Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Two Italian guys are hanging out.
Mario: "Hey Luigi, I bet you like them big ole girls don't ya? The 300lb, more cushin' for the pushin' ones. Just grab a hold of dem love handles and really go to town!"
Luigi: With a look of confusion, "No. No, Mario, I don't."
Mario: "Oh. Well then I bet you like dem girls with that thick, oily hair. Ya toss em on da bed, they just slide right off. Run yer hands through her hair and ya gotta wipe em off-"
Luigi: "No. No, Mario, I don't."
Mario: "Oh. Oh, well then I bet you like dem girls with that NASTY ass garlic breath. Kind that makes plants wilt, dey try talkin ta ya and they be spewin chunks of crap out from their teeth right in your-"
Luigi: Full on disgusted now. "NO! No, Mario, I don't!"
Mario: "WELL DEN WHY DO YOU KEEP-A f
kIN' MY WIFE!!?"
Mario: "Hey Luigi, I bet you like them big ole girls don't ya? The 300lb, more cushin' for the pushin' ones. Just grab a hold of dem love handles and really go to town!"
Luigi: With a look of confusion, "No. No, Mario, I don't."
Mario: "Oh. Well then I bet you like dem girls with that thick, oily hair. Ya toss em on da bed, they just slide right off. Run yer hands through her hair and ya gotta wipe em off-"
Luigi: "No. No, Mario, I don't."
Mario: "Oh. Oh, well then I bet you like dem girls with that NASTY ass garlic breath. Kind that makes plants wilt, dey try talkin ta ya and they be spewin chunks of crap out from their teeth right in your-"
Luigi: Full on disgusted now. "NO! No, Mario, I don't!"
Mario: "WELL DEN WHY DO YOU KEEP-A f
kIN' MY WIFE!!?"So during a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...
And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"
"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily. "Who are you in love with?"
Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.
"It's you." Johnny told her. "I want to become your husband some day."
The teacher said, "That's very sweet, Johnny, but it wouldn't be a good idea. I do want to have a husband some day, but I want him to be a man. I don't want to have a child."
"That's okay." Johnny said. "I'll use protection!"
And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"
"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily. "Who are you in love with?"
Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.
"It's you." Johnny told her. "I want to become your husband some day."
The teacher said, "That's very sweet, Johnny, but it wouldn't be a good idea. I do want to have a husband some day, but I want him to be a man. I don't want to have a child."
"That's okay." Johnny said. "I'll use protection!"
It was the first day of school in the USA, and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?” Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Chandrasekhar. T
he teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “fk the Indians.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. “General Custer, 1876.”
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?” Again, there was no response except for Chandrasekhar. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” said Chandrasekhar. T
he teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “f
k the Indians.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. “General Custer, 1876.”A young child says to her mother, “Mommie, those three acrobats we saw at the circus yesterday, were they really live women, or were they mechanical?”
“Don’t be silly,” the mother replies. “Of course they were alive. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, it’s just that I heard daddy say to Uncle Felix that he’d like to screw the ass off the one on the right.”
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