Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)
Discussion
A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel.
He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women and we don't have men, but we have a badger." "Huh?" grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.
He spends the night, has breakfast and goes on with his life. Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he'll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women, and we don't have men, but we have a video: man and badger."
He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women and we don't have men, but we have a badger." "Huh?" grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.
He spends the night, has breakfast and goes on with his life. Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he'll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.
The madam says "We don't have women, and we don't have men, but we have a video: man and badger."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. “I need you to examine my daughter, Charlene, doctor; she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Charlene a good examination, then says to the mother, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Charlene is pregnant, I would guess about 4 months."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been with a man! Have you, Charlene?" Charlene says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three Wise Men came bearing gifts. I just want to be ready for it this time."
The doctor gives Charlene a good examination, then says to the mother, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Charlene is pregnant, I would guess about 4 months."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been with a man! Have you, Charlene?" Charlene says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three Wise Men came bearing gifts. I just want to be ready for it this time."
A married parishioner went into the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest asked, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest told him, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
The priest asked, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest told him, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi. "Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
k HER!"
The Horse and the Chicken were friends.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented.
Best Buddies, best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, there is a moral.)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented.
Best Buddies, best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(Yep, there is a moral.)
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
silverfoxcc said:
Was chatting to the guy who we hired to redecorate thè house. Turned out he was British Aiways pilot making a few extra pounds on his rest days.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
But did he take off the old wallpaper?He made a lovely job of the landing.
Edited by silverfoxcc on Friday 16th January 00:33
Vaud - Some good ones there, especially the one about the ghost, as well as the one about the dog for Christmas.
But, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
But, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
Rayny said:
Vaud - Some good ones there, especially the one about the ghost, as well as the one about the dog for Christmas.
But, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.?
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"?
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
I'm assuming it's the idea that lawyers will fk you over and take your lunch money etcBut, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.?
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"?
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
a_dreamer said:
Rayny said:
Vaud - Some good ones there, especially the one about the ghost, as well as the one about the dog for Christmas.
But, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.?
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"?
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
I'm assuming it's the idea that lawyers will fk you over and take your lunch money etcBut, this one needs explaining to simple old me:
Two lawyers were standing outside and talking when a beautiful woman walked by.?
The first lawyer took one look and said, "I'd like to fk HER!"?
The second lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
stuttgartmetal said:
When did this page get taken over by banal yank jokes ffs
To whom it may concern,I feel compelled to take up my pen and address the recent unseemly post from a certain "Mr. Stuttgart Metal" regarding the supposed infiltration of US centric levity within our esteemed circles. It is truly a dark day for the Empire when a gentleman cannot browse his motoring periodicals without being accosted by the "banal" wit of our Transatlantic cousins.
Observations on this Most Grievous Scandal:
The Global Web: While it may come as a shattering blow to those who believe the world ends at the White Cliffs of Dover, the wireless telegraphy of our age has made the world a small place indeed. I have personally fraternized with the Americans—shocking, I know—and I find they occasionally attempt "humour"- or rather "humor", such is their want to adapt our language over time. One must be patient with them. Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.
The Noble Art of Aversion
If a particular jest offends one’s refined sensibilities, might I suggest the revolutionary tactic of turning the page? It requires far less exertion than a public post and preserves the dignity of the club. Furthermore, contribution of humour is always welcomed.
A Lexicographical Service
For the benefit of our metallic friend from Stuttgart, I shall henceforth appoint myself his/her personal Linguistic Attaché. I shall painstakingly scrub every "Americanism" from the record and provide a translation into the King’s proper English, perhaps delivered via telegram for his/her convenience.
The Colonial Occupation:
I hate to be the bearer of ill tidings, but the very establishment he frequents—this "PistonHeads"—has long since ceased to be a private enclave for TVR enthusiasts. Furthermore, it is now under the financial stewardship of the United States. One assumes Mr/Mrs. Metal will be surrendering his membership post-haste to avoid further contact with the Dollar.
I trust this clarifies the matter for the disgruntled gentleman. Let us return to more pressing concerns, such as the dearth of jokes about the poor.
Yours, etc.,
A Concerned Motorist of the Old School
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