Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
Two men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”.
The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can.
The stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”
SD.
The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”.
The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can.
The stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”
SD.
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Kenty said:
A Woman Sends a Text to Her Husband:
Wife: "Honey, don't forget to buy some bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I'm coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, buy the bread!
Wife: "Honey, don't forget to buy some bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you."
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw my text.
Husband: But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?
Wife: What??! Where are you?
Husband: Near the bakery.
Wife: Wait, I'm coming right now!
After 5 minutes, his wife sends a message:
Wife: I'm at the bakery, where are you?
Husband: I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, buy the bread!
A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store...
...and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.
A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.
After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?” She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce lawyer.”
...and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.
A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached down and squeezed the boy’s testicles through his clothes. He immediately spit up the penny and stopped choking. She didn’t say a word and walked away.
After making sure his son was okay, the father found the woman to thank her and said, “I’ve never heard of that before, are you a doctor or something?” She replied, “Actually no, I’m a divorce lawyer.”
A doctor and his wife were playing golf at the local country club.
While on the 1st tee, his wife drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway.
The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis court playing mixed doubles. Throughout the entire match, the wife smashed all of her serves and never missed a point. The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you play tennis so well before!" Again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
That night, they settled into a nice dinner at home. The doctor's wife brought out exotic appetizers, beef wellington cooked to perfection, and baked Alaska for dessert. The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you cook like this before!" Once again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
That night after dinner, she gave him that look, and they went upstairs to their bedroom. After 30 minutes of fierce and passionate lovemaking, the doctor rolled over and gasped, "Wow, that was the best sex I've ever had."
Before his wife could speak, he added: "I want a divorce."
The doctor was amazed and exclaimed, "Wow! I've never seen you hit the ball this well before!" His wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
A couple of days later, the doctor and his wife were on the tennis court playing mixed doubles. Throughout the entire match, the wife smashed all of her serves and never missed a point. The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you play tennis so well before!" Again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
That night, they settled into a nice dinner at home. The doctor's wife brought out exotic appetizers, beef wellington cooked to perfection, and baked Alaska for dessert. The doctor said, "Wow, I've never seen you cook like this before!" Once again, his wife replied, "Well, I took lessons."
That night after dinner, she gave him that look, and they went upstairs to their bedroom. After 30 minutes of fierce and passionate lovemaking, the doctor rolled over and gasped, "Wow, that was the best sex I've ever had."
Before his wife could speak, he added: "I want a divorce."
I was by my wife's bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
Little johnny is sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.
An old lady comes up to Johnny, "Are you really going to eat all that?" the lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag.
Johnny replied, "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"
"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.
"No, by minding his own f
king business!" Johnny replied.
An old lady comes up to Johnny, "Are you really going to eat all that?" the lady asks, shocked by the size of the bag.
Johnny replied, "My grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be 104!"
"What, by eating all that candy?" The old lady asks.
"No, by minding his own f
king business!" Johnny replied.The local police chief always said "It could be worse."
Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."
One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they found the front door open, and heard the sound of crying from the kitchen. The wife was sitting in a blood-drenched negligee at the kitchen table, crying hysterically.
The husband was sitting calmly across from her, his hands covered in blood. He sipped a coffee. Bloody footprints led up the stairs to the master bedroom. A naked man was face-up on the bed with a knife protruding from his chest. His clothes were on the floor, and there was $1000 cash sitting on the nightstand. The investigating officers immediately called for the chief to come to the scene. "You know what he'll say," said one. "It could have been worse."
A while later the chief arrived along with the crime scene unit and a couple of detectives. The chief winced as he looked at the bloody scene in the bedroom, then walked away shaking his head. "Well, it could have been worse," he said.
One of the cops, feeling brave, called out to him. "Chief? I have to ask. How? I mean, a man is dead! His family is destroyed. Mr. Dunwoody found out his wife is a high-priced escort and committed murder, and now the Dunwoodys' kids' lives are ruined . . . how could it possibly have been worse?" The chief looked at him for a moment. "Well, for one thing, if this had been yesterday, the dead guy would have been me."
One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they found the front door open, and heard the sound of crying from the kitchen. The wife was sitting in a blood-drenched negligee at the kitchen table, crying hysterically.
The husband was sitting calmly across from her, his hands covered in blood. He sipped a coffee. Bloody footprints led up the stairs to the master bedroom. A naked man was face-up on the bed with a knife protruding from his chest. His clothes were on the floor, and there was $1000 cash sitting on the nightstand. The investigating officers immediately called for the chief to come to the scene. "You know what he'll say," said one. "It could have been worse."
A while later the chief arrived along with the crime scene unit and a couple of detectives. The chief winced as he looked at the bloody scene in the bedroom, then walked away shaking his head. "Well, it could have been worse," he said.
One of the cops, feeling brave, called out to him. "Chief? I have to ask. How? I mean, a man is dead! His family is destroyed. Mr. Dunwoody found out his wife is a high-priced escort and committed murder, and now the Dunwoodys' kids' lives are ruined . . . how could it possibly have been worse?" The chief looked at him for a moment. "Well, for one thing, if this had been yesterday, the dead guy would have been me."
Dave wakes up in the hospital after having his appendix taken out only to find out he has messed the bed while under anesthesia.
Thankfully no one else was in the room and he starts worrying people will laugh at him so he comes up with a plan. He jumps out of bed, takes his soil bed clothes off, throws them on the bed, wraps the sheets up around everything, opens the window and throws it out.
There are two guys sitting below his room having a smoke and all of a sudden this ball of soiled sheets lands on him. He fights and struggles to get them off himself and finally throws it all to the ground. His buddy looks over to him and asks what happened. "I'm not sure man but I think I just beat the st out of a ghost!"
Thankfully no one else was in the room and he starts worrying people will laugh at him so he comes up with a plan. He jumps out of bed, takes his soil bed clothes off, throws them on the bed, wraps the sheets up around everything, opens the window and throws it out.
There are two guys sitting below his room having a smoke and all of a sudden this ball of soiled sheets lands on him. He fights and struggles to get them off himself and finally throws it all to the ground. His buddy looks over to him and asks what happened. "I'm not sure man but I think I just beat the s
t out of a ghost!"Grandma pig is growing old.
She doesn’t want to worry her grandchildren, so she makes something up for the parents. The kids watch as Grandma is taken away.
“Where is grandma going?” asks a pig. “Grandma is sick. They’re gonna help her. You won’t see her again for a long time though.” Dad replies.
A week later, the piglets see Grandma’s body being taken to the farmhouse. “Dad! Dad! They’re taking away Grandma! Isn’t she still sick?” Dad thinks and replies, “She’s all better now. I might even say she’s cured.”
She doesn’t want to worry her grandchildren, so she makes something up for the parents. The kids watch as Grandma is taken away.
“Where is grandma going?” asks a pig. “Grandma is sick. They’re gonna help her. You won’t see her again for a long time though.” Dad replies.
A week later, the piglets see Grandma’s body being taken to the farmhouse. “Dad! Dad! They’re taking away Grandma! Isn’t she still sick?” Dad thinks and replies, “She’s all better now. I might even say she’s cured.”
Christmas was coming, so Little Johnny's mom and dad took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa's lap.
"Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn baseball bat and I want it to be put under my fking bed. I want a goddamn baseball glove and want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a fking bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp in the fking shed."
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny's parents aside and said, "In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth." His parents replied, "We know! But we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We've tried everything." Santa thought for a minute, then said "Here's what well do to teach him a lesson. Every place that Johnny asked for a present, we'll put a pile of poop."
The parents agreed to try Santa's plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically, "So Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?"
Without missing a beat, Little Johnny looked at his parents and said "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the motherfker!"
"Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn baseball bat and I want it to be put under my f
king bed. I want a goddamn baseball glove and want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a fking bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp in the fking shed."
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny's parents aside and said, "In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth." His parents replied, "We know! But we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We've tried everything." Santa thought for a minute, then said "Here's what well do to teach him a lesson. Every place that Johnny asked for a present, we'll put a pile of poop."
The parents agreed to try Santa's plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically, "So Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?"
Without missing a beat, Little Johnny looked at his parents and said "I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the motherf
ker!"A little girl wakes up and is hungry.
Her mom normally makes her breakfast, but she is in the shower. The girl tells her dad she is really hungry. Dad makes her toast with butter, and squirts some honey on top.
The girl hasn’t had that before, and she really likes it. She says “Daddy, what did you put on top of the bread?”
The dad says, “It’s a name your mom always calls me!” Mom comes out of the shower and sees her daughter eating and really happy.
She asks the girl, “What did your dad make you for breakfast?” The girl said, “Daddy made me toast with asshole!”
Her mom normally makes her breakfast, but she is in the shower. The girl tells her dad she is really hungry. Dad makes her toast with butter, and squirts some honey on top.
The girl hasn’t had that before, and she really likes it. She says “Daddy, what did you put on top of the bread?”
The dad says, “It’s a name your mom always calls me!” Mom comes out of the shower and sees her daughter eating and really happy.
She asks the girl, “What did your dad make you for breakfast?” The girl said, “Daddy made me toast with asshole!”
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