Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Pixelpeep Electric]

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt

[Pixelpeep Electric]

EmailAddress said:

Pixelpeep Electric said:

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt

Didn't he burn to death in a GT?

He did... this was an earlier incident though.

PS... don't buy any kittens. Ever.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

EmailAddress said:

Pixelpeep Electric said:

He did... this was an earlier incident though.

PS... don't buy any kittens. Ever.

Forgot what thread I was in

[Nova Gyna]

I looked out of the window in horror at the crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist - then I rushed outside. 

"Let me through!" I yelled.

"Oh, thank God," said someone, "are you a doctor?" 

"No," I replied, "that's my fking pizza."

[Nova Gyna]

Quasimodo’s running down the road with 20 kids after him... he says, “ps off, I ain’t got your football”

One kid shouts, “what’s that lump in pocket then Quasi, you a peado? “No,” he yells, “it’s a photo of me dad.”

[Skyedriver]

littleowl said:

Philip Schofield has turned down the jobs at both Leeds Utd & Spurs as he fears both could damage his reputation.

[hairy v]

The council had organised a variety show at the local Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist.

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Each and every one of you and all at the same time." he said.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful
Antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" he said, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movement of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

Then, suddenly, the chain broke!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"S**t!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited again.

[Still Mulling]

[Monkeylegend]

But you didn't need the last line.

[hairy v]

[glenrobbo]

Monkeylegend said:

But you didn't need the last line.

Are you trying to start a fight?

We'll set Vipers on to you!

[paua]

glenrobbo said:

Monkeylegend said:

But you didn't need the last line.

Are you trying to start a fight?

We'll set Vipers on to you!

All 8,4 litres of him

[Still Mulling]

paua said:

glenrobbo said:

Monkeylegend said:

But you didn't need the last line.

Are you trying to start a fight?

We'll set Vipers on to you!

All 8,4 litres of him

I hear he's quite V10lent.

[ChemicalChaos]

Still Mulling said:

paua said:

glenrobbo said:

Monkeylegend said:

But you didn't need the last line.

Are you trying to start a fight?

We'll set Vipers on to you!

All 8,4 litres of him

I hear he's quite V10lent.

[Pixelpeep Electric]

I wanted a camper van so i painted it pink.

[paua]

Pixelpeep Electric said:

I wanted a camper van so i painted it pink.

Details, man - has it a V10lent of 8.4 litres?

[Master Of Puppets]

I went to the dentist and she said.... First things first, tongue up, that's great, now move it to the left, and now to the right, that's lovely.

After 20 minutes of this she pulled up her knickers and said.... Right get in the chair and let's have a look at those teeth.

[hairy v]

[Muntu]

A woman just came up to me holding an unlit cigarette

She asked "Have you got a light, cock?"

I said "Well, it floats in the bath!"

[CourtAgain]