly turned into the most handsome man imaginable, at least twice as attractive as Prince Charming. He was so stunning that it felt as if time stopped running and the wind stopped blowing.?
They looked at each other for a long while, before the man bent down toward Cinderella, sensually caressing her smooth skin and whispering with a manly, seductive voice, "I suppose you regret cutting my balls off now."
My neighbors are a hot lesbian couple.
They had thinking thinking about getting a baby for a long time, but were unable to afford the IVF procedure. So, they came to me and asked if I could help one of them get pregnant. I was ecstatic about this. I have been going to their house almost every night for the past 5 months and neither of them have managed to get pregnant yet.
They are starting to think that they may be infertile. Should I let this go on or should I tell them that I got a vasectomy a few months after my wife gave birth to our child 8 years ago?
They had thinking thinking about getting a baby for a long time, but were unable to afford the IVF procedure. So, they came to me and asked if I could help one of them get pregnant. I was ecstatic about this. I have been going to their house almost every night for the past 5 months and neither of them have managed to get pregnant yet.
They are starting to think that they may be infertile. Should I let this go on or should I tell them that I got a vasectomy a few months after my wife gave birth to our child 8 years ago?
Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.
After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman.
It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”
“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.”
“Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.”
“Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark.
“So I guess this means you were Batman too.” said Lois.
After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman.
It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”
“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.”
“Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.”
“Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark.
“So I guess this means you were Batman too.” said Lois.
Got lucky last night. I was at a bar last night and met a very attractive lady. We hit it off and ended back at my place.
We were getting hot and heavy, ripping each other's clothes off when she looked down in shock, pointed at my penis, and said, "Who are you going to please with that tiny little thing?"
I responded, "Me!"
One day, an old man and his wife visited their doctor for a checkup. The doctor wanted to examine the old man first. After examining the old man, he said "I'm surprised you are in such excellent health."
The old man replied "I attribute it to my good and clean life." "Your good and clean life?" "Yes, I have lived such a good and clean life, the Lord Himself turns the light on for me when I use the bathroom and the Lord Himself turns the light off for me when I leave."
"The Lord Himself did this?" "Yes." insisted the old man. The doctor nodded politely and then said "I will need to examine your wife next." The old man nodded and left the room. The doctor then examined the wife. After completing his examination, he said "You are in excellent health." "How is my husband?" "Physically, he's fine, but I'm worried about his mental health."
"Why?" "He insists the Lord Himself turns the light on for him when he uses the bathroom and the Lord Himself turns the light off when he leaves." "My God! The damn fool is peeing in the fridge again."
The old man replied "I attribute it to my good and clean life." "Your good and clean life?" "Yes, I have lived such a good and clean life, the Lord Himself turns the light on for me when I use the bathroom and the Lord Himself turns the light off for me when I leave."
"The Lord Himself did this?" "Yes." insisted the old man. The doctor nodded politely and then said "I will need to examine your wife next." The old man nodded and left the room. The doctor then examined the wife. After completing his examination, he said "You are in excellent health." "How is my husband?" "Physically, he's fine, but I'm worried about his mental health."
"Why?" "He insists the Lord Himself turns the light on for him when he uses the bathroom and the Lord Himself turns the light off when he leaves." "My God! The damn fool is peeing in the fridge again."
A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.
The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."
The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"
The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!" The wife then explains, "It's just that if he snores, I want to be able to elbow him."
The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."
The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"
The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!" The wife then explains, "It's just that if he snores, I want to be able to elbow him."
Three married women are discussing blowjobs.
"My husband always asks for them," the first woman complains, "but I can't stand the taste."
"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."
The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what men swallow?" "Oh, sure!" the second woman answers. "If he swallows blackberries, it will taste like blackberries. If he swallows plums, it will taste like plums. If he swallows strawberries, it will taste like strawberries."
Just as the second woman finishes speaking, the third woman bursts into tears. "I have to get a divorce!" she wails. "What?!" exclaims the first woman. "Why?!" "Because," sobs the third woman, "my husband has been swallowing cum!"
"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."
The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what men swallow?" "Oh, sure!" the second woman answers. "If he swallows blackberries, it will taste like blackberries. If he swallows plums, it will taste like plums. If he swallows strawberries, it will taste like strawberries."
Just as the second woman finishes speaking, the third woman bursts into tears. "I have to get a divorce!" she wails. "What?!" exclaims the first woman. "Why?!" "Because," sobs the third woman, "my husband has been swallowing cum!"
A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents.
To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men. Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and six,” the man replies.
Without giving any indication that his answer is wrong, she turns to the second man. “What do you think, sir? What’s nine times thirteen?” “That’s easy,” he says. “It’s Thursday.”
She turns to the third man and says, “Nine times thirteen?” He answers immediately.“One hundred seventeen.” “Excellent,” says the doctor. “How did you get it so quickly?” “Simple,” he says. “I just subtracted four hundred and six from Thursday.”
To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men. Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?”
“That would be four hundred and six,” the man replies.
Without giving any indication that his answer is wrong, she turns to the second man. “What do you think, sir? What’s nine times thirteen?” “That’s easy,” he says. “It’s Thursday.”
She turns to the third man and says, “Nine times thirteen?” He answers immediately.“One hundred seventeen.” “Excellent,” says the doctor. “How did you get it so quickly?” “Simple,” he says. “I just subtracted four hundred and six from Thursday.”
To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
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